So your friend is part of a pyramid scheme.
This is sort of a tough subject to tackle. Not really.
Not as tough as dealing with your buddy who just approached you with a brand new way of living your life. That’s right, I said that correctly. The way you’ve been living up to this point has been wrong. All 29 years…wrong.
Every last bit of it.
But don’t be down, there’s hope for your pathetic self yet. But you have to act right now.
The questions start innocent enough.
“Do you want to live a healthy lifestyle?”
“Do you constantly want to burn body fat AANNNDDDDDD have more energy?”
Sound familiar?
If not, then go and thank all of your friends for sparing you this awkward sit down at Starbucks. And to the rest of you who know exactly what I’m talking about, just know that we’re silently holding hands the rest of the way.
So you’re sitting there and your friend keeps blurting out these over-rehearsed sale lines as you start to get hot in places, the places that only you know get hot when you’re feeling uncomfortable.
Meanwhile, he’s chillin’ without a care in the world.
He doesn’t have to convince you over this new worthless do-hickey. He has you by the guilt balls, I mean they’re practically in his hand. He knows it and so do you.
So you’ll fumble around and panic and say you’ll at least think about it.
But you won’t.
The next time you see each other, you’ll make up some weird reason why you haven’t gotten around to it yet. You’ll start lying so easily when you see him it’ll start to shock you.
“Have you read through the material?”
“Yeah.”
“There’s some good stuff in there.”
“Mm…hmmmm,” as you keep a straight face.
But in all honesty, you don’t have a freakin’ clue what they’re referring to, but he’s your friend so you have to lie. I mean, it’s really the only logical thing to do at this point.
And if you’re like me and have a talent for keeping menial, little stupid lies going on way longer than they should, then this will go on for quite a while. Like years, or at least until it’s just too awkward for the both of you to ever be in the same room again.
And in there is where your strained friendship will remain.
Weird relationship room-purgatory OR awkward friendship-hell.
Really whichever one bumps up better against your funny bone.
How do we avoid this?
The next time one of your friends comes to you and asks you to invest in yourself by investing in his/her product first, think long game.
Without a second's hesitation do it. For all the love in the world do it.
Don't wait "24 hours to sleep on it." Don't give yourself the chance to actually think how ridiculous this is because the smart part of your brain will quickly skeet-shoot down any chance of you investing in what seems so obvious to be a ponzi scheme.
In short, don't give your common sense a chance.
Drop the cash right then and there and do it. Wait…don't literally drop the cash on the floor. Unless of course you want to make it rain, then by all means do so. That’s a visual that never gets old. Not to mention how good of a friend you’re being at the moment.
Your friend won’t fully appreciate it at the moment, but once they start a few rounds of psycho-therapy, they’ll start to think about who was there for them and who wasn’t and your patience and ‘friend-first-no-matter-what-the-circumstance’ attitude will start to shine through.
They’ll bring it up in random conversations in public and around other people. You’ll be a fucking rock star to the rest of the world. And the fact that you secretly never gave a shit about what they were selling, barely even grazes your conscience anymore.
But you were thinking long game from the beginning. You knew this day would come when you signed up for that monthly billing of $19.95.
It’s all strategy.
Buy now and ask questions never! Don’t involve yourself with the short game of “being a good friend” and trying to divert their attention away from this horrible idea.
There’s nothing wrong with shutting your brain off every now and again.
Especially for your friend. Give the people what they want.
Intro to Friendship 1011 3hr
Sometimes friends need friends to go to the places with them to buy the drugs, but they never actually buy the drugs. You knew that before you even agreed to tag along, but you’re friends so you do it anyway.
This shows what a good friend you are, which is what friends really need from each other the most. I need to know you’re there for me even when you’re not.
Not to mention it’s a lot easier this way, because when that month comes that they decide to call it quits and that month of "what the fuck was I thinking?" will inevitably come, they're gonna remember who supported them and who didn't.
Who was their street light, plotted along their 2 a.m. stroll through crazy town???
Now you decide
You’re welcome people, I’ve given you a wonderful option moving forward. The only decision left is for you to decide how much this friendship actually means to you.
Can you do without this person?
Without this friendship?
Do you like them, but hate them after 6pm?
Do you hesitate when you see their white sans-serif light up across the screen of your phone?
Mmmm…now that you mention it, he does kinda chew funny.
Now before you get up and Chuck Norris them right in the throat because they literally just said the words ’lol” in the middle of an actual conversation. You know like a real conversation between people. Like the ones that happen in front of your face, where there’s one person on one side and someone else on the other. Yeah…those things. Okay so before you get to that point, relish in the opportunity to eject out of this scab-picking relationship and turn that ponzi scheme-frown upside down, and tell them what you really think.
“Yeah dude, this sounds stupid.”
“Are you sure about this? It kinda sounds like a scam.”
With their face still trying to register what the hell just happened, hit em’ again.
“Nah it’s not for me.”
And be sure to laugh out loud but do it for realsies this time. Then bring it back in with a wax smile and some reassuring head nods for the rest of the conversation….if there is one.