negro u watchin this?

Hell yeah.

Instant classic

This is a great game

Yeah it’s pretty good

Every time Embiid hits a three I’m super stoked

How’s life treating you?

Man it’s cool. Im really enjoying things now

u?

Life’s good. Wife and daughter are happy. We can pay the mortgage and have some fun

hell yeah

You got a steady gf or anything yet?

Well I’ve been messing with this girl for about 2 years now, so I’m thinking

But its one of those “no label” relationships

Yeah.

She want a label though?

I can’t tell

You ask her directly?

God damn saric is awesome

That’s a bad boy

?

I asked her what she wanted but she said she didn’t know

Lol how old is she?

30

Oh shit she should know that by now

I thought you were gonna say 22

Maybe but maybe not

EMBID!!!

Embid is the fucking man yo

All I’m saying is when the chick is like 30 the question should be about kids, not about the relationship. Tick tock is cruel, but reality

That should be game

I don’t know how I feel about that

Yeah I didn’t either

I was on the fence ’til the end

Oh I don’t think im on the fence

Then what do you mean that you don’t know how you feel?

I see things for what they are now

I still don’t understand

Like you and her?

I don’t know how I feel about what u said about women

Oh with the tick tock thing?

Dude the heat stadium has looked empty all game

It’s the freakin’ playoffs

Who’s to say having a baby is a question at all?

And yeah it’s a ghost town

Yeah I’m still not following

And it’s sad, the heat aren’t finals contenders but damn

This was to me top 5 playoff game

Really? Not to me. Maybe if it was a game 7

Maybe it’s because I haven’t seen a good one in so long

probably

"Because you make me feel like a piece of shit because I asked you for a sandwich."

"No."

"Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. You make me feel like shit. Oh she's just lazy she doesn't have any money. Tell the truth, all of the money from our wedding went to you.

Didn't it Justin? I didn't get shit.

...

...

"Do you want to be in marriage with separate finances?"

"Yes."

"Okay. You never told me that before.

You never told me that before."

"Yes I did."

"No you fucking didn't Justin."

"How was I supposed to know whether or not you had your own 20.00 to buy yourself a sandwich?

God You're such a fucking asshole. Why you gotta be such a fucking ass?

I knew it. I knew it. I knew it I knew it. Ahhh fuck I knew it I knew it. Ewwwwww...God I fucking knew it.

All of the money from the wedding went to you. I got nothing, I don't have any money. Give me some fucking money! Every time I have to beg you for money and you make me feel like shit in front of people.

Give me some fucking money Justin.

I'm so sick of this.

...

...

Yes I'm only here to eat, fuck, and leech off of you Justin. Yes that's all I'm here for.

I grab the second thing behind the first thing at the grocery store.

I don't trust automatic bill pay.

I only turn on the ac when I have people in my car.

I talk to myself.

I think Chris Rock is the best at being Chris Rock.

I don't trust 7 11's.

Why are all vampire movies concerned with finding some special cross?

And to everything holy I swear it’s the same goddamn cross every time.

Crucifix.

It’s the same crucifix every time.

The gold one…the one with the red rubies in it.

The one that every vampire and priest wants to get their grubby little hands on.

“Mmhmmm.”

But wait, these are no ordinary “nail em’ sticks.” This one can do special stuff.

Like, depending on whether or not I have this crucifix in a tight fist-crunch, is going to determine whether a pasty Tom Cruise, explodes like a plate of spaghetti in the microwave, or, it'll let him throw a party on my neck.

It’s the same exact movie.

Children eat dog food.

Yeah…they do. I don't know if it's both boys and girls, but it's definitely boys.

Definitely.

I mean, they are kids after all. They do a lot of stuff their parents don't know about.

If you’re a parent, the first time you catch your son pouring sand down his pants, probably wasn’t his first time.

It definitely wasn't his first time, or second for that matter. And now “sand-pants” is just another thing, tacked on to the growing list of “stuff you gotta look out for”. This list by the way, should have your 9-year-old eating dog food at number one.

Well not really eating it, just tasting it a little.

Curiosity is a weird thing. It's what drove me to try it my first time.

It wasn't bad.

Well it wasn't bad, but it wasn't particularly good either. Honestly, it taste like dog food.

Who knew?

I also don't believe I'm the only one. Growing up, I saw other kids try it.

They were all boys.

Maybe it's just a boy thing. I dunno.

I don’t know anything.

I really don't even know what I'm trying to accomplish here anymore, I just feel like other people should know—kids are eating dog food.

Airplane

Okay, so why is everybody so calm on airplanes. Every time I look around all I see, and all I ever see, are calm faces.

Meanwhile whenever there’s enough wind to cause a pinch of turbulence, I start panting.

Let’s start over.

I hate flying.

Like iiiiiiiiii hate it.

I don’t know if it’s the feeling of not having any control of my life

or,

The feeling that I get from not having any control of my life.

I don’t know which one it is, but I do know I’m shittin-scared at take off.

Shittin-scared, for all my laymans out cha’, is not when you’re so scared you shit on yourself.

It’s when you start THINKING that you can only “hold tight” for so long before bad stuff starts to happen.

For reference, this happens approximately thirty minutes after you start telling yourself that holding it in is actually doing more damage to your body…compared to the social damage done from a mysterious melting fudge sickle dripping from the bottom of your pants.

Anyway.

But that thing right there, that feeling; that shittin scared stuff, chops me in the throat every time the wing turns.

Or when the plane wobbles…“And why is the plane wobbling?”

Or when it’s slightly cloudy outside, or if too many people start using their laptops.

Or cell-phones.

Like really dude?

You have to check your gmail account right now??

Can’t that wait Steve?

Come on man..Fuck.

I can only imagine myself standing on top of my plane seat, snapping my fingers saying, “It’s a team effort people.”

And a sea of lobotomy patients stare back at me.

I blow through my lips.

And then I’ll start thinking,

“I wonder how long it’ll take before people will know that I’m dead.”

Now assuming we crashed into a corn field, after the left turbo sucked up a flock of geese. 

Obviously there were no surviving passengers.

How long would it take before somebody noticed?

An hour or two…maybe?

Also assuming nobody was expecting my arrival, like the time I went to Hungary solo dolo.

A day? Two days?

And then I’ll think, “Well, maybe I can survive it?”

If I can just, somehow sandwich myself between these two seat cushions, then that’ll protect me from the blast. I mean, I’ll have a broken leg or something.

But that can heal.

I'll probably be the only survivor though. And with all that media.

“Ugghhck.”

Um…I think I’d rather die. ... .. .

“Helllloooooooo, is this thing on?”

“Is there anybody else out there who feels like me?”

[Take a breather]

“God..,” I can turn crazy quick!

And it doesn't take a whole lot to get me there.

Nothing from the backpack of insecurities that I sport around town, nor from any previous bad relationships. No old ex-girlfriends to blame for this delirium.

| Nope. |

And it wasn't from any "family stuff."

"Gosh."

It was from fuckin' planes.

I saw a guy eat a booger on a train today.

Actually it wasn’t today that the feasting took place, more like a few months back. Anyway, that image is on repeat now in the back of my brain. On the big screen, his mouth counter-clock-wising a bit, his jawbone clinching and relaxing. Clenching and relaxing. Clenching    and relaxing.

Clenching      and then relaxing.

“Eughhhh.”

So yeah, he was just standing there eating it. Like really chewing and chomping at it, which I personally thought was a little dramatic considering the minuscule size of his dinner.

Nope breakfast, because I remember it happening in the morning.

Definitely in the morning and on that train, and I can’t remember if I was sitting or standing, barnacled to the side, but I remember what I saw.

A guy

pick his nose

and then suck on the end of his pinky.

Dude was straight up eating a booger on a public train in front of everybody. Morning commuters…working people. Working people you have to see every day, and working people who also won’t forget that they saw you eat a booger that one time.

Oh.

And I remember him reading something on his phone and being far too busily distracted to even lift up his head, which bothered me. I don’t know why, but it did.

I mean I get the eating boogers part, I guess.

Well not really, but people do gross shit and this is something I’ve accepted.

But to have the gall to not even look up first before doing sed shit? That really irks me.

If that was me, I think before nibbling on the fruits of my labor, I’d look around first.

I mean, assuming I ate boogers. . .which I don’t.

The dot, dot, dots weren’t really necessary there.

And there’s really no ambiguity on this, I just have an affinity for spaced out periods.

I mean…I know what boogers taste like, but it’s like I know what dirt taste like too. So where do we go from here?

I say we because I bet you know what dirt taste like too, but that doesn’t mean you grab a plate and a fork and head to the backyard when it’s dinner time.

I wouldn’t judge you if you did.

Well…

With all judging aside, and for the sake of silly arguments everywhere, let’s just say I was at a restaurant.

And the chef cooking our meals was having a terrible day. So terrible in fact, that he decides as a way of “righting the wrongs” in his life, to blow his nose in my tomato basil. I also have an affinity for anything tomato basil.

And so I take a few bites at first but I know something’s not quite right.

“Hhhrrrrmmmm.”

My friends notice my face scrunching and then I lean over to one of them and whisper,

“Dude…that’s a booger.”

I’m sure you’d do the same and you don’t have to be a booger eater to know when something’s got boogers in it. But whatever, that’s not the point. The point is I saw a guy

eat a booger

on a train.

the End.

“On a bit of a different note,” do different boogers taste different from different people??

Now I got boogers on the brain.

So it's Ash Wednesday---I was reminded on the train ride this morning on my way to work. It's the same metro I take every day, just 2 quick stops to the Chinatown in dc.

Then from there another 3 blocks of entertaining visuals, and I' m walking through the front doors.

It's Ash Wednesday-I was reminded again as I made my way to my cubicle.

I'm transfixed when I see those smudgy black splotches of ash. It brings me back to my high school days.

That was the first place I'd see it.

What? What is that you say? How exactly do these smudges work? I'd like to think my ignorance was charming.

But I was genuinely confused. I had never seen such a thing. Even growing up in Georgia, in the deep south where religion sits on the skin, I'd never seen it before.

"Oh I see, so it's only Catholics that do this??" I'd say after being told by a fellow student who I had irked. To this day I still don't know if it's only Catholics.

The misinformation just keeps piling up over the years and I'm reminded of it every Ash Wednesday. It also highlights the importance or lack thereof, I place in finding out about such, as I continue to remain clueless.

So I continue to stare.

This morning I couldn't help myself from staring/not staring at these people's foreheads while the train abruptly rocked my body back and forth.

I've been staring/not staring all day.

I mean, I dunno. Could I be missing out on something? I couldn't tell you how many times today I questioned my own religious beliefs and spirituality. And what the hell is spirituality anyway? That's another topic for another day that's not Wednesday.

Again, I don't know, but staring at people's foreheads all day kinda does something to you. It's like you're seeing people who you see every day but they're part of this larger club that you had no clue about. And you're also not in.

I didn't know so many people were Catholic, (If it is indeed a Catholic thing...)

I know, I know.

My ignorance is frightening.

I never thought about hell so much, except for on Ash Wednesdays. Should I have a smudge on my forehead too? I can't help but think I'm destined for hell by not having one. I mean look at all these people. Do they know something I don't? Of course they do. I guess I should ask somebody but my timidness to sound like a dumbass stops me. (This is a good trait to have).

I mean even now, as I type this, I could easily look up the meaning of Ash Wednesday on the interwebs....but I don't. And I think herein lies the problem.

Let's suppose having this ash print on my forehead is a clear path to my salvation. Eternal life and high fives with Jesus for the rest of modern time and all of time as we know it.

Shouldn't that prompt my asking around? Wouldn't I wanna find out what I'm missing out on. I think my laziness and, "Let the chips fall where they may" attitude, have doomed me to an eternal damnation.

That by the way, the "let the chips fall" statement----that's something I googled.

refrigerator magnets

VO5 Shampoo

That show with the family dinosaurs

door beads

swat catz

eating a lot of sugar

I de clare war

Bk Knights

eating a lot of jello

night lights

a girl named Tiffany

skating 

super glue

fire ants

This is sort of a tough subject to tackle. Not really.

Not as tough as dealing with your buddy who just approached you with a brand new way of living your life. That’s right, I said that correctly. The way you’ve been living up to this point has been wrong. All 29 years…wrong.

Every last bit of it.

But don’t be down, there’s hope for your pathetic self yet. But you have to act right now.

The questions start innocent enough.

“Do you want to live a healthy lifestyle?”

“Do you constantly want to burn body fat AANNNDDDDDD have more energy?”

Sound familiar?

If not, then go and thank all of your friends for sparing you this awkward sit down at Starbucks. And to the rest of you who know exactly what I’m talking about, just know that we’re silently holding hands the rest of the way.

So you’re sitting there and your friend keeps blurting out these over-rehearsed sale lines as you start to get hot in places, the places that only you know get hot when you’re feeling uncomfortable.

Meanwhile, he’s chillin’ without a care in the world.

He doesn’t have to convince you over this new worthless do-hickey. He has you by the guilt balls, I mean they’re practically in his hand. He knows it and so do you.

So you’ll fumble around and panic and say you’ll at least think about it.

But you won’t.

The next time you see each other, you’ll make up some weird reason why you haven’t gotten around to it yet. You’ll start lying so easily when you see him it’ll start to shock you.

“Have you read through the material?”

“Yeah.”

“There’s some good stuff in there.”

“Mm…hmmmm,” as you keep a straight face.

But in all honesty, you don’t have a freakin’ clue what they’re referring to, but he’s your friend so you have to lie. I mean, it’s really the only logical thing to do at this point.

And if you’re like me and have a talent for keeping menial, little stupid lies going on way longer than they should, then this will go on for quite a while. Like years, or at least until it’s just too awkward for the both of you to ever be in the same room again.

And in there is where your strained friendship will remain.

Weird relationship room-purgatory OR awkward friendship-hell.

Really whichever one bumps up better against your funny bone.

How do we avoid this?

The next time one of your friends comes to you and asks you to invest in yourself by investing in his/her product first, think long game.

Without a second's hesitation do it. For all the love in the world do it.

Don't wait "24 hours to sleep on it." Don't give yourself the chance to actually think how ridiculous this is because the smart part of your brain will quickly skeet-shoot down any chance of you investing in what seems so obvious to be a ponzi scheme.

In short, don't give your common sense a chance.

Drop the cash right then and there and do it. Wait…don't literally drop the cash on the floor. Unless of course you want to make it rain, then by all means do so. That’s a visual that never gets old. Not to mention how good of a friend you’re being at the moment.

Your friend won’t fully appreciate it at the moment, but once they start a few rounds of psycho-therapy, they’ll start to think about who was there for them and who wasn’t and your patience and ‘friend-first-no-matter-what-the-circumstance’ attitude will start to shine through.

They’ll bring it up in random conversations in public and around other people. You’ll be a fucking rock star to the rest of the world. And the fact that you secretly never gave a shit about what they were selling, barely even grazes your conscience anymore.

But you were thinking long game from the beginning. You knew this day would come when you signed up for that monthly billing of $19.95.

It’s all strategy.

Buy now and ask questions never! Don’t involve yourself with the short game of “being a good friend” and trying to divert their attention away from this horrible idea.

There’s nothing wrong with shutting your brain off every now and again.

Especially for your friend. Give the people what they want.

Intro to Friendship 1011 3hr

Sometimes friends need friends to go to the places with them to buy the drugs, but they never actually buy the drugs. You knew that before you even agreed to tag along, but you’re friends so you do it anyway.

This shows what a good friend you are, which is what friends really need from each other the most. I need to know you’re there for me even when you’re not.

Not to mention it’s a lot easier this way, because when that month comes that they decide to call it quits and that month of "what the fuck was I thinking?" will inevitably come, they're gonna remember who supported them and who didn't.

Who was their street light, plotted along their 2 a.m. stroll through crazy town???

Now you decide

You’re welcome people, I’ve given you a wonderful option moving forward. The only decision left is for you to decide how much this friendship actually means to you.

Can you do without this person?

Without this friendship?

Do you like them, but hate them after 6pm?

Do you hesitate when you see their white sans-serif light up across the screen of your phone?

Mmmm…now that you mention it, he does kinda chew funny.

Now before you get up and Chuck Norris them right in the throat because they literally just said the words ’lol” in the middle of an actual conversation. You know like a real conversation between people. Like the ones that happen in front of your face, where there’s one person on one side and someone else on the other. Yeah…those things. Okay so before you get to that point, relish in the opportunity to eject out of this scab-picking relationship and turn that ponzi scheme-frown upside down, and tell them what you really think.

“Yeah dude, this sounds stupid.”

“Are you sure about this? It kinda sounds like a scam.”

With their face still trying to register what the hell just happened, hit em’ again.

“Nah it’s not for me.”

And be sure to laugh out loud but do it for realsies this time. Then bring it back in with a wax smile and some reassuring head nods for the rest of the conversation….if there is one.