BREAKING NEWS: US WATER CONTAMINATED, FREE THOUGHT INFECTED
May 03,2017 08:00AM
By: Stephanie Bonnan
A government whistleblower came forward this week claiming that US water supplies have been tainted with a newly formed substance that renders humans unable to decipher real news from fake news. In recent years, local water testing has determined that many sources of drinking water contain trace amounts of pharmaceuticals, from Zoloft to Xanax and beyond. This increase in water contamination is attributed to millions of American's who are fed up with their physicians and the cost of Obamacare, so in an act of defiance they flush their unused medicine down the toilet, despite warning to dispose of the drugs properly.
The whistleblower, who is using the name "Don Dark" to protect his identity, claims that the US EPA and federal regulation agencies have known about this for a few years. Dark was quoted, " We didn't realize the extent of the damage until the 2016 election, when it became obvious that so many citizens were reading fake news sites on Facebook and taking them to heart when choosing their candidate for President. Websites that are obviously satire were shared with passion as hard facts. When we broke down the numbers and tried to make sense of it, it seems the only American citizens immune are those who drink water from strictly filtered sources- bottled water wasn't among the safe sources. Other sources that are contaminate free include: some Craft beers, imported coconut water and Mountain Dew".
When questioned about the drinking habits of Americans, we pointed out that Trump was carried by mostly rural areas, also deemed the "Trump Lands", where many Americans don't drink enough water. Dark pointed out that many of these areas did consume large amounts of southern style iced tea, made from using tap water. Although the tap water is boiled, the new trace substance cannot be boiled out of water. "The only way to avoid ingesting this substance is to drink only Mountain Dew or highly filtered water, that is $7 a gallon", Dark said. When we asked if any soda would work he sternly said no, that Mountain Dew is the only soda that has proved to eliminate the substance because of it's high content of BVO, Brominated Vegetable Oil. BVO is a controversial ingredient, an altered oil that many nutritionists deem unsafe to ingest in large amounts. Again we countered that many southerners drink more Mountain Dew than water. Dark left no stone unturned, whipping out a statistical study showing that those that only consumed Mountain Dew, with very little to no water, didn't vote in the 2016 Election. His analysis was backed by Nate Silver, who helped crunch the numbers and conduct the studies. Silver, one of the most respected statisticians of our time, joined forces with Dark to make up for his huge prediction error for the 2016 election. Dark said that Silver wanted to get to the root cause of the problem, to figure out why his numbers could've possibly been so far off the mark. Dark and Silver are making strides to figure out how to remedy this situation. Silver couldn't be reached for comment.
But still, many questions remain... What is this substance? How do we stop it? How do we make news real again?
Dark did have a few answers and suggestions. First- warn your friends and family that their water is tainted and immediately provide them with a one month supply of highly filtered water or Mountain Dew. Second- by stock in Mountain Dew immediately, because when more and more people understand their water is contaminated Mountain Dew will be the hottest commodity, even the crunchiest mom's will be guzzling it down. Third- the substance is made up of an unknown side effect of the sheer amount of pharmaceuticals mixing in our water supply. To counter this we either need to stop flushing our medicine because of our anger over Obamacare, OR flush all of it to try to change the chemical makeup of the new substance. Only when we can get our communities off of water and onto Mountain Dew will this be reversed, and news will be real again. It's not only the readers who've been affected, but the journalists, too. Journalists have been recently attacked for reporting "Fake News", and rightly so. Instead of reporting the facts, they have been reporting bits and pieces of what they know and what they've been exposed to throughout the day- unable to interpret real facts from fake facts. Some journalists accused of using Elmo from Sesame Street as a source.
When asked why he decided to speak out now and not sooner, he cited his recent job loss from the EPA, because of the Trump Administration's slashing of regulations and funding for the EPA. "I had no reason to keep quiet anymore", Dark said. "I have a newfound responsibility to the American people to make sure they remove this substance from their drinking sources, and can get back to the facts. Only then will I have my job back. I had no idea that allowing the water contamination to continue would have this type of backlash. I want to get back to the basics and focus on real problems like remedy of this substance and the crisis in Flint, but I can't do that until I am back in the job and the EPA is funded again".
We reached out to the Trump Administration for comment on this huge development, and the Whitehouse phones were down. We then tweeted him, asking if his bottled water brand and resorts were contaminate free, and if he had plans to investigate American water sources. In regular Trump fashion, he responded and attacked saying that we are lying fake media, and that Ivanka is looking into it. He also claimed that he and his immediate advisors drink water from public sources all day long, and obviously they are fine.
We will continue following this story as it develops.
About the Author: Stephanie Bonnan is an investigative journalist, who travels the country researching and reporting what others won't. Upon learning of the water contamination, Stephanie found she was safe because of her addiction to Penta Water and coconut water from South America, and an occasional craft beer- all common drinks of Bernie supporters.