Over the years, there has been a constant threat that no one talks about. It is the most widespread danger that this planet has ever seen. From the smallest villages in Asia to metropolises in North America, all people share this common threat:  water.

Now, before you go off laughing, think about it. One of the United States' worst natural disasters of modern history was a hurricane, wiping out almost an entire city, and putting thousands of people out of their homes. Asia and Oceania are faced with deadly monsoons every year. Japan's recent tragedy with water barely needs mentioning.

On top of all of the destruction water can cause, there lies the disparity of it. While those in tropical places such as the Amazon have an abundance of water, those in deserts such as the Sahara have a stark lack of the liquid. Many people in developing countries don't have access to clean water while other's have plumbing in their houses and waste gallons every month watering their garden.

So, it is no wonder I have decided to take this unpopular stance on H2O, and I am here today to convince you to stand with me.

I have seen first hand this year the harm water can bring about. Many of you are familiar with the weather phenomenon called el Niño which affects the Pacific Ocean and its bordering countries. Last year, many western South American countries got less rain than they had in decades. Cities were in drought. They ran the risk of not having water for their people for the rest of the year because they rely on rain water to fill their reserves.

So, when this year, the weather phenomena brought about an abundance of water, the cities and its people rejoiced, but then, the water didn't stop coming. Rain, rain, rain, for days, weeks- two months past rainy season, and the rain kept coming. Landslides, flash floods. The assumed blessing turned into a crisis before everyone's eyes.

Videos emerged of cars being pushed off of cliffs by mudslides. Heart wrenching footage of a family screaming as their car is pushed down the road, and they can't do anything about it. Other than mudslides, flash floods destroyed homes, villages, road ways.

A phone call was made to a popular radio station from a family that was trapped on their roof by the water. The man begged someone, anyone to help him and his family. The radio station promised to help, but it never came out whether the family was saved.

People had no food, no method of sanitary hydration, no way of life because of the water. Now the waters have subsided, but its effects still remain with the people.

So, I say we boycott water altogether. If enough of us boycott this devious liquid, then we can stop its detrimental effects. We can also prevent the horrible disparity of water throughout the world- if no one uses it, there is no disparity.

Join the movement to save the world from water. With a planet that is three-fourths covered in water and populated with beings anywhere from 75% to 80% water, it will take quite the crusade to effectively stop this inimical liquid.

However, we can stop this awful thing from spreading and harming anymore. We can keep people in developing countries from feeling so awful for their lack of clean water or water in general. We can keep the tropical storms and weather phenomena from affecting regions so drastically. We can let water know that no one wants it around.

Join the campaign! #SayNoToH2O #BoycottWater

News outlets and media have taken the tech world by storm. Something that has been well met by the logged in population. Apple reports that almost all new apps being created and downloaded are for "informational" use.

So why the rise in local broadcasting stations and fake headlines? Is it just that the people are more connected so therefore more involved, or perhaps just disaster rubbernecking. A group of Stanford students had just this question.

"We wanted to know why all the sudden our friends watched the news" Axel Rose, an undergrad, said. Their study tried to connect the headlines to the people. "What stories they watched kind of matched their behaviors. So then we asked could news stories change someone."

The students in Stanford's Local News Study program then set to find out. They started to filter out different stories from the participants social media.

"We just changed what they saw."

What they found was shocking.

"The behaviors changed and the people that were once generally happy were now reacting differently. The most interesting thing was that the group exposed to negative and smear headlines were like hungover. Slow and groggy."

By the end of the twelve day experiment that group was showing signs of alcoholism. One participant is even listed as having "liver complications".

"We know they weren't drinking" Axel stated, "we monitored everything."

So click on those happy cat stories and read until you can't see. Stanford says they aren't sure what to do with the data they found.

"We see that there is a connection but we don't know where the connection is made."

Too many nasty news interviews can make you drunk, but not the good kind. Axel said there was no euphoria only the next morning sick to your stomach hangovers. So our advice is just stay on Prose.

In an unprecedented move, Disney will release the "Iridium Edition" of the popular movie Frozen just three years after its release on standard DVD and Blu-ray in 2014.

Historically, Disney has re-released their movies on a cycle of once per decade. For example, Pinocchio, after its first theatrical release in 1940, was re-released in theaters seven times before the end of the millennium. It has also been released for home view seven times since the advent of the VCR. Pinocchio was part of the "Gold Collection" of Disney movies released on DVD in 2000, and the "Platinum Edition" in in 2009.

Avid collector Anita Hobby told us that each release was for a "limited time only," thereby creating a sense of urgency and demand. "Disney told us this could be the last time our beloved movies from childhood would be available to own. How could we share them with our children if we didn't act right away? Of course I had to buy them."

Ms. Hobby showed us her extensive collection of Classic, Gold, Platinum, and Diamond editions of all Disney's animated films. When asked why she continued to buy the same movie over and over again, she said it was because each later version was clearly better than the last. "If you could have 'classic' jewelry or diamond jewelry, which would you choose? I'm not going to be stuck with mere gold, I can tell you that. Besides, this Diamond Edition could be the last time they ever sell this movie!"

The release of an "Iridium Edition" of Frozen so quickly after its creation has stymied investors and collectors alike. "What could possibly exceed Iridium?" said baffled businessman Milkom Dry. "It's arguably the most precious metal there is. Disney has nowhere to go after this."

Disney spokesperson Parl E. Whites said that that's the idea. "With the Iridium Edition of Frozen, you'll have all you ever need. It includes Blu-ray and DVD formats, digital download, VHS, and even a reel for your old film projector!"

But even more impressive, the Iridium Edition also includes free upgrades to all future video formats with this one lifetime buy. "We wanted to thank our loyal fans for buying the same products over and over from us. This time, we're giving them the best of the best right up front," Mr. Whites explained. "Sure, we might not make as much money, but Disney's never been about profit."

When asked how long the Iridium Edition of Frozen would be available for purchase, Parl E. Whites told us that he couldn't be sure how long it would last. "We can't just 'let it go' forever. It's just not feasible. It's more of a... limited time thing, you know?"

Last week in the question box for my column. "Letters for You" More than a few of you asked that the Chronicle do more pieces on our public parks. And while doing my research I found many of you would like the city to do more to enforce its clothing not optional policy. It seems more and more uptight tourists are flocking to our parks but remaining clothed. And those clothes are upsetting the locales.

And after just a few days observing the tourists. I had to agree. Some of the styles are so Alien to anything one would call stylish. Abstract attempted but not achieved. Color pairings I had never seen and now having. Get a bad taste in my mouth at the thought. One could only think distastefulness was the designer's purpose. I wouldn't use some of them for a smash rag. It made it almost impossible to achieve erection. Or be anything but sad. Frowns are not what you would think to see on the faces of Beautiful naked bodies as they enjoy some of mother Milky Way's most beautiful parks. On a brighter note. At least for moment. I came across a shiny and brand spanking new large outhouse designated specifically for voyeurs. BLUMPKINONLY boldly labeled were one would normally see Handy or Boys/Girls. It made me proud to think we live in such an open minded advanced society. That respects enjoyment of all kinds. Don't knock it try it. Should be our official motto. It's how we think first. But my adulation was not warranted as of yet. My grin was soon washed away when I turned to a passerby to share in the moment with. Possibly get a Blumpkin or give one. I wanted to baptize that big blue bitch properly with a deuce and a discharge. As any self respecting Lumen being would. Are planet shines the brightest for a reason. It's easy to smile when we're all getting laid so much. Suck on that earth. You won't. Boring!!!

Back to the this stranger though. Gorgeous feet I first notice bronze and bold I feel. Well traveled. Calves smooth and well formulated. And thighs. Yes those amazing thighs. Thick and sweaty at the time. A vibrant floral syrup came to mind to thick to do anything but drip slowly and seductively. To sum up these legs I'd say well tensioned all around. Up and down. Tan lines done purposely to ad a touch of kink. I like the touch. And a brilliantly styled bountiful bush. Rose colored at its base growing into gold as I travelled up it with my eyes. Slowly so not to miss a characteristic that might help me find my way back down this path. If it's owner so desire. Then as eye sought the creases at hip they lust over much. Oh how they get together. And arrow make. It kills me every time I am blessed. To be touched by its tip. Their sight alone gets my attention. Full. Till I heard. "Are you looking for a Blumpkin?" Without hesitation I responded. "Well not initially but if you're offering I got a bowel movement I can conjure up." "What?" Was her befuddled response.

I was about to shout it the second time. Then my eyes caught a glimpse of the tiny shirt covering her small but perk breast. (No bra necessary) It was made to look like a custom license plate. And it read. "Blump kin only" but then in smaller letters below "Annual Family reunion 2017"

Talk about taking the wind out ones sail. My booner went from. "I work out!" To. Sock that won't stay up and hates itself for it in less than a second.

So to right this injustice and the other stated before it. For you. My readers and fellow Luminaries. I sent this letter to city hall and will continue to until a Blumpkin only public restroom becomes a normality not just a novelty.

Signed RamonELCamino.

A new survey conducted by the National Institute of Surveys revealed today that all surveys are pretty much pointless.

The survey took what was supposedly an accurate cross section of the population, but what was really just a sampling of bored people who had nothing better to do than respond to random internet surveys, and asked them their opinions on surveys.

Of the people surveyed, 63% of people said that they distrusted the results of surveys, 27 percent said they trusted surveys, and 10 percent of people said that they were only responding to the survey because there was a 15$ gift certificate to KFC included if they answered.   Surprisingly, an additional 4% responded affirmatively after the survey was over, which made us wonder if the survey team was really all that qualified.

In addition, most people who proofread and edited this article also found surveys pointless.

Do you seem to be on your phone or other electronic device regularly?  If so, you've probably heard the tell-tale warning that too much screen-time can have negative consequences.  Recent studies conducted by the Side Effects of Screen Organization (SESO) may have proven that theory.  SESO recently reported that, as part of their general screen studies, there seems to be a correlation between screen-time and success rates.  The majority of the studies took place on the university level.  SESO took two groups of students: one that would spend three hours of their day on a smart phone, and one that spent no time on a smart phone.  After a week, both groups were given a simple test.  It was reported that 94% of those who spent three hours a day on a smart phone made lower scores than those who did not.  This study was repeated using various different types of technology.  When a tablet or iPad was used in place of a phone, 89% of device users did more poorly.  In the case of a laptop computer, 67% of device users had lower scores.  The final electronic device that was used in the study was a television.  However, in this case, only 12% of device users made scores lower than those who did not use the device. 

Dr. Janis P. Hone, who was heading the studies, explained what this could mean for device users.  In her public statement representing SESO, she said the following:

"The evidence of [the] studies clearly shows the impact that these devices have on our bodies and minds.  This should be a wake-up call for those that use cellphones, tablets, iPads, computers, and any other device with which you stare at a screen.  This technology is proving to make us less successful in the real world.  Something needs to be done to end this epidemic of screen-obsessed device users."

Dr. Hone elaborated on her plan to reduce the number of those exposing themselves to large amounts of screen-time in her publication, The Technological Apocalypse: An Age of Screen Zombies.  This article can be found in SESO's scientific journal, The Affected. 

With this new information being released, it is hard to predict what the public's response will be.  What about you?  Will you give up your screen for success?

New believers of global warming, big business politicians have been on the warpath looking for someone else to blame.  A group of house representatives funded by the oil and gas industry led the charge employing private investigators to find the parties responsible for the reported increase in temperatures across the globe.  One of the representatives, requesting their name be withheld,  stated that "recent studies by very knowledgeable environmental scientists have made it harder to call global warming a hoax."  Another representative, whose biggest campaign contributor was Exxon Mobile, said: "our next big step is not to find ways to prevent or to reverse the effects of global warming but to find the people responsible!"

After five long days of extensive investigation, the architects of global warming were finally found to be real estate agents.  An investigator on the successful team, Findita Nowl, explained their reasoning for the conclusion.  "The latest projections for Earth after 20 years show massive new beaches, and we all know who stands to profit from new beach front property!"  Although the fingers have been pointed, no arrests of real estate agents have been made.  

In another related story, news outlets are being accused of the rise in scandalous behavior among politicians.

When I saw him, I knew I had to write a satire about him. Let me explain. Me and my siblings like to make satires! I mean we really like too.  

      I pulled my notebook out of my backpack and started to draw. 

      The hair I drew big and curly. When in reality, it was a flat comb-over. (The best for satirizing!) 

      The nose I drew big and pointy, (The best type!) when it seemed that theirs nose was one of a wii characters! 

       The feet are the best part of the WHOLE satire! People don't have big feet in real life, but trust me, they sure do in my satires! I made them so big a clown would be jealous!

       Now for the belly. When I satire people I add the biggest belly you can think of! So big that their shirt barely covers it! 

        Now for the universal MOLE ON THE CHEEK! It adds a great touch to the finishing look. You can never go wrong with adding a mole!

        And don't forget to make them sad! 

May 03,2017 08:00AM

By: Stephanie Bonnan

A government whistleblower came forward this week claiming that US water supplies have been tainted with a newly formed substance that renders humans unable to decipher real news from fake news. In recent years, local water testing has determined that many sources of drinking water contain trace amounts of pharmaceuticals, from Zoloft to Xanax and beyond. This increase in water contamination is attributed to millions of American's who are fed up with their physicians and the cost of Obamacare, so in an act of defiance they flush their unused medicine down the toilet, despite warning to dispose of the drugs properly.

The whistleblower, who is using the name "Don Dark" to protect his identity, claims that the US EPA and federal regulation agencies have known about this for a few years. Dark was quoted, " We didn't realize the extent of the damage until the 2016 election, when it became obvious that so many citizens were reading fake news sites on Facebook and taking them to heart when choosing their candidate for President. Websites that are obviously satire were shared with passion as hard facts. When we broke down the numbers and tried to make sense of it, it seems the only American citizens immune are those who drink water from strictly filtered sources- bottled water wasn't among the safe sources. Other sources that are contaminate free include: some Craft beers, imported  coconut water and Mountain Dew".

When questioned about the drinking habits of Americans, we pointed out that Trump was carried by mostly rural areas, also deemed the "Trump Lands", where many Americans don't drink enough water. Dark pointed out that many of these areas did consume large amounts of southern style iced tea, made from using tap water. Although the tap water is boiled, the new trace substance cannot be boiled out of water. "The only way to avoid ingesting this substance is to drink only Mountain Dew or highly filtered water, that is $7 a gallon", Dark said. When we asked if any soda would work he sternly said no, that Mountain Dew is the only soda that has proved to eliminate the substance because of it's high content of BVO, Brominated Vegetable Oil. BVO is a controversial ingredient, an altered oil that many nutritionists deem unsafe to ingest in large amounts. Again we countered that many southerners drink more Mountain Dew than water. Dark left no stone unturned, whipping out a statistical study showing that those that only consumed Mountain Dew, with very little to no water, didn't vote in the 2016 Election. His analysis was backed by Nate Silver, who helped crunch the numbers and conduct the studies. Silver, one of the most respected statisticians of our time, joined forces with Dark to make up for his huge prediction error for the 2016 election. Dark said that Silver wanted to get to the root cause of the problem, to figure out why his numbers could've possibly been so far off the mark. Dark and Silver are making strides to figure out how to remedy this situation. Silver couldn't be reached for comment.

But still, many questions remain... What is this substance? How do we stop it? How do we make news real again?

Dark did have a few answers and suggestions. First- warn your friends and family that their water is tainted and immediately provide them with a one month supply of highly filtered water or Mountain Dew. Second- by stock in Mountain Dew immediately, because when more and more people understand their water is contaminated Mountain Dew will be the hottest commodity, even the crunchiest mom's will be guzzling it down. Third- the substance is made up of an unknown side effect of the sheer amount of pharmaceuticals mixing in our water supply. To counter this we either need to stop flushing our medicine because of our anger over Obamacare, OR flush all of it to try to change the chemical makeup of the new substance. Only when we can get our communities off of water and onto Mountain Dew will this be reversed, and news will be real again. It's not only the readers who've been affected, but the journalists, too. Journalists have been recently attacked for reporting "Fake News", and rightly so. Instead of reporting the facts, they have been reporting bits and pieces of what they know and what they've been exposed to throughout the day- unable to interpret real facts from fake facts. Some journalists accused of using Elmo from Sesame Street as a source.

When asked why he decided to speak out now and not sooner, he cited his recent job loss from the EPA, because of the Trump Administration's slashing of regulations and funding for the EPA. "I had no reason to keep quiet anymore", Dark said. "I have a newfound responsibility to the American people to make sure they remove this substance from their drinking sources, and can get back to the facts. Only then will I have my job back. I had no idea that allowing the water contamination to continue would have this type of backlash. I want to get back to the basics and focus on real problems like remedy of this substance and the crisis in Flint, but I can't do that until I am back in the job and the EPA is funded again".

We reached out to the Trump Administration for comment on this huge development, and the Whitehouse phones were down. We then tweeted him, asking if his bottled water brand and resorts were contaminate free, and if he had plans to investigate American water sources. In regular Trump fashion, he responded and attacked saying that we are lying fake media, and that Ivanka is looking into it. He also claimed that he and his immediate advisors drink water from public sources all day long, and obviously they are fine.

We will continue following this story as it develops.

About the Author: Stephanie Bonnan is an investigative journalist, who travels the country researching and reporting what others won't. Upon learning of the water contamination, Stephanie found she was safe because of her addiction to Penta Water and coconut water from South America, and an occasional craft beer- all common drinks of Bernie supporters.

The National Office of Science in Human Intellectual Texting, known as NO SHIT has released their findings on the Positive Aspects of Texting in Society or PATS. Ninety-One people participated in the study over the last six months. Per scientists, participants were evenly divided, forty-six males and forty-five females. No participants were older than 31 years of age, and 97% had accounts on Tinder. There is a 3% margin of error calculated into the study because of those participants, or 2.73 people, own flip phones.

The purpose of the study was to show the positive mental effects of Texting during one's normal day. 89% of the participants say they no longer engage in idle conversation with the people they are with when eating in restaurants. Some restaurants complain patrons take longer to eat because they are busy texting and not eating. Restaurateurs say people are no longer enjoying the dining out experience. Some claim texting is disruptive to fellow diners. Others find it chic to text.

A new establishment in posh Beverly Hills, The PicUPLATE, is the first of its kind. "Sit down take out," is how owner Moishe Yamagata describes his brainchild. He is credited with creating the latest food craze in Japan, "Fried Air." Moishe's quote, "You can't see it, you can't taste it, but it's all around you and comes in 8 flavors."

At PicUPLATE, food lovers enjoy an ambiance similar to Armageddon where they sit down and order one of 20-four course meals. Each course is specially prepared and brought to the table where patrons take two pictures of each course using their cell phones. The server whisks the food away and pours it into a take out container. Between courses, patrons text others about their food experience. No eating is allowed while dining at the PUP, which reduces the costs of having utensils or napkins says, Yamagata. At the end of the gastronomical experience, each patron leaves with four food containers. They leave refreshed and hungry.

Yamagata says The PicUPLATE is booked for the next four months and the cost is $150 per 4-course meal.

Another innovative study deals with a combination of fashion, outdoor activities, and texting. This takes us to Silicon Valley and a start-up company called, LOOK OUT. They have developed a thin layered bodysuit which can be worn even while in a swimming pool. The suit is fitted with 300 tiny sensors strategically placed. The wearer of a LOOK OUT bodysuit is able to walk or hike anywhere without taking their eyes off their phone. Each sensor has a small pin embedded on each tip. If there is a potential danger that the wearer is straying into traffic or walking off a cliff, the 300 sensors will immediately activate and lightly jab the wearer's body. "It feels like a little pinprick times 300," says Peter Gasman. The company says 100 of the 300 sensors are placed on and around the genital areas for shock purposes and not for stimulation. Mr. Gasman says that the LOOK OUT bodysuit will not activate in a horizontal position.

The founder's son, Peter "Stump" Gasman was emotional during the interview and told us, "This has been a long time coming but the LOOK OUT bodysuit is ready for market. My father would have been proud. I dedicate this product to him," says Stump.

"The actual work on the LOOK OUT began when I was texting him in response to his text. He was in his office standing by the window, right up there," he points to a second-floor window overlooking the factory. "We keep our single engine Cessna here in the factory and Fred, our mechanic was working on the plane that day. Mistakenly, while responding to my father's text, I walked into a propeller blade." 

He held up his right arm which no longer sports a right hand, hence "Stump."

"Two months later, after I got out of the hospital, I discovered my father was hiking on the rim of the Grand Canyon. It was a rainy day and the authorities said conditions were dangerous. I texted him.

The LOOK OUT bodysuit will save countless lives. Crossing streets, standing on escalators, hiking like my dumb father, or just out for a morning walk without any regard for your environment. We are working on the next generation prototype called, 'Texting & Driving-No Problem.' That one is a little dicey but we think we can pull it off. Currently, we are also in discussions with Versace to make a LOOK OUT bodysuit for outerwear. Sometime in the near future, we will launch an IPO."

The NO SHIT study further shows that texting can help people develop an attitude of total disregard for other human beings, a heightened level of rudeness, and can also help strengthen your thumbs.

There is a slight chance, but no clinical evidence to support this, that texting may help with either weight loss or weight gain. Currently, a spokesperson from NO SHIT says when the company receives their one million dollar Federal Grant money check, which is in the mail, studies will begin. It is titled, "Fingers Do More Than You Realize."