So, W-h-a-t’s U-p W-i-t-h T-h-a-t?

Dear Food Industry,

So, what's up with these foods with letters in them? I absolutely cannot STAND soup, so I've never had 'Alphabet' soup, but the cereal? Alpha-Bits? Now, that's the shit, right there. And I keep getting bowl after bowl, so I can see all the words I can spell out. Like, I love to spell out the time of day; I mean, if I'm eating in the a.m, I try to spell "morning" and if I'm eating in the p.m, it's "afternoon" or "evening" or "night". I've eaten so much damn cereal, I'm nearly big as a h-o-u-s-e, now...See there? See what I did? I just HAD to spell out a word and it's all your damn fault. And as if spelling out actual w-o-r-d-s isn’t bad enough, I’ve now found myself trying to do the whole alphabet. And I have yet to do it. The furthest I’ve gotten is to the letter “N”. How the fuck can you call yourself “Alpha-Bits” when you’re missing some of the bits? I just don’t get it.

And heaven forbid, it’s a day or evening or night when I want to make a whole sentence…Actually, I kind of like that, but then the whole bowl is soggy, by the time I get done and that is not good. My greatest fear is that I’ll empty a whole box at once cuz I’m trying to write an actual story. I imagine it’ll be doubly-hard since there are some bits – or should that be “bets”? – that are always missing.

And worst of all? Now I'm a criminal! I'm a damn cereal-killer.

I hope you rot in hell,

- Unhappy Serial-Eater.