Proselife

1. First and foremost, I always start with this refrain: "What the fuck am I going to write about today?" I hardly ever sit down with an idea in my head and just go from there; there's a lot of me staring at the screen, at all that white empty space and me trying to dredge something from the bilge of my head.

2. If step one is taking too long, I go to the main page and read the latest and greatest from the Prose world and my favorite Prosers. Actually I do this anyway, even if I don't write a word. I am consistently and happily blown away several times a day by the people on here, and it's inspiring as all hell to me. I really love it. There is a subset of things I tend to say while reading.

     a. "what the fuck was that all about", is a common refrain

     b. "wow, that was beautiful", comes up not infrequently

     c. "damn, i'm unfollowing that fool right now", came up today for the first time, sadly.

     d. "i hope (name of Proser) will like this", is something I think about every post I have done since my first one when I didn't know anyone here.

     e. "who cares if they like it, I'm writing for myself", is something I tell myself as I post, which is true of course, but also not true. No one writes solely for themselves; people don't burn their journals. I may or may not indulge in a philosophical debate about whether art for its own sake has meaning, or whether art is imbued with meaning by the ones who see/consume/are affected by it. 

     f. "that was hot", is something I say a lot after reading the romance and erotica section. Ahem. 

3. I also try to send thank you's to the people who have liked and/or reposted my stuff. I don't think I've missed anyone but if I have, THANKS. Seriously, there is nothing better than seeing that I have a new notification on my little EKG icon up there. It gets me going to see that pop up.

4. Ok finally I will write something. For some reason, I am in a depressing-confessional-poetry-where-I-come-off-looking/sounding-a-little-weird-and-mildly-creepy phase. I never wrote poetry until I came here, save one attempt. But now I can't seem to stop, although I think my poems have a prosaic style. There is a small subset of things I think and say after I am done writing.

     a. "is this post going to make me look (perverted/gay/sociopathic/abusive/etc)", is a question that is near-constant in my posting life. With one small exception of a minor fudge of truth, all the "confessional" poems I've written here are true stories, and I don't come out so well in a lot of them (you've probably figured out I'm a former heroin addict and adult film actor), so I naturally wonder about how I'm perceived. Yes, it's arrogant and small-minded but I do anyway. 

     b. "maybe that should have been a story", is something I'm saying a lot, seeing myself pump out these long-ass poems. I always think of myself as a prose writer, I feel it's my strength, but right now, poetry is calling me, so...

     c. "is that the best you could do", is a question I ask before I hit post every time. Not in a mean way but in a serious, is this really the best version of this way. I'm not always 100% convinced that it is when I post, but it's as good as I can do it in that moment, and so I send it out into the Prososphere and hope that I get some constructive feedback. You guys are pretty great about that.

5. Random things I have said just this past week here: 

"is that a picture of a vagina??"; "what is wrong with that woman's vagina?"; "I'm not sure you are making the point you want to make."; "I'm going to miss you."; "oh my god fucking sick"; "well, it's better than the one about the chicken."

6. I love reading and doing the challenges, because they are just that: challenges. They make me think about stories I never would have written on my own, and the myriad of ideas and concepts is truly inspiring. Like this one, I loved this one. Thanks @SelfTitled!