Remaining Embers

"So, how have you been?"

Beth's query to me was barely heard over the pounding of my heart. After all of this time living very separate lives, engaging in separate loves, she has me stirred up as if things never ended poorly. It was as if she swooped back into my life, blew on the remaining embers left of us, and set me aflame once more. I hated feeling this way. I loved feeling this way. She looked almost the same, she smelled the same, sans that she gave up smoking somewhere along the way. 

"Life has been a whirlwind of ups and downs, honestly. Ginny's cancer and death the lowest point. How about you? How have things been for you?"

"Same as you I suppose, a few loves, one marriage. All lost. But, not all of it bad," She smiled at that, the same soft warm smile that hooked me way back when. It had a bit more wisdom behind it now, replacing the bit of carefree whimsy of yesteryear. It was beautiful, all the same.

"So, honestly, why..."

"...contact you, after all of this time? Do I have to answer honestly?" Beth laughed, her honey rich laugh. It actually sounded a bit cleaner than back when when she was still smoking, "Because, beyond everything else, I never fully stopped missing you. I never fully escaped how the memory of you haunted me. I never...stopped comparing others to you on all things..."

She left the rest unsaid. She didn't have to answer. A small part of me wanted to ask why she ended it before, but it seemed a pointless question now. I ended up loving after Beth. Getting married to the love of my live, Ginny. We were content and happy and passionate. I did love hard again after Beth. The only thing that ended it was a battle with cancer. It devastated me. If Beth reached out to me a year sooner, I would have probably ignored the call. She always had an amazing insight into me though, when to give me space and when to break down the door, even without knowing directly what was going on in life.

"And Danny, I know it is long overdue, but I am sorry for hurting you. I am sorry for leaving. I do not regret much of that decision, but I always regretted the hurt it was to cause."

"It is so far removed, it doesn't matter anymore. I had many wonderful moments since, that would have never happened. So perhaps I should thank you for letting me go."

She smiled at that, reached over to caress my cheek as she use to a thousand times before. I got the same jolt I always had from her. I hated that it came back so easily, but I loved it as well. "Oh, my sage, I see your old soul is still getting older."

I smiled at that. She always made me feel warm when she referred to me in such a way. 

She looked at me a bit more seriously and then asked, "Can we get out of here, and take a walk?"

"Sure."

~~~

Beth broke protocol and pretense and took my hand in hers five minutes into out walk, as if the last fifteen years of life never happened. It was both a reflex and a need for the comfort.

"Danny, this has been nice, but. Well, I want a chance to start over. I have been wanting to call you forever, but it never felt like the right time. Now, I don't want any more time to slip away, or at least, without giving us a chance again."

She was fumbling at her words. All of the normal confidence she displayed in the bistro was now gone. She was vulnerable and unsure. It made my heart lurch.

"Of course we can start over. We never completely stopped being friends, so it would be more like continuing, but I know what you mean. We can take it slow, give us time to get reacquainted."

She smiled her honeyed smile and I watched a tear begin to form. Without thinking, I reached up and wiped it away. It was a reflex and a need to comfort her.

~~~

I woke with a start, as if from a wonderful dream, yet Beth was curled up into me, both of us as naked as the first time we made love. So much for taking it slow. The walk built up the tension between us. All of the resistances slowly melted away to leave us with the needs we use to always have.

The love-making was a desperate thing. It was new, yet we were already familiar with each other and how we danced. The passion was the same but the experience was deeper. We loved, we fucked, and we did damn near everything in between.

I watched her sleep on my chest. I studied how effortlessly her form pressed into mine. I hoped this was not a fleeting thing but truly a restart into our lives.

For now, I was content and perhaps was the first time since losing Ginny that I tasted happiness unblemished again.

I could hear her ghost whisper to me, when we were newly engaged, "You know, she was a fool to let you go. I almost feel I need to thank her."

I thought to myself, "But, I would have never had the chance to love you, and I was meant to understand what that love was to be."

I am surprised I didn't feel any guilt. The moment just was. A new chapter of life reintroducing old characters, with no harm toward those we've left behind.