On the issue of gifts
My mom always told me that she hates receiving gifts.
I couldn't understand. In my 5-year-old head, decorated with pigtails and stuffed with ideals, it made zero sense. "Why?", I asked. "Aren't gifts an expression of somebody's care about you? Why would you ever feel bad about somebody showing that they care?"
I wished that sometime, I'll be liked. I fantasized about my friends getting me amazing presents. I would place them on the little shelf next to my bed, and even late at night, once the lights are out and the house immerses in silence, I would lift my eyelids and send a glance towards these souvenirs of care. They would become my inducers of happy dreams and the warriors who'd defeat my self-loathing once and for all. No cold would bother me amidst the warmth in my fluttering heart. Every time I'd see my friends, I would flash them the brightest of my smiles, just because I feel like that. Hugging them like a teddy bear, I would enjoy the magic of our friendship, sealed once and for all with the display of attentiveness they gave me. Utter happiness. Full positivity. Love.
Grateful [adj.]: full of gratitude.
"Well, if someone gives you a nice gift, you're obliged to return the favor", mom responded, rubbing her temple. Her eyes were highlighted with grey bags, which never disappeared. Always selfless and perfectionist, always ready to rip off parts of her heart and distribute them to others. At least I know where I have learned that. "And it's sometimes really hard to think about something that would make people happy. It takes a lot of time".
My future went bleak. I gazed once more inside at my wishes, and I found myself trying to decide how to give an equally nice souvenir to my mindscape friend. Wandering through many, many shops with just a few coins jingling in my pocket, I was having trouble with finding something that could be considered a proper payback. At night, I lifted my eyelids to glance at the small gift on the shelf, but this time, it kept me awake the whole night. Blood showed up on my fingers as I bit my nails over a possibility of being a disappointment. I saw my friend, but all I did was fix my gaze on the floor and quickly walk away. Before they ask when I would finally return the favor. After all, I was obliged to do that. I understood how mom felt. It was just like avoiding school when you've found it too hard to prepare for the test.
What could be fun and pleasure, became a bothering chore.
Indebted [adj.]: the state of owing something to somebody.
Relationships are not economies.
People are not banks.
Kindness is not a capital.
And yet, it can be so easy to forget those simplest things in this busy world.