My mom always told me that she hates receiving gifts.

I couldn't understand. In my 5-year-old head, decorated with pigtails and stuffed with ideals, it made zero sense. "Why?", I asked. "Aren't gifts an expression of somebody's care about you? Why would you ever feel bad about somebody showing that they care?"

I wished that sometime, I'll be liked. I fantasized about my friends getting me amazing presents. I would place them on the little shelf next to my bed, and even late at night, once the lights are out and the house immerses in silence, I would lift my eyelids and send a glance towards these souvenirs of care. They would become my inducers of happy dreams and the warriors who'd defeat my self-loathing once and for all. No cold would bother me amidst the warmth in my fluttering heart. Every time I'd see my friends, I would flash them the brightest of my smiles, just because I feel like that. Hugging them like a teddy bear, I would enjoy the magic of our friendship, sealed once and for all with the display of attentiveness they gave me. Utter happiness. Full positivity. Love.

Grateful [adj.]: full of gratitude.

"Well, if someone gives you a nice gift, you're obliged to return the favor", mom responded, rubbing her temple. Her eyes were highlighted with grey bags, which never disappeared. Always selfless and perfectionist, always ready to rip off parts of her heart and distribute them to others. At least I know where I have learned that. "And it's sometimes really hard to think about something that would make people happy. It takes a lot of time".

My future went bleak. I gazed once more inside at my wishes, and I found myself trying to decide how to give an equally nice souvenir to my mindscape friend. Wandering through many, many shops with just a few coins jingling in my pocket, I was having trouble with finding something that could be considered a proper payback. At night, I lifted my eyelids to glance at the small gift on the shelf, but this time, it kept me awake the whole night. Blood showed up on my fingers as I bit my nails over a possibility of being a disappointment. I saw my friend, but all I did was fix my gaze on the floor and quickly walk away. Before they ask when I would finally return the favor. After all, I was obliged to do that. I understood how mom felt. It was just like avoiding school when you've found it too hard to prepare for the test.

What could be fun and pleasure, became a bothering chore.

Indebted [adj.]: the state of owing something to somebody.

Relationships are not economies.

People are not banks.

Kindness is not a capital.

And yet, it can be so easy to forget those simplest things in this busy world.

Gratitude is an emotion from the heart. Gratitude is where you are thankful something happened but aren't required to give back to the person who helped you. It's for the simple things, like, dropping your wallet and having someone return it to you. Some one opens the door for you and you thank them. Gratitude is for the little things people do that you offer thanks for, but would don't leave you with a feeling of needing to do something nice for them in return.

Indebtedness, on the other hand, seems almost as if it is higher than gratitude. Indebtedness is where you are so thankful for what the person did, whether it be saving your son's life or persuading you not to commit suicide, you feel a need to give back to that person in some way. Sometimes it can be a simple case where a really nice person drops their wallet and you return it to them. They then say, "how about I grab you lunch since you were so nice as to give me back my wallet." That is indebtedness. You have a need to return the favor for what another person did.

Now, another difference between gratitude and indebtedness is the fact that gratitude is alway positive. Indebtedness can be both for positive and negative depending on the circumstances. Think in the terms of Hammurabi's code, "an eye for an eye." If someone were to kill your mother, you feel the need to get revenge on the murderer. That is indebtedness. You are indebted to the murderer for what they did to your mother, so how do you pay off that debt? You kill them back, or do something so awful to them they wish they were dead. That is just a blunt description in what negative indebtedness is. Another way to describe it is, someone punches you in the face so you punch them back. You two then get into a fight and get tossed out of your favorite bar. Because he hit you, you felt the need to his him back. Because you guys were agitating people and causing a ruckus, the bartender felt the need to toss you two out. Indebtedness is almost like cause and effect. You do something and someone or something pays you back for it in someway. In other words, you can describe it as the consequences of your action.

There are probably many for ways you can take these two concepts, but that would probably go on for a long time. Either way, indebtedness leaves you feeling in need to treat the other person in equivalence of how they treated you, and gratitude simply leaves you happy and thankful for something that happened. One can stem off from the other, creating an easy confusion between the two. Sometimes, when a person has a high moral code, gratitude is the exact same thing as indebtedness. It just depends on from which perspective you are looking at it.

Gratitude is feeling your soul take flight which inspires you to make the world better and share your joy. It is selfless.

Indebtedness is feeling an anchor around your neck which gnaws at you to make your savior better and share their freedom. It is selfish.

~~~

Gratitude is a genuine smile.

Indebtedness is a stoic gaze.

~~~

Gratitude is passing it forward.

Indebtedness is passing it back.

~~~

In your lifetime you will be at the mercy and benefit of both from either direction. Whether you give or receive, do so with an open hand and a straight back.

#Challenge #Debt #Indebtedness

Gratitude and indebtedness are both qualities that can arise within oneself after receiving a gift. Both are a sense of appreciation for a kindness received but not earned, yet their emotional flavors are subtly different.

Gratitude is a warm, sweet flavor. It tastes like hot mulled cider that warms you from the inside out and leaves a hint of delicious cinnamon in your mouth. It's a cozy sense of well-being comprised of happy thankfulness and assurance that someone cares about you.

Indebtedness, in contrast, is the pungent taste of raw onion that won't leave your mouth, no matter how many times you brush your teeth. Oh, the sandwich was delicious when you ate it, but now you can't escape the lingering onion's sharpness. It nags at you, this type of thankfulness, because it reminds you that the kindness scale is out of balance.

Consider, for example, the time when a family from my church cleared snow out of my driveway when I was away on vacation. I was immensely surprised to be able to pull up to the garage upon my return. I knew there had been three- to four-foot drifts of heavy snow in the driveway, and when I got the story from them, I found out they had shoveled the long drive by hand! It was no trivial gift.

And here I teetered between feelings of simple gratitude and indebtedness. This act was unsolicited on my part and I knew this family expected nothing from me in return. They were happy to do it. Their thoughtfulness and evident care for me gave me that warm apple cider glow: Gratefulness. But they put a crazy amount of work into it. How could I possibly repay them? What would be similarly extravagant? With these thoughts came that onion aftertaste, cutting through the sweet cinnamon: Indebtedness.

Either feeling might lead to reciprocity. Gratitude is so delicious that you naturally want to share it with others. It's a glow that can fill you to the point of overflowing, inspiring you to show kindness in return. But when it comes to indebtedness, you just have to get that onion taste out of your mouth. You appreciated the gift, but you can't rest until you pay back the kindness. Indebtedness motivates by a sense duty, whereas gratitude motivates by delight.

The next summer after this family shoveled my driveway, I had them over for a picnic and games. Since this family has seven kids, the picnic meal was no trivial gift! In this story, the paths of gratitude and indebtedness began and ended with the same events: snow shoveling and a picnic. Only I know if I took the way of delight or the way of duty. But I'll give you a hint- the summer sun wasn't the only warming influence on the occasion.

She grabbed her by the wrist in exasperation, causing the girl to recoil with a hiss:

"What did you think? I would be grateful? being so tied down? trying to meet your demands? That I'd take some sort of submissive joy catering to your whims? I NEVER asked to be born!" She felt handcuffed; a debtor, not a daughter.

Raising her voice unnecessarily, she freed herself vehemently as she hotly spat these hateful words, and whisked out the door— stumbling suddenly down to the bottom of the long circular stairs! Of course, she had meant to stomp out of the living room, descend to the garage, and make a show of her independence by taking off in the car. "Her's," but generally speaking a family buy... 4.9% APR with maturation in a year or so.

As she lay at the bottom like a rag, with her dolled up face contorted shamefully, she came to an insight, reflecting how very nearly she could have been lying for the rest of her life as a paraplegic, instead of just being figuratively paralyzed on the concrete floor..... Life disciplines, and she had been arrogant! She had begun to care less— rejecting gratitude. She found herself chastened by this incident, realizing suddenly, that we are all collateral, regardless of age, experience, or position. A fragment is only owned by the whole... she is indebted to no one!

Ingratitude, more than anybody, was slapping her in the face. She would nurture this insight, be more cognizant! Carefully, and deliberately, she picked herself up painfully off of the floor. She would stop chaining herself, and others, with her childish insistence that "They" are responsible for her. She would view Life with Gratitude—come what may.

In sum: 

Gratitude is given freely, independent of what is or is not received. In a mysterious way, the capacity for Gratitude precedes any other gift. It's a choice available to us everyday.

When we begrudgingly feel there is a need to exchange something for something (be it good, bad, or indifferent), we are not grateful, we are indebted.

#GRATITUDEvsINDEBTEDNESS

Lets put it this way: today, I am grateful for her. Every minute of pain and darkness I have ever felt, I would gladly feel over again for a million lifetimes if it meant I could end up where I am right now. With her. In her arms. In her thoughts. Seen by her eyes. For her, I have gratitude. Everything she touches, everything she does, all the words she brings to my ears - they all mean more to me than I can ever explain; and I've waited my whole life for them. I love that she is mine.

But then we will have these other days: I might feel indebted to her if she wipes my tears, breathes through my hurtful words and forgives me for them after. I could bring her flowers, or make her dinner - better yet, I could do both. And I could shower her with love and affection until she replaces my hurtful words with all of my kisses instead. I will dream of ways to be worthy of her; because for her, I feel in debt. Everything she touches, everything she does, all the words she brings to my ears - they all mean more to me than I can ever explain; they mean more than I can ever repay. I don't deserve her as I am now - I must be more.

Gratitude is the deep breath of fresh air that enters our lungs when we really appreciate a moment in time, and life itself. No question of your worth, this isn't about you - this is about the moment.

Indebtedness is appreciating something you aren't sure you deserve, and feel as if you need to find a way to earn that moment.

They took me in when no one else would

They said they loved me

They put clothes on my back

Gave me chores before and after school

They kept food in my belly—most of the time

They hit me when I was bad

They hit me when I wasn’t good enough

They ignored me when they were bored of me

But…

I owe them

I have to pay them back

They saved me from an unknown world

I feel Indebtedness

It was hot after toiling in the bitter sun

Face, hair, uniform covered in sweat and ash

Yet the fire kept burning

Sixteen hours fighting for the structure behind me

Burning flames twenty feet higher than the tallest trees

Body weary

Throat parched

A mission to be finished

Completely surrounded by fire, no units can get to us

Scared, but determined

Just keep the fire at bay

Tap on the shoulder

Canteen shoved into my hands

Cool liquid satisfying the desolation settling over me

I can keep going

We can save this house

I feel gratitude

We survived

So did the house

Gratitude is fake. It's thanking someone for holding the door for you, even though the minute you get there it is already closed. Still, you smile at them- faking an attempt to stroke their ego. That's why I only nod when I see strangers in hallways, a slight recognition so they know they exist. That's the thing- people always say to be honest, complementing your outfit even when you wear an ugly sweater, your makeup is smudged, or your pants are on inside out. I go out of my way not to do that, just to give people a taste or reality. Gratitude is superficial- it doesn't mean anything, and sugar coats every emotion.

But indebtedness- indebtedness is real. It is the tattered lining of your feather light purse, the fake nod you do to your boss at work, and the fraying edges of that six year old sweater you got before going to college. It is powerful. It is life changing. With indebtedness, you can bring the whole world to your knees.

Gratitude is the purest form of happiness. Letting the rays of someone else's love warm your face, or simply enjoying a twist of good fortune as it elevates your spirit. Gratitude requires nothing, costs nothing, and imbues the soul with joy. Gratitude is the feeling that poured over me when I saw my son's face for the first time, and I knew that we would both be all right. Nothing to repay - just the sense that I had been given an immeasurable gift.

Indebtedness is when the ink of guilt seeps into your gratitude, stains it darkly and drains it of joy. The pang of seeing one's own good fortune in stark contrast against the scarcity of others. Perhaps the receipt of a gift that came at too high a price. Or an unspoken loan with too steep of interest to ever truly be repaid. Often we are afflicted with it unintentionally - not through the will of others, but by our own demons. I was given a gift from my earliest youth, one that I can never repay. It has only been in recent days that I realized that I was never asked to. A gift is given freely, and cannot come with debt. Indebtedness is the torture of the mind that has not learned to accept freely, and simply love in return.