Alone

Sometimes, I feel like everyone, myself included, hates me. Sometimes, I feel like I will never be loved. Sometimes, I wish I had never existed. I’m not saying I’m suicidal or anything like that. I would never hurt myself. I just wish I had never been here in the first place. Forced to deal with things I hate on a daily basis. There are roughly four people who aren’t in my family who I am sure actually care about me and enjoy my presence. Everyone else, I am never sure about. There are about three people who I feel I can always go to talk about anything with. There are two people who I know I will love and who I know will love me for the rest of my life. There is one person who could never be mad at me, no matter what stupid decisions I make. There is one unconditional love in my life. One person who I could spend all day every day with. One person who helps me to forget all the imperfections in myself, my life, and the world in general.

I don’t know if everyone but the four previously mentioned really dislike me. I know that I overanalyze things a lot and convince myself of things that aren’t really there. I don’t think I will ever find out. I would never ask. I hate confrontation. I hate feeling like I’m making a big deal out of things even when they are a big deal. It makes me feel weak. It makes me feel annoying. I’m constantly telling myself I’m not good enough. I’m constantly picking out all the tiny things that make me unlikeable. I’m my greatest fault. I have tried to have a positive mindset, but it doesn’t seem to work. It makes me feel like I’m being selfish and self-absorbed. I would rather hate myself and make fun of myself than care for myself. I wish everyone was always upfront and honest. I wish I could read minds and find out what everyone really thinks of me. I would like to know for once who my real friends are. It would save me so much pain.

Why can’t I just allow myself to be happy? I find happiness in moments. In smiles. In laughter. But it never lasts. A few minutes later, I’m tearing myself down again. Your laugh is so loud. It’s really annoying. I hate your smile. That space between your front teeth is disgusting. To bad your parents can’t afford braces. Your hair is always so messy. Even straightening can’t control that disaster. Stop trying. Why can’t you understand that you just aren’t good enough? I wish I could leave myself alone. I need to get out of my own head. I live in my happy moments. I let them drag out as long as I possibly can. I know they will hurt me in the end, but sometimes, what you need hurts.