Why it hurts

I couldn’t tell anyone. Couldn’t talk about it. You were so different our situations inexplicable. No one knew how deep the veins of my feelings for you ran. No one knew how much you affected me or hurt me or scared me. My mind twisted and broke under the pressure of your expectations. Expectations I never met.

Now you’ve gone. You’ve left me. For reasons incomprehensibly stupid to me bc you didn’t know me at all. You didn’t understand me one bit. The hurt for those trangressions seeming so pointless because I didn’t mean any of what you thought I said. Or meant. Now in the throngs of this heartbreak I have no one to turn to. Because no one knew. Wracked with a storm of rage and hurt and agony I can’t even show. The tears so close to the surface these days from how deeply your words always affected me are perplexed and wondering I just don’t let them fall. What am I to do now? Any future that doesn’t involve you, pointless.

And the thing above all, I’m so certain you won’t miss me one bit. I fear that instead of feeling like I do, there is relief coursing through your veins. You’re free. Free to find another woman like the ones you’ve lost before me. Like the ones who’s names hurt me because I will never and could never be. Will you miss me? Please tell me you will.

Please tell me this pain will end. Please. Never speak to me again. Not unless there are words of love which you stopped expressing long ago. You made me feel unworthy of love. If I never recover. It will be because of you. You called me evil. Evil? Such a strong word for such a misunderstanding. Evil. Maybe it’s you who is evil.