You were the love of all the lifetimes. A never ending story that always, Always, ended in you. War, death, fire, Loss, you were who I searched for each rebirth...

When I found you again, you were different. As if the millions of lives we lived and lost together finally broke something in you that I was no longer Equipped to fix. I found you but you were lost. And you broke me. Oh, how you broke me. The only one willing to take on your fears and your tears but you wore me down and ground me to be smaller than you. No, even smaller than that... Why? I loved you.

I think of you now, in the middle of a vivid memory thats Reared it's head and I ache for you. I ache, as once again my heart... it breaks.

I can’t even begin to describe the emotions welling up in me as I think about all that was lost. We weren’t ever a good fit, you and I, but I still mourn the loss of us. Crazy, considering how damaging and toxic we both were to each other. But I can’t help think about you and feel an immense amount of sadness and pain where you used to be instead.

I see that, for whatever it’s worth you are presenting yourself as okay to this world. I know better than to hope that you truly are happy, but I do feel some relief seeing your strength continue to carry you on. I’m sorry it has mostly been on your own.

I love... loved (?) you, Alexander. I would never dare tell you this now. For even months removed, I’m still afraid of your anger. I know better now. It wasn’t truly me you were angry with, but my inability to meet and attend to your needs because I’m sorry, I never understood what they were. You never got the chance to learn how to be taken care of and you never had stable care your entire life. It isn’t your fault. I can also finally see it wasn’t mine either.

But it still hurts. I’m disappointed in myself for letting you down. I still struggle with my own worth and feel guilt for allowing you to waste so much time on me.

I’m learning to love and let go, but mostly I’m learning to forgive myself, and you. I never told you goodbye the way you deserved and we both treated each other unfairly. We became less than human with each other when we believed we were more. Our love wasn’t of this world, but I think because we didn’t have the capacity to love like we thought we did. We were children playing at adult games and we got burned and hurt.

This is how we learn. It’s Darwinian, it’s natural selection. We adapt. Or we die.

Thank you for the lessons, the love, and the pain. I’m sorry for it all.

I couldn’t tell anyone. Couldn’t talk about it. You were so different our situations inexplicable. No one knew how deep the veins of my feelings for you ran. No one knew how much you affected me or hurt me or scared me. My mind twisted and broke under the pressure of your expectations. Expectations I never met.

Now you’ve gone. You’ve left me. For reasons incomprehensibly stupid to me bc you didn’t know me at all. You didn’t understand me one bit. The hurt for those trangressions seeming so pointless because I didn’t mean any of what you thought I said. Or meant. Now in the throngs of this heartbreak I have no one to turn to. Because no one knew. Wracked with a storm of rage and hurt and agony I can’t even show. The tears so close to the surface these days from how deeply your words always affected me are perplexed and wondering I just don’t let them fall. What am I to do now? Any future that doesn’t involve you, pointless.

And the thing above all, I’m so certain you won’t miss me one bit. I fear that instead of feeling like I do, there is relief coursing through your veins. You’re free. Free to find another woman like the ones you’ve lost before me. Like the ones who’s names hurt me because I will never and could never be. Will you miss me? Please tell me you will.

Please tell me this pain will end. Please. Never speak to me again. Not unless there are words of love which you stopped expressing long ago. You made me feel unworthy of love. If I never recover. It will be because of you. You called me evil. Evil? Such a strong word for such a misunderstanding. Evil. Maybe it’s you who is evil.

So many forms it takes.

So many weapons it chooses.

The pain inflicted more real than reality.

The scars as visible as wrinkles and laugh lines.

The lungs don’t work.

The eyes don’t see.

The ears don’t hear.

Silence broken by the cries of the broken heart.

The rain pattered down through the leaves, drowning out the sound of her tears. She was alone. Curled under a tree with the largest bit of soft earth and cover she could find. Through the drops that covered her vision like a veil she looked across the forested clearing at the little pond that was now dancing and welcoming its friends with joy.

She breathed in the earthy scent of the damp ground she lay on. Covered though she was by the tree’s leaves, a few raindrops managed to find their way to her. They hid in her hair, touched her cheek, and seeped theirselves into her bones. She was cold. Still though, she’d rather be shivering, she thought, than beyond the world of the trees. She felt safe here. There was magic in these woods and in that magic she would find the healing her soul needed. If only I weren’t alone.

Immersed in the sound of the rain, she didn’t quite notice at first a new sound from the trees to her right. A deeper sound, audible above the rain, but just barely. A grumbling breath that warmed the air around it so the air steamed. He emerged from tree line, glowing eyes first, and approached the girl.

It was then she saw him. A wolf. Though he couldn’t have been an ordinary wolf. He towered above her, nearly as tall as the trees around him. His strength radiated from him, his teeth bared and she knew she ought to be afraid. Knew that this very well could be the last creature she encountered on this earth. He could tear her in half, he could outrun her, there was nothing to be done if he wanted her.

But she wasn’t scared. She was entranced. He was magnificent. He was the magic she felt around her. It emanated from him so powerfully she was surprised she wasn’t physically blown away. She hadn’t moved from her curled position on the floor. Cold seeped into her bones making it impossible to move but she stared up at the wolf. She wanted to stare as long as she could at him. She watched the wolf sniff, she imagined him inhaling her scent and soon he turned away. He moved beyond her line of sight and she tried to get up to see why he was suddenly leaving her. Unable to lift her head any longer she laid back down. His absence heavy in her heart. As she was about to close her eyes, she felt him. As large as he was, his movements were gentle. He came up behind her and laid down. She felt his fur behind her body and she slowly inched into his warmth. He nuzzled the top of her head with his nose and she knew she was safe. She rolled away from the rain, away from the outside world and breathed in the wolf beside her. Let the rain fall. This, this is where her soul belonged.