Harry Situation Reviews: Deadpool 2
Warning: This review contains a ton of foul language and vulgar terminology. If you are easily offended by any of this, you have my sincerest apologies.
Hey, hey, hey Prosers. It’s Deaaaaaadpoooool!
In case you haven’t noticed but my new movie just hit theaters, and I decided to come back and give my movie a proper review. I watched enough episodes of At the Movies With Siskel and Ebert to know how to do a review better than this twit.
Get ready now. I’m gonna spoil this whole fucking movie.
Continuing after the events of my first movie, I (played by soon to be Academy Award winner or nominee Ryan Reynolds) just learned that Darth Vader is my father, and that I need to drop the One Ring into the pits of Mount Doom. Suddenly, Cable (played by Thanos) travels back to the year 1985 in order to stop Sarah Conner from hooking up with Tom Hanks, who has aids in this movie too. Afterwards, Samuel L. Jackson recruits me to the Avengers, and then we’re sent to an island full of clone dinosaurs, where we meet Domino (played by a some chick I don’t know but is very sexily delicious). Oh! And Colossus and Negasonic Teenage Warhead are in this movie too, but baby aliens burst out of their chests. Haha, it looks like Colossus has a third boob. Later, we join forces through the power of friendship to fight this big CGI character, who may or may not be motion captured by Andy Serkis. Together, we made the biggest summer blockbuster until Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom hits theaters next weekend.
For positives, you have me as the lead character. I mean, why shouldn’t the camera be focused on me again. It’s my fucking movie, for fuck’s sake!
Now let’s talk about Why So Serious Cable. Josh Brolin, I don’t know if you’ve heard of him but he used to be part of the Goonies, yeah, he was great. He’s the ying to my yang. Or is that vice versa? Or is he the Ben Affleck to my Matt Damon? Sadly, I don’t know who I like the guy more as: Thanos or Cable. You see, Josh Brolin. This is why every actor is only allowed to portray a comic book character once in their life.
Domino finally makes an appearance in my movie. If you don’t know who the fuck that is, google it! But I can tell you for sure that she doesn’t look anything like her comic book counterpart, but that’s okay. I’m not some racist fanboy dipshit. I kill everybody equally.
Speaking of killing, lots of blood and gore that would make the directors of those Saw movies puke their lunches. This one’s not for the kiddies. Seriously, don’t take your fucking kids to see this movie. People did that in my last movie and now their innocent minds have been shattered. I’m surprised One Million Moms haven’t lost their shit over that.
You may have noticed that I’ve been making a shitload of references in this review. That’s because I got a shitload of references and jokes all for you fans of Ready Player One. I even got cameos of people! But I won’t say who they are.
Honestly, I’d like to talk more about my own movie but you should be going out to see it right now. We need to make more money than Avengers: Infinity War and Black Panther, and none of you are doing that by sitting on your asses and reading this review! Just be sure to shave your pubs because this movie goes balls deep!
Also, be sure to buy my autobiography on the making of both these movies. It has a introduction by Ryan Reynolds himself. Bye-bye now!
Positives:
-Me
-Grumpy Cable
-Big fucking explosions
-Domino’s body
-Colossus’ sweet ass
-All my wisecracking jokes
-Best CGI money can be spent on
-Me again
-All the references and fan service
-Best mid-credits scene ever!
Negatives:
-Sequels are never as good as the original
Final Grade: A+
(Harry Situation walks back into the room): WHAT THE F- Goddammit, not again!
Best Quote:
Cable: “Who are you?!”
Deadpool: “I’m Batman.”
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