And so I ran.

I loved you the moment I saw you.

I agonized over my feelings

for you

for years.

When we finally came together,

it was more than amazing,

it was unbelievable,

and it shook me to my very core.

I know I ran off,

and it was a shitty thing to do,

and I know you suffered because of it.

But please understand that I never

never

- not one second -

ever

meant to hurt you.

Please understand

that I was abused as a little girl,

and I had no sense of worth.

I didn’t think I was allowed,

that I was worthy,

of experiencing something so amazing.

It was the most intense feeling

I have ever felt

with another human being.

And I ran like hell in the opposite direction.

I ran away from what felt like perfection

because it honestly felt too good to be true.

I didn’t think I deserved anything close to that.

And so I ran,

back to a bad situation.

Back to someone

who truly didn’t deserve me.

Back to something

I thought was safe,

because I couldn’t grasp my

full amount

of feelings with you.

And so I ran.

And I allowed someone else

to tell me to stay away.

I took any excuse to not feel that anymore.

Because the thought of losing you, truly losing you,

if we had stayed together

scared the living shit out of me. Which is ironic,

because in being afraid of losing you,

I lost you, and I hurt you.

And I am so fucking sorry.