I loved you the moment I saw you.

I agonized over my feelings

for you

for years.

When we finally came together,

it was more than amazing,

it was unbelievable,

and it shook me to my very core.

I know I ran off,

and it was a shitty thing to do,

and I know you suffered because of it.

But please understand that I never

never

- not one second -

ever

meant to hurt you.

Please understand

that I was abused as a little girl,

and I had no sense of worth.

I didn’t think I was allowed,

that I was worthy,

of experiencing something so amazing.

It was the most intense feeling

I have ever felt

with another human being.

And I ran like hell in the opposite direction.

I ran away from what felt like perfection

because it honestly felt too good to be true.

I didn’t think I deserved anything close to that.

And so I ran,

back to a bad situation.

Back to someone

who truly didn’t deserve me.

Back to something

I thought was safe,

because I couldn’t grasp my

full amount

of feelings with you.

And so I ran.

And I allowed someone else

to tell me to stay away.

I took any excuse to not feel that anymore.

Because the thought of losing you, truly losing you,

if we had stayed together

scared the living shit out of me. Which is ironic,

because in being afraid of losing you,

I lost you, and I hurt you.

And I am so fucking sorry.

She was the one who showed me the marks. The impressions of fist upon skin. Her cries in the hollow midnight, against the crisp of winter, ached within my need to save. My burning, diseased need to take broken spirits, long-ago chipped and shattered, and be the mending torch to fix it. Her calls of pain and whispered torments served the mission for which my ego pleaded.

“Give me purpose,” I pleaded to God. “Bring my life to bear some meaning.” Her tears came and crashed into my bleak world, the empty cavern where my life was constructed. Her tears were nourishment to my inner hollowness I desired to fill.

I was the one that took his form, fragile and dull, and turned it to ash. I smeared his ashes upon my skin as I cried tears of hopefulness. I stomped his remains into the ground, returning him to merciful nothingness. Deep into the earthen void of soil, worms and decay.

I brought what was left of the monster, the last evidence of his existence. Instead of her, I found an empty living space, dark and cold. She was gone, no evidence of her bruises, tears and pleading cries. All was left were my own teeth, my own hands, and my own eyes.