So Google Emailed me...
This was the kind of email I normally send straight to the trash without opening, but this morning was different, and I had at the moment accidentally read the subject blipette.
It read: “Helen, You’re Not Using the latest google apps!”
Gasp! I thought with a flash.
This was not the gasp of someone sad at their archaic application of phone applications; no. This gasp was more similar to the one of a true ladys shrill shreak at the intrusive asshole stealing a peek at her bare snatch when the Tom shit-bag for a peep had the gall to bardge right into her bathroom through the door.
I picture her as me, clutching her shower curtain with a scream and hurriedly hugging the thing to cover herself and the details of her fun bits. I metaphorically felt this but it fucked with me that google had to put that kind of thing in print, why the correspondence?
I decided to have some fun and chose to respond with a gushing and gruesome comparative depiction of the afflicted mental condition this type of invasive solicitation solicited from me. Thought I would shareshare, so here it is but be warned! It’s not Pretty...
Dear Google,
I do not need those and quite frankly i use enough google in my life to where every time i see your company trying to force me into another application it makes me wish I didnt use the applications i do use from you.
I mean anything to get away from the digital rape. Youre like a drunk frat guy at a party who wont take no for an answer. You could make a roogle app; imagine a digital roofie that will make users unable to digress from participating in your new offers and then you can be enterprizing and charge them for their digital therapy theyll need for the rest of their lives! How about you charge monthly fees to have a therapy app assistant they can subscribe to when they need to get out how powerless they felt when the applications you assert had their ios wide open and the no button wasnt enough and essentially unclickable, not to mention those 3rd party allowances. They could do surveys assessing those times the “accept terms button” clicked itself before they could choose, and they can relive the data blowing its milky download balls deep into their cloud (because you werent even polite enough to only stain their onboard memory, you had to have their whole online selves). Then you can set reminders! Reminders Just in case every time they use their phones (since that moment) the stain of the loss of their freedom dripping down in imagined globs on their poorly produced plastic screens isnt enough. Those globs reminding users of the repeated terror when Google PLAYed with them despite their screams. The reminders reminding chime paired with the viscous glob illusions would stop them forgetting the bloody stain left where their freedom used to be. That smudge smeared where they lay as it all took place. They could only view the HKEY/LocalUserAccount/Freedom.readme files, but, like sense memory the current user would be unable to Run:Freedom.exe or execute/freedom_apk. To remember would be the only granted permissions, and as an amputee knows what his toes felt like before they were taken; it is similarly that the crimson stain will be clear. Have their dropbox ready for the crying selfies so they can tap into their feels from any device, and the therapy assistant app will lend them the ear.I can see it now; Your Roogies App could be part of your cookies for all your apps! Itd be like the real drug roofies because cookies are a food thats drugable and frequently consumed without thought, and digitally cookies are like platforms sustinence and required for a program to be palatable.
The posibilities are endless i dare say, similar to your terms of service. Only difference is that possibilities are a choice if youd like to pay them mind but ignoring your googley grip cannot be stopped, not even by alt f4.
That said i will state that you are correct and will continue to be when ascertaining that im opting out of using your new shit. ill keep my eye out for when you port it through anyways though and
I expect an invitation to beta, naturally!
-sincerely
Your Nonconsentual Customer
#mymorningwithoutcoffeeordigitallube