Exploding on the 4th of July

Unfortunately, this isn't about fireworks. My relationship with my boyfriend had always been tumultuous. Lately, though, the resentments stacked upon distrust and blanketed with fear had become too much for me to handle. The relationship was at its one year mark, and I decided, sink or swim, it was time to meet my family. I could use their opinion, and our 4th of July barbecue seemed the perfect occasion for a multitude of reasons. The location was my Aunt and Uncle's house, a two and half hour drive from Philly.

My daughter had been staying with my older sister in North Jersey. We were going to rendezvous at the barbecue and I was going to take her home from there. My oldest son decided not go for reasons too extensive to explain in this narrative and irrelevant to the point of the story. My youngest son was with his father for the holiday. Non-negotiable, like everything else with his father.

When I informed my daughter that I invited my boyfriend and he was riding back with us, she said that made her uncomfortable. She didn't want to be alone in the car with us. Her bedroom is next to mine, so she is the only one who has really been subject to some of our louder moments of discord. So I said, fine, I will not bring him.

Well, this was entirely unacceptable to my boyfriend. He became very upset and decried the callousness of my decision to choose my daughter's feelings over his. He asked to strike a deal, how about if he took the bus home from my Aunt and Uncle's house so she wouldn't have to be alone with us and he could still attend the barbecue. I shot her a text to see if this compromise was acceptable, and in the meantime, I confirmed with him that he was really willing to take a bus back.

He stated that he takes the bus from DC frequently enough, and it would be fine. He found that the latest bus to leave was 8:30 p.m., and considering the barbecue started at 5:00, I again confirmed this was his desire as it meant he would spend more time in transit than actually at the party. My daughter texted back she was fine with him coming if she didn't have to ride home with him, and I again confirmed this was what he wanted to do with his holiday. Meet my family and spend hours in transit instead of hanging out with his family and basically having zero drama.

I didn't speak this fear at the time (and I most certainly should have), but I worried that I was going to be put into the position, once we were there, of bringing him home with us. I didn't want my daughter or me to be emotionally manipulated once we were there, like can't he just have a ride back we were being unreasonable it's so far, the bus is uncomfortable, etc., etc.

With much trepidation (on my part) we embarked on the journey. The ride down was not remarkable. We arrived at the party and he was ill received by my parents, which was to be expected, and then we sort of parted ways for a while as I caught up with my daughter, niece and nephew, cousins, etc., etc. He hung out in the kitchen mostly (because food).

Around 7:30 p.m. we were sitting next to each other at the dining table. One of us made a comment about getting to the bus station in the near future. A few moments later, he asked for the key to the car. I gave it to him, he went out the door and I turned my full attention to the dance competition my niece and nephew and little cousins had orchestrated. After a while, I realized he had never come back inside and I went out. At this point it's around 8:00 p.m. He said we should get to the bus station. I queried as to whether he was going to say goodbye to anyone, he said there wasn't time, and I went back inside to grab my phone and let people know I was going to be gone for a few minutes.

The bus station was four tenths of a mile from my Aunt and Uncle's house. A few stop signs into the trip, he says he doesn't think we're going to make it in time and can't he just ride home with us. Well, I went from zero to rage in the blink of an eye. I had been holding this fear in all this time that I would be put in this position, and, unbelievably to me, here I was. I hardly remember what I was saying but whatever it was, it was loud. He looked at me, incredulous, and said to let him out of the car. I was still on my rage rant, but at this point we are around the corner from the bus station. I said I would just take him and see if he can still catch the bus but, admittedly, I was yelling when I said it. He jumped out of the car at the stop sign. I yelled after him, you are making this decision to walk away right now. He kept walking.

So here's the inside scoop. As a child, teenager, young adult...all of them...my feelings and opinions were ignored by parents. As a result, I learned my feelings didn't matter over someone I loved or who was in a position of authority. Throughout my adult life, this default "understanding" of myself and my place in the world has caused me nothing but physical, emotional and spiritual harm. I absolutely refuse to do that to my daughter. Her feelings of comfort, especially around an adult male she hardly knows, have to take precedent over said adult male. Period.

Should I have expressed all of these things to my boyfriend? Absolutely. Should I have allowed him to come? I am thinking no, I shouldn't have. Should we have broken-up over the incident? Doesn't really matter, we did.

I don't remember being quite that angry in quite a long time. Was it disproportionate to the offense? On its face, yes, it absolutely was. Should I have taken some deep breaths before responding? Um, yes, I was admittedly out of control. In my defense, I had recently stopped drinking (my normal coping mechanism), and I had spent the last few hours with my family (a trigger requiring the engagement of coping mechanisms), and I already had played this whole scenario out in my head. By internalizing my fear instead of discussing it, I allowed this situation to unfold the way that it did. Mea culpa.

My takeaway from this experience is that if I allow my fears to fester internally, I will lose control of my rational response in the face of the manifestation of that fear. My other takeway? I suck at relationships.

Thanks @tmakovic for this challenge. Apparently I needed to process incident this further.