Fingered - The Joke is On Me

You don’t know me but my name is Jimmy Fingers. Why am I known as ‘Fingers’ you ask? I may not be the sharpest crayon in the box but my fingers are magic. I can open any safe in the world with my nimble, highly skilled fingers. I may not be smart at book learning but I mastered this skill from my Daddy who is serving fourteen more years.

In fact, I was on my way to meet Johnny Bananas at Moe’s the day it all happened! Why was he nicknamed ‘Bananas’ your enquiring mind might want to know? Well, he has the largest …. well, you don’t really want to know that, do you?

There I was, getting out of my car across the street from Moe’s in the pouring rain, when it happened. Lightning coursed through my body in a searing jolt, going through my shoulder and leaving through my left foot. When I regained consciousness, I was in a hospital bed with a team of neurologists discussing my prognosis. And the funny thing was, I understood every word of medical terminology they were spouting. In fact, I could probably run circles around them in smarts. But I didn’t let on about this amazing phenomenon, because it served my purpose to still be thought of as good old, plodding Jimmy Fingers.

Once I recovered, I felt like my brain was whirling in circles with all kinds of nefarious schemes, all struggling to get out. A rainbow of possibilities had opened up to me. I just had to learn how to channel this new found energy to perfect the skills I already had. Why not put it to good use? So I called up Bananas to arrange a meeting.

I had always wanted to crack the safe at Mason’s Jewelers but had previously thought I would be unable to get around their security systems. Well, Bananas had access to the schematics for the entire strip mall and now I had the brains to dismantle their surveillance. We cut the wire to the shop next door and went in through the ceiling panels. Quickly, I found their burglar alarm , taking it out of commission and smashing their mounted cameras. Rolling up my sleeves, I tackled their safe. I used my magic fingers to go through the usual routine – rotating the dial to the left until it hit the first groove, then into the next locked groove and then to the right. But it didn’t work! I couldn’t believe it! I rotated the dials backward and forward until my fingers were numb but it was no use! Just as I was realizing that the lightning strike had fried my fingers, I heard “Put your hands behind your backs and lay on the ground.” It looked like the entire police force of our ‘burb’ was surrounding us. Well, I don’t argue with guns and the next thing you know, Bananas and I were locked up in the same penitentiary where my Daddy was. It was like a family reunion. Even Uncle Whack Whack was there! (Guess how he got his name!)

Well, now I am known as the jailhouse lawyer, helping other cons with understanding the loopholes of the law, studying briefs and legal avenues. I am going to be here for a long time so I might as well put my intelligence to a good use.

“You’re the smartest person in the prison,” the inmates chorus.

“Yeah, well, I’m the smartest person in the whole world but little good that did me!”