Complicated Feelings

If hearts could be hidden.... perhaps I'd hide mine and bury it deep.

why?

because of these complicated feelings towards you.

I’ve known you for almost two years. We were merely casual friends but now we’re closer. We were talking about high school, just a casual conversation. You mentioned being “fascinated by technology and space”, ever since 4th grade you said. Then I started to wonder. Did you look up at the stars one night and wonder what lay beyond them? Or perhaps were you entranced by their shine or their endless numbers? Or were you sitting in class one day, maybe school had never interested you, but then your teacher began to talk about space. Maybe then something sparked your interest. Maybe then you sat up straight in your chair, maybe even leaned in a little to listen. Perhaps space was so vast and infinite and beautiful to you. Or maybe everything school related had always come easy to you, because I know you’re very smart, and then you learned about space, and had so many questions that it intrigued you. You just wanted to know more and more about it and it simply fascinated you as you said before.

But then I got to wondering, I didn’t know you liked space, what else don’t I know about you? It really only made me more curious about you than I already was. I want to ask you about everything, know your dreams, your aspirations, your fears. I want to know if there’s anything that you guard with your heart. I suddenly just want to know everything about you. Even the small things. You told me stories of your life, small details things that maybe other people don’t know. But when you told me these stories I would feel special and closer to you. Because when you told it I felt you. The genuine, raw you, your many layers of mystery uncovering themselves, even if just for a second. Your face lit up a little as you told it. Because this story was a different side of you, not the crazy outgoing side I always saw. But perhaps a more gentle and caring you in the stories.

There’s many mysteries to you now that I think about it. I just wish I could work up the courage to ask you about it and just know more about you. I’ve always been intrigued by you. Right from day one when I approached you and simply asked you how you were doing. Ever since then you pulled in my attention. As time went on I tried to convince myself that I didn’t like you, that I wasn’t falling for you. So I talked to other guys but none of them struck my interest like you did. Not in this way. Because with others I could talk with them and find out more about them but there was just something about you that was different. And I just couldn’t figure you out. Half a year passed and I couldn’t deny anything any longer. A couple months passed without seeing you and I tried to rid my mind of you but I just couldn’t. We’d text occasionally and I tried to think nothing of it. I knew when I saw you after all that time though, I knew then that I couldn’t help it and I had indeed fallen for you. I had asked how your summer had gone, we had a short conversation but my heart had never felt like this before.

I’ve had crushes before. But not like this. This isn’t just a crush, I think it’s something more and I really hate that. I don’t know how to deal with these emotions. I know in the end you’ll break my heart. I know that my ideas and delusions are simply my wild imagination, about to get me trouble, and just hurt myself. I don’t know what to do. I know we’re better as friends is it wrong of me to want something more? To wish for a chance, to wish that we could be a thing? Something beautiful i hoped. I don’t know what to make of these feelings, I want to tell someone and I so desperately want advice. I’m so conflicted i dont know if i want you back or if this is just some sort of after feeling that I’ll get over, I just dont know. I wish i could muster the courage to get it out, these feelings are building up inside of me. I dont even know what i feel anymore. I just wanna let it out. But i dont know how this time. I can usually talk about things easily, why is it so hard this time?

Why are feelings so hard? I just want a straight answer but at the same time im so fucking scared of that answer because i know that if i am really in love with you then I know im screwed. Because i know you’ll only break my heart in the end. But what can i do? Perhaps this will be a lesson for this heart of mine. Maybe that way I’ll tread more carefully and perhaps not fall for someone like this again. I just want to let go of you. And i cant. And that angers me so much. I hate you and i like you a lot you make my heart flutter and your stupid smile makes me smile and i hate that. So you see, who could I even tell about this? I just sound so petty. I probably am being petty i dont know. I dont know anything anymore.

so that is why

why my heart would be hidden