reaching out

.

scars have the strange power

to remind us that our past is real

- Cormac McCarthy

The hospital, early morning.

2 days later.

A memory slowly breaks through my beaten-up mind as the soles of my shoes scrape lightly against the linoleum floors, fluorescent lights showing of my tired complexion. Without much power left to block it, the scene starts to play out in my head as if it’s all happening now and not two nights before. It’s like filtering through time, reliving every word and sensation.

I see myself walking out of the bar through the back entrance, the door closing behind me, sounds of music, and shouts subsiding. I almost feel the chill of Autumn in my bones, clouds of warm air escaping my mouth as I watch my body from far away. And then I hear it; a sound of a phone connection disturbing the dark night after my fingers dial up a familiar number, voice loud and clear, the memory of it ringing in my ears.

“I need to explain to you what’s been going on with me, face to face because there is no other way I can do it. And if you won’t let me in, I’ll understand that, it’s what I deserve anyway”.

The scene keeps playing out in my head as my senses let me know that I’m not really there. The sounds of the hospital breaking through the images that fill my thoughts.

I watch as I end the call and slip the phone back into my pocket. The cold air moves around me, stinging my skin but not affecting me much. I feel numb and a bit terrified of what I was going to do, of the confrontation that awaited me. More scared than when I lied on the floor of the old house, raving in pain, and waiting for the end, clawing my way out of this world.

Something sinks in my chest at the thought of that moment. I felt extra vulnerable then, exposed. That day at Phil’s bar, when I just hang out there a couple of hours getting familiar again with my list of new responsibilities, I left her a message on the voice mail. The hour was late, and the possibility that she was still awake and that she would pick up were close to zero. It was the way I preferred it. If she answered the call, I might not have said a word and just hang up after a prolonged silence. So, I chose this hour on purpose, a sort of a compromise with myself in the hope that I wouldn’t chicken out at the last second. Maybe I was being childish about it, but I had already lost so much in my life, I didn’t want to lose even more. I just couldn’t.

Not long after, I came back inside the bar just to hear the sounds of the karaoke machine waking up to life, the first people already choosing their favorites. I was groaning, trying not to remember the time when my attitude brought me to the top of the bar, hips swaying to the first tones of ABBA’s classical number. Give me a man after midnight roaring from the speakers with full blast. It was one of those precious moments when you wish you actually had blacked out. Especially when you can’t carry even one tune without luring all the neighborhood cats in, possible sounds of glass breaking on their way. But the music that played that day was loud, and by that time people didn’t care much anyway. An attractive girl on the bar making a fool out of herself worked just fine for the entertainment part any night.

_____

My thoughts are a bit hazy as I walk up to him, gazing at his face and slowly regaining my focus, a lot of things roaming around in my tired brain and not just that memory. It’s been a long night and an even longer shift, my first one this week. It happened faster than I thought, getting back to the job at the bar but as soon as I finished talking to Gloria, I was determined to push my life forward whatever was left from it, even if just for now. I’ve been very persistent with Phil about the fact that I’m working there if he likes it or not, not really playing with my charms but with the demanding part of me that normally didn’t show off too much as I wasn’t a big fan of people in general. Though my newly regained boss wasn’t really fighting me on it, rather all too willing just to see me shut up. “Oh, just start the damn job already, you’ll do as you want anyway.” My head shakes as I return to the present, a smile still lingering on my lips.

Hey, you. I came to be restored and fully energized, so oil up this rusty tin woman with your tender greasy touch.

He’s writing something down lost in thought as my words break through to him gradually, looking up at me from the front of the reception desk, eyebrows slightly lifted while a young nurse in her early 20′s, looks up as well, evidently intrigued by what she hears. She’s sitting next to a computer, typing something without much enthusiasm, but more awake after hearing me speak. I send her a calm stare and she pretends to be busy with some patients’ cards that she fixes into a neat stack, tapping it against the countertop for effect. I try not to roll my eyes and turn my attention back to him.

So, do you have some spare time? Because I’m reporting to you as promised. All poised and behaving, just like a trained dog waiting for a treat from her master.

A smirk spreads on my lips as I gaze at the nurse while she pretends to be oblivious to the conversation, yet I know that she heard me loud and clear. My head turns back to Charlie, who sends me a very stern, patronizing expression. My shoulders shrug automatically. What? I was only human here, with all my bad attitude and behavior issues. It was a part of my nature that I could never resist or stop, not that I ever wanted to.

I’m glad that you came, you definitely need the medical attention with your condition, even at such hours. Then again, it’s a hospital, nothing new that we haven’t seemed here before. Right, Cortney?

He turns around to the girl, with a gentle smile and she clears her throat, nodding but not saying anything. She takes a plastic chart with her and rushes out, suddenly terribly busy, her long brown hair that’s neatly tied back jumping from side to side.

Will she come back, or did we scare her away for good?

She’s will be back, just checking out on a new patient at the end of the hall. I’m here, so she can do that. As long as someone is on the reception than it’s not a problem. We take shifts at this early hour, besides, it’s far less busy now.

I look around at the quiet space around me, only with the sounds of machines and voices occasionally calling out through the speakers, interrupting the steady silence. Just a few patients and nurses passing us by.

Mmm, yes.

He gazes at me slowly, then looks around carefully, judging how much audience we have as an older lady stares at him in her long pink gown and coughs a bit, dealing with a misbehaving IV stand as she tries to fish out something from her bag.

I have some spare time.

He says almost in a whisper and holds my wrist, his thumb rubbing against my skin. I try not to think how good that feels, or that the warm he sends through my skin seems to cause more things to me than before. Such comfort and safety, as if nothing else bad could happen to me. I wasn’t used to such feelings - I think as a low sigh of relief escapes my throat, the heightened sounds in my head calming down, a gentle glow spreading under my skin. His hand hesitantly let’s go of mine and I open my eyes. He didn’t want to let go. Always the caregiver and protector. My lungs expand as another sigh leaves my lungs, but this time it speaks of exhaustion. The first shift since I last worked at the bar, which was not including the helping-out transaction that I did there almost three days before, was really kicking in. This wasn’t the same body that is was just a year ago, this body had demons to fight with, my batteries slowly running out. Once again, my head shakes, mind refusing to linger in the darker thoughts and drifting back to him as if instinctively turning my face to the sun.

Why are you a nurse and not a doctor?

He looks up at me again, with a funny expression shifting his features. My hands lift up in surrender.

Hey, hey. I didn’t mean that neither in a bad or a good way. I’m simply curious, promise.

My gaze is calm as my eyes follow his. There was no double meaning in my question. My voice somehow turns softer when I speak.

I just want to know more about your life.

He nods at me slowly, something flickering in his eyes.

There isn’t that much to tell.

Well, I still want to listen.

Another nod and a little smile as he relaxes, opening up to me about things I didn’t know but really wanted to. Even if a part of me still fought with it, because why get too attached, you only get hurt in teh end. And yet, here I was, asking anyway, my life forever intertwined with his, no matter what would happen to me later. I watch as he leans in on the countertop and looks ahead and not really at me.

Because being a doctor is a very expensive profession, Nora.

I hear him sigh but don’t comment as to not interrupt him in case he would change his mind.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound harsh. It’s just that it wasn’t always that simple in my life. Or maybe it never was but got more stable over time, the support of the people that care about me helping a lot in that. When I was in college, my family didn’t have much money, so even the classes I had and the payments for the next semesters were a struggle. But I worked at two jobs, so it wasn’t that bad, just exhausting a bit.

The corners of his lips move up and I notice a fade smile come up as it is evident that he is remembering something from his past that he held dearly. Like looking at sunrays filtering through thick clouds.

My grandmother had chipped in for nursing classes for me, even though I protested. My family wasn’t even aware that she had extra cash stocked away somewhere, only that she respected the value of money and had some small savings hidden away for a darker hour. She surprised me and wouldn’t take a no for an answer.

She sounds like a great person to have in your life.

My voice is still low as to not stop the flow of words coming from him, even though my mind told me he would finish what he started.

She is, very much so. My family doesn’t have any financial difficulties now, and they also helped me rent my flat, which later I decided to take a loan on, wanting it to be just mine. It will take me many years to pay it off, but having Robert around now helps with the payments. He’s a good brother, even with all his personality perks, and disgusting habits... like some I know.

He turns his head to finally look at me. I smile at him with warmth.

Thanks for answering the question.

Not a problem. Speaking of questions. How was your first night shift in months?

I groan at him and it causes his smile to spread rapidly.

There was bound to be a payback for this. Mmm, I both loved it and it kicked me off my feet, to the point where I don’t even know if I am standing right now or laying on the ground.

You’re standing, but barely from what I see.

He says, amused and once again my thoughts jump to last night. To the voice message I left, to the things, I still had to do. And before I can stop it, the images fill my mind while I try to keep my facial expression neutral. It happens more calmly this time, but something inside still rushes me forward, making sure I won’t back out this time. The old lady from before passes us as I snap back to life, her slippers making very distinct noises in the otherwise quiet surroundings.

Go for it, child. It’s obvious, that he likes you.

My eyebrows scrunch together, a bit surprised by her words as I notice that somewhere along the way I changed my position, leaning against the counter, much closer to him, almost bumping into his shoulder. I stare at her amused as she turns back to look at me.

Take your chance while you’re still young and don’t need to catch your breath every five steps. I will tell you, being old is such a pain in the royal queen’s ass. I should know, seen her on my honeymoon before Richard Nixon had a chance to even put a tail between his skinny legs after that blowout in his so-called political carrier. Talk about some shady waters*.

The innocent-looking and white her woman, in a very pink nightgown, chuckles and slowly disappears into a nearby bathroom. I gaze at Charlie, wide-eyed and burst out laughing, barely catching my breath.

Is this how your every morning shift looks like? Wow, I should come more often at this hour and bring snacks, and speaking off.

He looks at me, smiling. A little blush that I haven’t seen before subsiding now, my eyebrows raised at the sight.

I can’t leave the reception desk, sorry.

He extends his hands as if apologizing and I shake my head. I dig into my bag and throw a white paper bag on the counter. He looks at me curiously and opens it, a small smile creeping on his face.

Donuts?

Twelve of them, different kinds.

And we will eat all of those?

Oh no, I would say half of it, rest is for my special female friends. After all, I earn money now and can allow myself to go big.

Now his head shakes as he pulls out sugar-glazed donut with pink sprinkles, his eyebrow lifting.

Go big, huh?

I reach my hand into the bag and stuff my mouth shamelessly with a chocolate-covered version of heaven, ignoring the mild sarcasm, too familiar with that language to be bothered by it.

Yes, I went all the way in my beautiful and spoiled unhealthy ways.

That would sound better if the food wasn’t falling out of your mouth.

He dusts off some tiny crumbs from the desk and smiles at me. It’s my turn to act patronizing.

I don’t waste food, my scrubs wearing master. I would have got that, but you beat me to it.

You’re a disgusting creature sometimes.

He grins at me and I shrug.

I do my best to keep my company entertained.

My smile darkens as I make a little show and bow low, thinking of Scarlet Ohara and Red Butler, imagining at plenty of green velvet covering my silhouette. That kind of dress would sure make an impression on mister sweet care and smugness. Oh, how I would love to see that expression and make a mental picture, then blow it up and cover my living room wall with it. Suddenly, the smile sinks a bit as I think of the dress and of the clothes that still hang on me too loosely. He notices the change of mood and gazes at me questioningly.

What’s wrong? What were you thinking just now?

That velvet doesn’t like bony features.

Uhm... sorry, what?

I need to fill up, and food is the answer.

He gazes at me as I stuff my mouth with another donut with sprinkles, my low mood slowly evaporating.

Do you want to top that off with a burger and a double order of fries, washing it down with a strawberry milkshake?

Charlie, not so many sweet words at once, or I will be all over you just like the rest of the staff here, both male and female alike.

He groans at me and rearranges some papers, his stare falling to his watch, eyebrows furrowing.

Nora, I need to work. I’m going to wait until Cortney returns and then head for the morning staff meeting that should start in 20 minutes.

My hands lift in surrender.

By all means, I can handle myself and my stomach just fine, been doing it for years.

Will you be alright?

Charlie.

My hand reaches his, covering it lightly as he holds some documents in it, his eyes meeting mine.

Nothing bad is going to happen, trust me. I will get some takeout on my way home, relax, and then sleep for a long, long time. It’s what I’m good at, a high notch licensed procrastinator, you know that about me.

My fingers slip from his as I shove both of my hands into the pockets of my black jeans picked especially for working purposes, a black t-shirt to match under the jacket I was wearing. He sighs but nods, agreeing.

I worry about you, Nora. That’s all, just the way I’m build.

Mmm, true. And I appreciate it, but right now I’m leaving as my sarcastic persona does not take well any emotional vibes. It makes me stand in flames, just like in church when I was a kid.

I nod with all seriousness as he watches me, mouth already starting to open, which I ignore completely.

My mum did always hate when I turned to ash the Sunday dresses she bought me.

My steps sound loud as I leave the hospital, feeling his amused stare on my back as I smile to myself. I really liked that man, not only a savior but also my steady ground, a warm breeze when all I felt was cold. I wish that one day, I can repay him for all of his kindness, he deserves it more than anyone it the world.

_________

*The Watergate scandal was a political scandal in the United States involving the administration of U.S. President Richard Nixon from 1972 to 1974 that led to Nixon’s resignation.

https://theprose.com/post/230936/with-all-my-senses

(chapter 1 )

Previous 3 chapters :

25. https://theprose.com/post/326382/the-ones-that-shape-us

26. https://theprose.com/post/335596/finding-steady-footing

27. https://theprose.com/post/340650/when-the-dust-settles

And thank you to everyone that still wants to know more about Eleonore and her story ;)