The Elusiveness of Happiness

I don't remember much of my childhood, though I was told I was happy. I don't remember that feeling. All I remember is the pain.

I vaguely remember my younger self. The middle school me staining her pillow with the tears. Too depressed to continue with life, too cowardly to end it. Laying in bed completely paralyzed by the anguish.

I remember a little more of my high school years. My soul crushed under the weight of expectations. Always doing everything to please the rest of the world. I so desparately want the expectations to be replaced by fulfillment. I can never quite grasp it, no matter how I try.

My wings began to sprout in college. I continue to struggle, though at least I've begun to taste some freedom. I began to find small things that I can call my very own. But there's still a gnawing inside of me. A small voice telling me that there has to be more to life than just trying to survive one more day.

I am finally free of college. Only a few close friends believe I would finish strong enough to see graduation. Now what? I've done everything I'm supposed to do. I'm now done with all my schooling. My whole life is still ahead of me. Maybe now I can find some fulfillment?

I begin to take on a career. Some jobs are just a temporary resume booster. Others I take as a mere form of paying the rent. How is it that in all your years as a student, one ever tells you just how hard it is to keep a roof over your head? The bills are piling up and I have no idea how I can keep up.

I finally begin to build a career. The bills are daunting, but at least there's always food on the table. I am no longer struggling to survive. I can finally begin to find small ways to treat myself. Everything still feels so hollow. When will that feeling go away?

I am finally stable. The bills are being paid. I find a place I can finally call home. A job that will not vanish as quickly as it came. Why is it that I still don't feel happy? This should be enough, it only took me nearly 3 decades to achieve it after all. But it's not. I am not unhappy, merely numb. Stuck in an emotional purgatory.

Maybe I'm just not meant to experience true joy. I've spent a lifetime trying to find some small sliver of happiness. Why can I still find no evidence it exists? Maybe I'm just meant to spend my whole life being numb. Maybe this is as good as my life will get. Forever stuck in this emotional purgatory.