Jack (though we called him JJ)

I laugh as JJ tells me a joke, he grins, though I hadn’t learned yet to look at the eyes, not the mouth when someone smiles. Eyes can’t lie. I hadn’t notices the small tremble in his lip, or the tears that were unbidden to fall in his eyes. He said he had a doctor’s appointment as he left, and, jokingly, I said, “Don’t let the Doc’s hand slip!” We were in fourth grade, and my humour was dark. I meant don’t let the doctor kill him. As JJ heard that, he froze for a second, then continued walking. I assumed he was scared and I made him more nervous. There was no doctor appointment. I know that now. He never came back.

After school, I went to his house and knocked. His mum opened the door, her eyes crinkling at the edge as she smiled and waved me in. “He’s in his room. Have fun!”

As soon as I walked in, I knew something was wrong. He wasn’t sitting on his bed like usual. I saw something hanging, and thought he just tied his shoes up or something... I was wrong. I looked up and screamed. Now I know it had just happened when I walked in- his face was still flush, red because of the rope cutting off his oxygen. The chair is forgotten, kicked over by his dangling legs. His parents run in, his dad still in his work clothes. His mum... She fell to her knees in front of him, grief clear on her face. His dad ran to get a knife to cut him down, yelling about how he’s still alive, how he needs him to be alive. I was just... Numb. In shock. The crying didn’t start until I had walked out, a good block or two away from his house. One from mine. It didn’t stop until it got dark. My mum never knew what happened to JJ, and she never will. Looking back, I realize how many clues he left, Like a cry for help. I just wasn’t looking. It’s hard to believe when a friend that seems so happy ends up like... ends up bottling all their other emotions until it’s too much...

Please do not bottle it up. Tell someone. Anyone. A parent. A guardian. A teacher. A sibling. A dog. A cat. A pet. Some stranger on social media. Me. A friend. Just...anyone you trust. Sorry for this, but hey, @spurtsofdark said to be vulnerable. Some of my closest friend I just got on here haven’t even heard the whole story... This isn’t the full story either. I may be in for an earful next time I see my friends... Sorry B and B, please don’t yell my ears off when I see ya.... Heh.

P.S, Chack, I said I’d call you Jack because it is similar, I do not connect you and JJ in any way so please don’t mind that. If you are not okay with that name now, I’ll think of another one.