Adaptation of ‘Just Breathe’ by SaffiyaSmith
I hate these days.
Where breathing means I'm still alive.
Where the act of taking in a single breath of air means that I'm too much of a coward to end it.
But maybe - maybe just maybe - if I stay here, behind my walls, quieter than a mouse, stiller than a rabbit in a grass, nobody will notice the thoughts. If I don't disturb the water - if I don't touch over there - maybe I won't cry on the bus. Maybe I won't break down in front of everybody I swore I wouldn't break down in front of.
Maybe if I did better, felt better, got better grades, got a better sleep schedule, woke up at a reasonable time - maybe if I stopped daydreaming, maybe if I actually did my work - then I could breath. Then every breath wouldn't be painful, every breath wouldn't be my silent scream, my desperate voiceless cry of pain.
Maybe if I was a better person -
Maybe if I just stopped.
But I can't - but I want to - and the divide is painful. I want to continue living - life is beautiful, life is pain, but the pain is what makes life so beautiful - but if I stopped.
There would be no pain. No beauty, no pain.
And I want to stop thinking - God that is my curse. To be given a brain so constantly analysing everything it delights in psychoanalysing itself to sickness, where my only redemption is to become addicted to becoming other people and living other lives, just to escape the infinite barrage of thoughts.
I don't stop, I can't stop, but I want to stop.
You sensed it was a bad day.
It didn't take more than thirty seconds.
I'll never understand how you did that.
It's like you're watching me in a way no one has ever before.
You made my day better.
You didn't leave me -
Every time you saw me
You gave me a hug.
In front of your friends
In front of mine
In form time.
You made me feel watched.
You gave me the ability to breathe.
Yes you made me cry with your song choice
Don't ever play something like 'You will be found'
I don't care what my mood is,
I will cry
I will fall
I will break
But that day - you made it okay.
You made it okay for me to have emotions.
You made it okay for me to be overwhelmed.
You made me breathe.
You gave me the distraction I couldn't give myself.
You gave me the chance to breathe
And for it not to feel like a death sentence.
And it's not that I can't breathe without you
(I was far too independent before I met you for that to ever be an option)
It's just that you make breathing easier.
More fun.
(Yes I could probably blame you for my horrendous sleep schedule)
But I don't care.
'And without you I am still here -
I am far too stubborn to go'
That is what I wish I could say, at least.
Without you I wouldn't be here -
That I can say for sure.
Because my sheer stubborness and determination can only last for so long,
And you have that sweet little habit
Of knowing when I'm trying not to fall apart
And just pausing when I go silent because I'm blinking back the tears
Because I don't cry in front of anyone.
I don't have feelings in front of anyone.
I don't talk to anyone.
(About anything serious anyway)
But I can fall apart in front of you
And you can put me back together
Just by your presence.
I don't know what I'd do without you.
At the minute, I might survive?
But I doubt it.
I'd fall.
I'd fall and there'd be no one here who knew me well enough to pick up the pieces.
...
(Apologies I have no idea what this turned into, I think I ended up just taking one of your poems @SaffiyaSmith - which are great, by the way - and slotting it into one of my worst days recently. Sorry about that.)