I wish you knew how much I wanted to talk to you right now.

And you should know I've never tried to use you but you're the only one that I feel like has loved me, truly.

After all that's happened, after all we've been through, I feel like it's been only, and it was always you.

What the fuck is wrong with me that I could even think that? Cause all you've said and done should have destroyed it.

Of all those moments that you weren't yourself, there were the ones where you were nothing else.

That's what I love, what I'm still hung up on. For what I've been told I was an idiot for still holding on.

But you love...when you were you. I wish you knew how much my heart still holds onto you.

I had to let go, I needed a change. But I wish you knew you weren't the only variable in that whole thing.

I feel so alone...and while I wish I were gone, I have two reasons why I will always hold on.

You gave me faith in myself, that without I never would have left. And that seems so contradictory, that what you gave me is what hurt us both.

I never meant to use that against you, but I will always give credit where credit is due. I would not be where I am if not for you. With the tears on my face, I still have to say thank you.

You hurt me the worst but you loved me the most. And while it may seem strange to say, I'm so happy for what I've lost.

Happy that I had you, for all that you've taught me. Happy for the time with Val, though I miss her like fucking crazy.

Now I don't know how you'll receive this or if it will even be sent, cause no matter if I want to, I could never have you back.

But you, you gave me all I have. The confidence, the willpower, everything that I lacked.

I miss my family, I miss my home, overall I hate every night that I lay awake alone.

But again baby, I have to thank you for making me realize I was strong. Helping me push forward, when everyone I've ever cared about told me it was wrong.

I have to admit it hurts like a bitch. My own mother telling me I'm worthless. But the names, the lectures, the silence...nothing hurt so much as your absence.

I think the worst part is knowing you hate me, knowing there's nothing I could say to make you forgive me. The only thing I can hope is that you know I didn't take it lightly.

With all that being said, I truly wish you the best. For you to move on and find someone worth the love you invest.

And I know that it's selfish but I'm so mad that I can't, I feel like I will always be stuck with what we were in my head.

Nothing could measure up or compare I'm sure, so does that mean that there's nothing worth waiting for?

And I know I'll be fine, I have been for almost a year. With no "good morning", "goodnight", or " baby, I'm here".

And that confidence you gave me is the only reason I'm here, almost every night I whisper "thank you" while I wipe away the tears.

With how badly I want to, I can't touch your face cause I'd never let go. You were so bad for me, but so good for my soul. And while I still feel it was right, there will always be a part of me that wishes I had never let go.