Weight loss hack
In-laws. Get some in-laws and stress out like the coolest homies on the block. Just think about them and you feel genuine discomfort and concern. Open the door, and into the crannies of your mind the dread shall explore. It devours from within, an insatiable parasite leaving its host weary yet remarkably thin.
Speaking of parasite, its time to swallow a parasite. Tapeworms are all the rage but really any old wonky looking parasite will do the job. Just get one and put it inside of you, and let it hang out for a while, sort of like an intestine or a lung.
"Hey how can you eat that and be so skinny?"
"Oh I'm not eating anything."
"What are you talking about, Sheryl?"
"My friend ate it."
"You sound crazy right now."
"Crazy? No I'm not."
"Does this have to do with that illegitimate doctor friend?"
Parasite. Just swallow. It's fine.
You know what else is fine? The things you don't know. How do you not know? You can't see. You don't know what you can't see.
Worried how you look?
Easy.
Don't get a mirror.
If you can't see then you don't know.
Sounds good to me.
You know what else sounds good? Not the news. Just turn on the news while you eat. Pick your least favorite news and crank up that volume like they did at that nightclub you don't remember and then you'll be so pissed off the pounds will literally burn off.
Still not satisfied? We've got you covered. Try our seven day plan of doing stuff that scares the living daylight out of you nonstop 24/7.
Think we're kidding?
Because we're not.
You're kidding for saying we're kidding because we are definitely not kidding.
Looks like you're the crazy one now.
Worried? You should be. Get help.
Professional help.
But before you do, fill out a form of what terrifies you so badly that it shakes your inner soul and then spend a week of hell so terrified that you'll forget what undressed personal problems got you show up in the first place. You'll be pooping your pants so badly that you'll have that figure back in hours! You might be crazy, and we can't help with that, but you'll sure look good!