Best of Luck Next Time, Just Not From Us (Rejection Letter)

Dear "Writer" *choking back a chuckle*:

We thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your submission. Regretfully (seriously, we're losing sleep over this and have spent the past several nights crying), we are not able to accept your piece in our esteemed, GOAT publication of super awesome, totally radical, bodacious collection of writing. We mean no disrespect, but your story brought no feeling or emotional attachment to us whatsoever. In fact, instead of reading your story, we would rather count every glade of grass in a 50 acre piece of land. Instead of ever reading your story again, we would rather sit in a small four walled room and watch white paint dry. Instead of being subjected to your literature, we would rather count to 5 zillion non-stop before doing anything else (including eating, drinking, or using the restroom). We are unable to use your piece, because it will not make us any richer if we publish dreck like yours, and in the words of the far superior, great poet of our time, the one and only Puff Daddy, "It's all about the Benjamins, baby." We would encourage you to try again the next time we accept submissions, but in all honesty, we hope this letter discourages you from ever contacting us ever again. So shoo.... pretty please?

Sincerely,

Do you really care what my name is, and even if you did do you think you are worthy of any introduction from me?