My heart is pounding out of my chest.

When I close my eyes, I can feel my heartbeat thumping through my entire body, my veins throbbing in a rhythmic pattern. The neurons in my brain are sending signals to the synapses at rapid-fire speed. Past decisions, today's conversations, my uncertain future all appearing just long enough to create the spike of cortisol only to disappear almost as quickly as they materialized. I beg for a distraction and reach for anything with potential. The relief is fleeting and never enough. Only until my body and brain are fatigued from the hyper-cognizance, can I finally let go into sleep, the one and true reprieve. However, sometimes that doesn't arrive until I have suffered through a few nights of depletion. Anxiety has never been of service for me. It might have its place in evolution; it helps protect the preyed upon. However, the only gift it has given me is destruction. Structural degeneration of the brain, read a scientific article I once stumbled upon. I try everything in my power to quiet it, to soothe it from the spasms. With all this work, maybe one day, I'll be able to say, "when I close my eyes, I feel peace."