Epiphany

1.

He looks at the mirror for the first time in many years. He can’t remember the last time he looked at himself.

Today he has been released from hospital. He was there for nearly three months. It could’ve been worse, he was supposed to die. He was in the hospital because he had attempted suicide.

He looks at the piece of the paper in his hand once more, even though he read it over and over again in past three months. A sentence is written there, ‘Love yourself.’

Only two words. But so powerful. So powerful that it can completely change a person’s life.

He remembers the day when he read the sentence first.

* * *

After regaining consciousness, he found himself in a hospital bed. His head was still dizzy. He closed his eyes and opened them again.

When his senses returned to normal, he found out a piece of paper under his pillow. He didn’t get who put it there. He brought the paper in front of his eyes and read,

‘Love yourself.’

He was moved by those words. But he couldn’t think about it at that moment much.

Later, he discovered the writings in the other side of the paper. It said,

‘If you’re reading this, that means you’re still alive. You had less chance of survival, but you survived. It means it’s another chance for you. A chance to start over. Try to live properly this time.’

His eyes became wet. He didn’t know who wrote it for him. Friend? He had no friend. Parents? Impossible. Then who?

Maybe the one who brought him to hospital. No matter who, he felt so grateful towards that person and shed tears. And, the words gave him a loud shake.

‘‘I have to live,’’ he told himself.

* * *

He returns to the present. He looks into his eyes in the mirror. His eyes become full of tears and he doesn’t hold back. He bursts into tears.

He never loved himself.

He was just like the others. He hated himself. He hated himself for not being perfect. No one wanted to have him around. Neither family nor friends. He hated himself for being introverted, for being different than others, for suffering from depression.

He never cared for himself. He accepted the false accusations society imposed on him. He thought about himself the same way society taught him to. And in the end, he attempted to kill himself.

He can’t stop tears from flowing after looking into his eyes. They were full of pain and sadness.

He cries thinking how much he hurt himself.

He can’t stay standing anymore. He sinks down on the bathroom floor. He places his head on knees and let tears flow.

After crying for a while he becomes calm and stands up again. He looks into his eyes again and remembered those words once more, ‘It’s another chance for you. A chance to start over.’

He closes his eyes and says, ‘‘Yes, I’m gonna start my life again. I’m going to love myself.’’

He opens his eyes and places one hand on another. He says to himself,

‘‘I won’t lose you anymore.’’ His lips trembled. ‘‘I’m sorry for all the wrong things I did to you, this time we’re going to start over. Everything will be alright.’’

He feels a bit better after saying those words. He feels something he never felt before. He hopes everything will be alright, for real.

2.

The day he went to school first after being released from hospital, everyone was surprised. He just sighed and went to his seat.

One of his classmates asked, ‘‘So, are you alright now?’’

He just shook his head affirmatively. He could feel everyone’s gaze on him. He could hear them talking about him in a low voice.

When the teacher entered the class, at first she didn’t notice him. When she finally noticed, she told, ‘‘Oh, you’re back.’’ Again, he just nodded. Most of the teachers reacted the same way.

Everyone thought that he won’t come back. That was normal. If things went as planned, he wouldn’t really come back.

But sometimes things don’t go as planned and that’s better.

That day, he went out from classroom during tiffin break, which he didn’t do earlier. He didn’t because he didn’t want to bump into people. But that day, he didn’t care. For the first time in the life, he decided to fight with his negative feelings and not to give in.

That was the day he realized the fact that he is loved for the first time. He was just too blind to see that.

Love is always complicated. Self-love is no different.

First step feels easy. Second one is harder than the first one. Third one is even harder. Sometimes you will feel like giving up. Especially when society is against you – or you feel so. Even when you do your best, society will tell you to do better. And when you stumble or fall down, they won’t help you. They will tell you about your wrongdoings, regardless of what you are going through. Society always wants perfection, even though nobody is perfect.

Love doesn’t care about perfection or mistake. When we love someone, no matter how faulty that person is, we always unconditionally accept that one. Simply because it’s him or her. The concept of loving yourself is just that. Giving yourself the same love you give others, and the same love you get from others.

Once you reach a stage of loving yourself, you will discover not only the beauty in you but also other people. That’s why it’s told that, ‘‘True love begins with loving yourself.’’

Slowly, he can feel the change inside of him.

He used to hate his classmates.

For him there was no reason not to hate them. They hated him and criticized him, and he hated them back.

At first he thought, ‘‘Why are they like this? Why do they do this to me?’’

And eventually he started to hate them too.

Now that he has started loving himself, he has stopped hating themselves too. He realizes that some of his feelings were exaggerated, and at some places he can just be a little more considerate and forgiving.

He can’t change their minds, but he can change his own mindset.

Now he suffers from depression less often. He is discovering the beautiful side of him, the side he never knew about before. A side about which no one told him.

Still, there are a lot of people who loves him no matter how imperfect he is. They love him because it’s him. And, now he is going to be one of those persons.

3.

Life is beautiful.

Life is beautiful when you see everything through the eyes of love.

The wonder of living is more beautiful than anything else. Once you realize that, you will feel like everyday has a surprise and every single day is exceptionally beautiful. If you learn to enjoy the little things, life becomes beautiful. If you can accept reality, life is beautiful.

All his life he always thought about the bad things that was happening with him, that he had no friends, he felt unloved and uncared, and the world seemed so mean. He ended up suffering from depression.

Now that he is trying to take the wheel of his happiness in his hands, he is slowly remembering things that he used to like before depression. He liked getting wet in rain. He loved playing guitar. He liked listening to music. Doodling in class exercise book with the fear of getting caught by teacher, looking outside the window and predicting how the weather is going to be, looking at the evening sky were some other things he enjoyed. He took those things for granted, but actually those things created the most beautiful moments of his life. His most beautiful moments of life wasn’t hanging out with friends or celebrating something. His most beautiful moments of life was these alone times. He didn’t realize it until he fell into depression.

Nowadays, he is starting to do these things again.

So one afternoon he took his guitar after a long time. Dust has covered it in these years. He cleaned it and started to play a melody. When his finger interacted with guitar strings, he felt a different kind of joy. He closed his eyes and lost into another world.

He got out of house to have a walk at that night. Walking was one of his hobbies. Especially when it was night and people usually stayed at their homes. He enjoyed the nightscapes, the breeze of night, chirping of crickets.

Before entering his house, he approached the Shiuli tree he planted. There were so many flowers under the tree. He picked them up and smelt. The fragrance took him to a different world.

He put those flowers on his table and the entire room became fragrant.

He went to sleep with a peaceful heart, these days he can sleep a lot better.

4.

Few years later.

He was in a party. Not really party, it’s kind of a ceremony. Otherwise he wouldn’t have come. He sat in a quiet place and now observing everyone.

At a time like this, someone sat next to him and asked, ‘‘How are you?’’

He was surprised. Rarely someone asks question like this, and the person next to him is a total stranger, three or four years elder than him.

He replied, ‘‘I’m fine. You?’’

The stranger said, ‘‘Hmm, you really seem to be fine... I’m fine, too.’’

He didn’t know the stranger, but the stranger knew him. He went to flashback.

* * *

He saw someone lying on the road. He approached that person. It was a boy, 14 or 15 years old. The boy was unconscious. He tried to feel his pulse. Yes, he was alive. He called an ambulance. Examining him carefully, he realized that the boy tried to take his own life.

While waiting in the hospital waiting room, he wrote something in a piece of paper. If the boy was lucky enough to survive, maybe the words would help him a bit, just the way they helped him.

* * *

He came back to the present. He noticed the boy and realized that he had changed.

He stood up and left. The boy didn’t need to know his identity.

He couldn’t help but think, how powerful the words ‘Love yourself’ are!