I started translating (the more appropriate term will be rewriting) my stories for a writer friend of mine. When I told her that I don’t have much reader, she told me that she would read my stories. That’s why I started it. Later, I dared to start writing some stories in English.

I won’t deny the fact that I was greatly inspired by books I read or something I watched while writing those stories, so that was reflected on them. But I was more inspired by my own life and experiences, my surroundings and the way I see the world. So this book is a reflection of my point of view about life. All these stories show my journey of growing up and becoming mature, my journey to be a better writer.

While I was working on this book, RM’s song Wild flower was released. And I immediately thought of naming this book after that song. I am really bad at giving title by myself.

Special thanks to Melany, the person who is the reason why I started writing stories in English in the first place and who assured me that it’s okay to be myself while writing, my younger sister who has drawn the cover art of this book and said “You may not think so, but your writings can touch people’s heart.” and my friends, readers and reviewers from Write the World.

I apologize in advance, as I am still learning English; I know there are a lot of mistakes I made. I am trying to be better.

I am still nothing more than a young writer or a web-writer. But I dream of becoming more than that. I dream of the day when people will recognize me as a writer.

1.

She wakes up when the sunlight reached directly on her face. Every morning the sun wakes her up this way. She doesn’t need an alarm.

After getting washed up, she makes herself a cup of tea. Tea is her most favourite drink. She wants to start her day with something she loves and drinking tea is the best way for that. The warmth of tea makes her feel happy.

She checks her phone and sees a text, ‘‘Good morning. You okay?’’. She smiles. Even if the world turns upside down, there are some persons who will always care about her. First, her family. Second, her best friend, Luna, who never forgets to check out on her. And if her answer is negative, Luna will try every possible way to make her smile. Sometimes it makes her impatient.

She opens the window and sits beside it. She feels the spring breeze and inhales the scent of spring. It takes her to another world. Spring is her favourite season. Looking through the window, she sees the trees full of various colours in the midst of the gray and white city.

Today, she wants to rest a bit without having any workload. It’s true that she loves writing, but sometimes it feels as tiring as work. Today is one of those days. So she spends her day reading, looking outside and thinking. It’s a plus point for her. She can observe holiday whenever she wants or feel like so.

Life is beautiful, she thinks.

There are happiness and sadness, success and trials, hope and despair. But overall, life is beautiful.

Even to people like her, who feels lonely and empty every single day, life is beautiful.

2.

People say that she is really lucky, because she is living the life she wanted to live, she has a chance of working on her passion and dream. Especially her friends always say this, as most of them couldn’t fulfil their dreams, because of their parents or the harsh reality.

To most of the people, fulfilling dreams and working on passion means a successful and happy life. In that way, she is definitely happy.

But reality is different. Happiness is so much more than that.

When she was younger, she used to think that sharing love is all that matters, that is the meaning of human existence.

When she was younger, she never thought of being a writer or something like that. Sometimes she daydreamed of being someone so special, but that was only daydream and she knew that. She was just an ordinary girl, and writing was just her hobby.

She dreamed of a simple and decent life, with her parents and someone she would love. She dreamed of giving that person unconditional love, have a child and raise that child with all her time and love, and pass her free time by reading as much book as she can, and sometimes she may write too. Often they would go on trips to beautiful places, which can bound them together tighter. In short, you can say that her aim in life was to love and to be loved. That is the definition of happiness to her.

But she ends up being a writer, dedicating almost all her time to write.

It isn’t bad, it may not seem so. But, if you have a deeper look into her life, you will be able to realize that she doesn’t deserve this kind of life.

It was ten years ago, when suddenly she started to change. She didn’t smile often like she used to, she started interacting less with people, spending most of the time in her room, reading and writing.

She wasn’t an outgoing person, but she was warm towards her friends. It was until that time when she fell into a depressive state of mind, and that was when she started feeling that no one truly cares for her except for family. She started drifting away from peers, stopped calling and texting them and planned to reject if they call her. But no one called her or checked out why she was like that, so she didn’t even get the chance to reject them. In reality she couldn’t reject them, but as years passed, she eventually formed a rejecting mindset and became even more introverted. But in the end, there was someone who was different than others. It was her best friend. She was there all the time and she is still her best friend.

That was when she turned to writing. She started expressing her feelings in a piece of paper. And she published them in different platform. She didn’t become famous, but her readers appreciated and encouraged her enough to continue on with her writing.

People say that she is really a good and passionate writer.

But in personal life, she is a cold person, quiet and introverted.

She is alone.

She spends most of her time sitting in her desk in front of a computer or lying in her bed with a book.

No one can see how much pain she endured.

No one can see her loneliness.

3.

’’I didn’t want this kind of life.

I feel lonely everyday.

I feel depressed so often.

I never thought my life would be like this, but this is how things turned out. My young, immature and childish persona is gone, and now I have become a mature adult who has to look after herself.

In school, my peers said that I’m indifferent, that I have no interest in the world. It’s true. That’s why I didn’t have many friends. That didn’t bother me. I was a bookworm (I still am), and books are my friends in real sense. They never abandon me.

I have another comfort zone, that’s writing. On the days I feel lonely, on nights I can’t fall asleep, I vent my feelings on a paper.

I write to express myself.

My writings are just my feelings. The way I see the world reflects in my writing. My pains are captured into my writings. They are parts of my soul. That’s all.

I wasn’t a writer when I was happy, I became a writer when I became completely alone, lost people from my life and separated from the society.

My writings aren’t my talents or achievements. They are the fruit of my endless pain and loneliness.

I wish I could go back to the world I was in when I was a child, a world of warmth and love. Now the world around me is cold and lonely. So do I.

I didn’t want a life like this. I wanted a warmer and happier life.

I need someone by my side. I thought I could live without someone by my side. Yes, I can live like that, but now I know that my life is incomplete. Someone is missing from my life. I am a human being after all and human being cannot live alone. That’s why those who live alone like me eventually become a cold one.

I just need someone to lean on, to comfort my loneliness, someone to melt my frozen heart.

I just want my life to be complete and be happier.’’

On a sleepless night after a depressing day, she wrote these down in her diary.

4.

In the end of a day, she plugs in her earphone and closes her eyes. She really loves music. With that, she cuts off with the world and transport into another world. A familiar voice whispers in her ears while she looks at the translated lyrics.

’’Laughing together, crying together

I guess those simple emotions were everything to me

When will the day come?

When I meet you again

I will look into your eyes and tell you

I missed you.’’

Tears stream down her face. Every time she listens to this song, she cries.

‘‘You’re still with me, aren’t you? You are still alive in my memories. You’re in my every single day.’’ Her heart aches. She feels a familiar pain.

It was ten years ago when she lost her first love.

She lost him three years after they first met, when both of them were 23.

No, they didn’t break up. She lost him because of a chronic illness he was suffering from.

And that’s when her life turned upside down. She was in a shock and devastated. What’s worse, she had to fight with those feelings all by herself. To this day, she can’t get over the loss.

He was her companion of everything. How can she forget or replace him, or get over his loss?

The loneliness and emptiness she feels is unbearable. Still, she can’t go and find another love.

She just can’t. Even though she promised him to do so. He made her promise that before death.

To this day she misses him so much. She doesn’t cry, she goes on with her everyday life, but she is in pain. She is in so much pain.

In these years, she has become more mature than she was in her entire life. She experienced the darkest days of her life in the first year.

The only thing that keeps her going is, she remembers that he didn’t want her to get lost or lose herself. That’s what keeps her going on with her life.

And life goes on. Now she has become a successful writer, she has got a lot of readers, she is living a decent life, but her life feels empty. She feels empty because she lost a part of her life.

5.

When she was in school and college, teachers kept saying that she must study hard, and be successful, be someone who can make them proud, be a doctor, engineer or someone ‘great’.

She wasn’t a typical good student, but she got good marks. She might be able to be a typical good student, she had the potentials to be so. But, she refused to choose studying over life. She followed her heart. She wanted to succeed by doing something she really wanted to do.

What no one knew was, she was a really good writer. She got her several writings published in some platforms. But no one even knew about that, let alone being proud or applauding.

But she was happy.

Her heart beat when she wrote, she could feel the words and emotions through every line. Writing could take her to an entire different world, different than the one she lives in. She loved the feeling when her fingers danced on the keyboard.

She was happy when her readers told that they were moved by her writings, tears came to her eyes when they said they could connect with her writings. She wasn’t bothered by the fact that people around her doesn’t care. Her passion and her readers were the ones who kept her going.

But she didn’t plan to take writing as her future profession. Firstly, she was afraid to take her passion as work, as there was a chance to get tired and sick of it. Secondly, she couldn’t stick to one thing for long. Her personality was like that.

But deep inside she cherished her dream to be a writer.

And finally it has come true.

But success comes with a price.

If you study deeply, you will find out that every successful person had to pay their price, be it separating from family, losing the chance of living a normal life or losing something valuable.

And she had to pay her price – losing one of the most precious persons in her life and being lonely.

If she could, maybe she would’ve chosen him over success.

But she wasn’t given the chance.

6.

Luna texted her friend, but today she isn’t replying. It’s not a good sign. She even didn’t answer her calls, which is unlike her.

Luna exactly doesn’t know what her friend is up to. But she knows that when she becomes like this, she doesn’t feel well. She has probably locked herself in her room, doing nothing or she has disappeared. On these days, no one can know about her whereabouts. No one knows where she goes.

Luna let out a sigh. At first, she thought she could comfort her. Even at school, she felt so distant. She was lonely, Luna couldn’t pull her closer. She kept that distance on purpose. And then she fell in love, Luna was happy to see her friend being happier than ever.

But that happiness was so transient. Years later, Luna found her friend as lonely and depressed as she was in school, and just like back then, she could do nothing but stay with her.

* * *

There are days when loneliness becomes unbearable for her. On these days, she feels like doing nothing. Nothing can make her feel good. The pain of loneliness stuck in her heart. In these days, she cuts off connection with everything and stay trapped in her own world.

Now she is walking in the night, mindlessly, without knowing her destination. She is still feeling extremely lonely, and no one else can comfort her loneliness right now except for one person.

But that person is gone. And that is the reason of her loneliness.

She didn’t tie up her hairs, they are flying and strides of hair fall on her face. Her hair is pretty long. The night breeze caresses her gently, as if to comfort her loneliness.

She keeps thinking about him, she remembers every little details of him. His voice, his smile, the memories they made together, times when they fought, got hurt by each other and reconciled again, the simple but never ending love they gave each other...

Even though she had no specific plan, after walking for a while she finds herself in front of his home. No, it isn’t his home. It was a rented room, he lived there. Now the place is rented by someone else, she can tell that by seeing the lights.

She sighs. Life goes on. Even his place is rented by someone else. The pain, the absence she feels every day, the memories are the only traces of him. Her heart is the place where he can never be replaced.

She has to go on with her life every day, pretending like nothing has happened and she is fine. She has to go on with the unbearable heavy feeling in her heart, her face where no trace of smile can be seen, and her eyes which are almost expressionless.

She looks up. It’s raining.

7.

In one evening, she was seen to be preparing to go out. She was going to have a meet-up with an admirer of her writings. He was not only admirer of her writings, but also of her. And she was aware of this fact.

She arrived on time, they sat face to face in a restaurant and ordered foods.

After some moments of silence, he said, ‘‘There is something I want to tell you.’’

‘‘Say it.’’

‘‘I- I really like you a lot.’’

She gave a strange smile, and said, ‘‘I’m sorry, but let me tell you this before you go any far – I’m engaged.’’

He was surprised, and he also noticed that there was no engagement ring. As if she could read his mind, she said with that strange smile, ‘‘Actually I meant that I am in love with someone else.’’

It was still a bit surprising to him, she is 33 now, she has someone she loves but why is she still unmarried? This time she also replied before he asked the question, ‘‘The person I love is...’’ she stopped for a moment to pick the right word, ‘‘Gone.’’

‘‘Gone?’’ He asked, surprised.

‘‘Yes, gone,’’ she wasn’t smiling anymore.

‘‘That’s...’’ she didn’t let him finish, ‘‘You can call me crazy, or anything that you want, but let me tell you one thing – I’m so stubborn and if I’m determined, no one can ever change my mind.’’

Not even the one I loved, she thought.

‘‘Don't stay alone once I’m gone. Find another love.’’

‘‘I can’t love anyone else but you.’’

‘‘Please, don’t be like that. Move on and find love.’’

She said in her mind, ‘’It’s my life, my decision.’’

It’s not her first time refusing someone. In ten years, she has done it multiple times. She can never imagine someone else in his place.

She returned to home and fell on her bed. She closed her eyes, and said, ‘‘I’m yours. You’re mine. It will never change.’’

8.

What if someday I lose my passion for writing?

She thinks.

What if writing can’t make my heart beat anymore?

She becomes afraid.

There are times when she doesn’t feel like writing anymore. There were times when she wanted to give up. When she first started publishing writings, sometimes she became disappointed. As she was young, she expected feedback. And when she didn't get them, she felt disappointed from time to time. But her passion made her continue on.

Writing is something she can’t let go of.

There was a time she even wanted to quit.

It was right after her first book got published.

But losing her passion is something even more frightening. It’s one of the things she fears the most.

She hopes that day will never come.

* * *

She sat in front of her laptop with a new work in her mind after one month or more. She hasn’t written anything during this time. Because, she wanted to quit.

But she couldn’t really.

Writing is her passion, her friend of dark times. It’s something she can never let go of. She has lost so many precious things in her life. But writing is something which is comfort zone for all the time.

At her age of 11, she used to feel lonely and sometimes bored at school. Soon, she found a way to spend her alone times. She started penning down her thoughts and feelings beside classnotes. What she didn't know back then was, those were beautiful literary works. No one told her.

At her age of 13, she wrote her first story. She wasn’t confident at all, so she couldn’t show it to anyone. After much hesitation, she gave it to Luna, who appreciated it and encouraged her to write more. She continued on with her stories, and within one year she had a good collection of stories.

At her age of 16, she became a bit more confident. She started searching for more readers and reviewers. For that, she submitted some of her writings in some different platforms. When those writings were published, she was inspired. When some of her readers said kind words about her writings, she decided to keep going and that's when she started to believe that writing was her spark.

At her age of 19, she decided to choose literature as her subject in university. She studied science throughout all her student life, and she got good grades, but after college she thought of moving on and ended up choosing literature as her path of studying.

It had been a long while since she wanted to publish her own book. But she wasn’t ready. That year, exactly 10 years after she first started writing, she has finally got her book published. It wasn’t easy and she was rejected by publishers at first. But she didn't give up as some of her favourite writers also got rejected at first. And finally, her book is published.

It was an event worth being happy and maybe a little bit proud, too.

But her happiness didn't last long.

She discovered that a large number of readers weren’t happy with her book.

Not everyone was like that of course, there are a lot of people who left kind comments but the destructive criticisms were enough to break her.

‘‘Her writings are so immature.’’

‘‘Her writings are merely emotions. They have no real meaning inside.’’

‘‘She is stuck in her own world, writing about same things again and again.’’

‘‘It’s so boring. I regret buying this book.’’

From a young age, she was so sensitive about criticism. Destructive criticism was her worst nightmare. As she grew up, she became more tolerant, but still she couldn’t take those negative comments.

She was broken.

She decided to quit.

But as she thought about it over and over again, she remembered about the times when writing made her feel happy.

When she was lonely at school, writing comforted her.

When some of her readers said that her writings touched their hearts, she was inspired. They made her believe in herself.

When her first book was published, her happiness knew no bound.

When she lost her first love, writing was the only thing that helped her to put herself together.

It’s so easy to leave a mean comment. But do they know how much it costs her to write a single story? To those readers and publishers, they are merely stories. But those stories contain her tears, heartbeats, loneliness. Those stories cost her sleepless nights and lonely days.

She remembered those days when she wrote only for herself, when she was the only reader, writer and editor.

But the thing that made her comeback was an email she got that morning.

It was from a girl who is her reader and friend for a long time.

’’Hi, how are you doing? I have just finished reading your book and it reached straight to my heart. Your writings always relate to me so much. I wonder how. Do you go through the same pains that I go through? Are you someone who is as lonely as I am?

You told me that the publishers reject you, but please don’t worry about that. Maybe they don’t understand the value of your writing, but that doesn’t make you a bad writer.

I used to think that I was strange, as nobody around me through the same things as me. I felt that I was living in a world different than others. But then you made me feel that I wasn’t alone, and still there were people who thought same way as me. Maybe they are less in number, but they exist.

So I want to tell you that you are not alone either. I won’t say forever, but as long as I can, I will always stay as someone who will read your books and encourage you to keep going with your beautiful writings.

With love.’’

And she forgot about all those mean comments, she forgot her desire to quit.

She remembered that there are still those people who would stay by her side no matter what, and that’s what keeps her going to this day.

1.

He was sitting alone in his room when someone knocked at the door. He was surprised and didn’t believe that someone really knocked at his door. But when he heard the same sound again, he realized that someone was indeed knocking. He got up and opened the door. Opening the door he saw someone he never expected to see at his doorstep.

The girl at his doorstep had confusion in her eyes. Probably she was thinking whether it was a wrong decision to show up here. She also had fear in her eyes, maybe she was afraid that the he would tell her to go away.

"You? Here? How did you find me?"

“Don't think it was easy. You weren’t answering my calls, but I needed to talk to you.

“Come in.”

He took her to a balcony. And all of a sudden, he asked her

“What do you think about me? You think I am a happy person, don't you? I don’t have struggles, is that what you think? "

“Much like that. Everyone has struggles in life. You are no different. Apart

from that, I think you are a happy person."

“That is what you are supposed to think. Because I didn’t let you see my true self. I didn't let you see my weakness. I disguised myself.

I think it’s time to tell you everything. What's the point of hiding it anymore? Besides, I need to tell these to someone."

“You can tell me.”

He started his story. His voice was like hearing from a faraway place.

"I was in class ten when I met an accident. It was a serious accident and I was bedridden for nearly one year. After one year I was healed physically but not mentally. It took a toll on my mental health. I couldn’t take one step outside because of the trauma caused by that accident. I couldn’t sleep at night. As I couldn’t go to school for one year, I was lag behind. My old classmates looked at me in a strange way. I became a loner. You will never understand that pain of loneliness. Loneliness leaded to depression. I had to go to doctor because of that. I even tried to kill myself. I couldn’t break out of that panic and depression. Now I can't get along with people. I have lost the interest to continue on with my life. Then I met you. Your affection towards me helped me get along with you. But I had to change myself to be with you. I was tired of this. That is why I wanted you to leave. I was afraid that you won't be able to be with the real me. "

She remained quiet for a long while listening to his story. Tears streamed down her face. He couldn’t see that in darkness.

She said, "Let me tell you one thing."

“Say it.”

She took his hand and told, "I am never going to leave you. No matter what you are. You don’t need to change yourself."

“Are you sure that you can do that? After all these happened?”

“Please give me one more chance. I may not be able to fix your problems, but

I will at least let you feel that someone is by your side. I will look after you even if I have to suffer pain for you.”

“Thanks. I don’t know whether you will be able to be my side until the end. But believe me, except for my family, you are the only one who extended her hand to me. I hurt you a lot but you still want to be with me. That means a lot to me.”

2.

She couldn’t keep her words. She died in a road accident after a year.

Their last conversation went like this.

“I'm sorry, I couldn't keep my word. I have to leave now.”

“It's not your fault. You did your best.”

“I wonder who is going to take care of you after I'm gone.”

He kept quite. She spoke again,

"You have to take care of yourself and love yourself. And," She extended her hand, "Promise me that you will never try to kill yourself again."

He held her hand and told, "I promise."

3.

He lived a few years after that. He had to fight with his trauma and depression all alone for the rest of his life. And he wished to die a lot more time.

But he never tried to kill himself again.

A girl's love helped him survive.

A love like the last colour of rainbow.

1.

His point of view

He was the top student of the class. But he doesn’t have a single friend. Everyone thought he was stuck-up. They don’t get along with him. They talk about him behind his back. They don’t have the courage of bullying him or something like that, because they are somewhat afraid of him. No one knew about him or his family. They didn’t try either.

But he knew well what they thought about him. He was hurt of course. No one knew that, he wasn’t stuck up. He was just introvert. No one knew how much pain he was going through.

He is thinking about his past sitting beside the window. Usually, when people think about past, they recall the happy memories. School life is considered as the golden time of life, but to him it wasn’t. To him it was cold, lonely and unfriendly. He still remembers how he waited for the school to end and wanted to come back to his home. He didn’t have parents or family to save him from that cold world outside. He only had his room. His bed, table, window. He didn’t own the room. It was a hostel room. But it was his home. At that time if puberty, when human heart craves for love and affection, he grew up all alone. In his own way. That’s why now people can’t take him so easily.

He loves this time, when the sun starts to go down. He sits by his window at this time and thinks. This is his very own alone time. This time is so transient, that’s why it’s even more beautiful. He wants to hold onto this time forever.

In a time like this, the second person enters the room. His roommate. They are of the same age and have opposite personalities. But they are still friends.

2.

His roommate’s point of view

Every afternoon, entering the room he sees his roommate sitting by the window. He looks like a silhouette. He looks so lonely. Seeing him like this, his heart aches. He feels a pain.

He says, ‘‘Hey, I’m back. You can’t sit like that anymore. Is it okay to sit and think like that all day?’’

The other person turns his head from window and says, ‘‘I often remember the day we met first. I didn’t know back then that one day you will take this much place in my life. ’’

He says, ‘‘So, you are finally acknowledging that I have a place in your life.’’

His roommate didn’t respond and lay flat down on his bed. He was going to sleep. He is like that, he has no specific routine like others.

He remembers the first time they met. The first day when he came here, his roommate didn’t even look at him, but he was observing quietly. The next day, his roommate confessed,

‘‘Listen, I have lived alone all along, so I am a bit weird. Try to adjust a bit.’’

He didn’t care much about his weird traits and tried his best to adjust. His roommate did so, too. He is extroverted and has lot of friends, opposite than the other one.

One day, his roommate told, ‘‘I envy you so much.’’

‘‘Why?’’

‘‘Because you can get along with others so easily.’’

He sighed. Everyone takes it positively that he can get along with people easily. But it does have bad sides. Some people envy him. Some people don’t trust him. Everyone sees only the happy and extroverted side of him.

He said, ‘‘Will you believe me, if I say sometimes I feel so sad, too? There are times when I desperately want someone to hold my hand, but no one does. In those times I feel like the loneliest person.’’

The other one stayed quiet for a while. Then said, ‘‘That’s something we share. Both of us are lonely. From now on, tell me if you feel like that again. I won’t console you, but I will hold your hand.’’

And he kept his promise. That’s what kept them together to this day.

He comes to reality. The other one is asleep. He thinks about him. Everyone thinks that he is a cold person. But it’s not his fault. It’s the fault of the atmosphere he grew up in. He is unsociable. But if he gets true love, it won’t be a problem anymore. Ice can be melted by warmth only. One day he said that he is becoming numb. But now he is changing.

The weather is cold. It’s raining heavily for days. He covered his sleeping roommate with a sheet. A little touch of caring, but it means a lot to him.

1

Father’s point of view

One ordinary day, while having dinner, a sudden realization struck him: he hadn’t taken a proper look at his only son’s face for years.

In fact, he couldn’t remember when the last time he actually noticed his son’s face was. That wasn’t all. He couldn't even remember the last time he spoke to his son with affection and love. He used to order the boy around and said harsh words to him when he was just a child.

An incident came to his mind. He once slapped his son for bringing one of his friends home. Growing up, the boy grew distant from him. He wondered if they ever talked about anything personal.

His son, who lost his mother when he was still a minor, needed love and affection more than anything else. And what did he do as the father? The exact opposite. He made his child feel unloved. He was a cruel, heartless father, moreover he wanted his son to turn out to be like him.

But his son was different, his mother’s gene was dominant in him.

Was he always like that, cold and indifferent of other people’s feelings? No. Once upon a time, he was also a man full of feelings. That was, before he exchanged his life for career.

That day, he felt he failed as a father. Did his son hate him for that? He never tried to find out.

He thought, he should talk to his son today. It wouldn’t be easy at all. His love for others had dried up long before.

He called out his son’s name, who lifted his face in shock.

"How are you?"

His son was surprised and uncomfortable because he couldn't find the reason behind his father's sudden question. "I'm fine," he said, but he couldn't manage to say what people usually said next, "What about you?"

Though his son said he was fine, it didn't seem to be the case. He looked pale and skinny, as if he were suffering from a serious illness. Why? He couldn't even ask that.

Once he returned to his room after finishing dinner, he thought about his family and his life. He was neither a good father nor a good husband. His wife was able to hold the family together solely for the sake of their son.

He thought making money was more important than making time for his family, he was trying to give them a better life after all. He thought strictness was a must to discipline his child, but he missed the fact that harshness does more harm than good. He thought it was okay to take out his anger on his family, he was just tired working all day after all.

He was terribly wrong.

It was too late to make things right now, but he could at least try to behave normally with his son from now on, he thought. Maybe he could even try to apologize, but he didn't know whether he should be forgiven.

He went to his son’s room. The room was dark. It took him a while to realize that his son was there, sleeping.

He thought of approaching him but stopped, afraid of waking the boy up.

Son’s point of view

He was looking at his reflection on the bathroom mirror.

He didn't have much time left to live.

He felt sad for himself. He felt sad for his father, who had given him almost nothing but misery through his whole life. As a child, he hated his father. As he grew up, his attitude changed. He started treating his father like a mentally sick person and distanced himself. He couldn’t express it, but he felt affection towards that cold hearted man. However cold-hearted his father might be, they were still each other’s only family. That was why he always went home on vacations.

He wondered how his father would react when he would die. Would he react at all?

2.

A month later.

The father and the son looked into each other’s eyes for the first time in many years, without any hesitation or discomfort. They didn't exchange a single word, but their eyes told everything they wanted to express.

The son had never seen of his father this way before, but he knew that this was his father’s true self. He smiled.

The father couldn't remember when the last time he smiled was. He forgot how beautiful human smile could be. He approached the his son and took his hands. His eyes are no longer cold and emotionless. Now they were full of love, and pain.

That day, they realized how much they meant to each other.

His son’s smile gradually disappeared as he fell into eternal sleep.

* * *

As he entered his home, he caught the sight of his son’s empty room. Tears streamed down his face.

He didn't cry when his wife passed away. But on that day of his son’s passing, he cried his heart out. He mourned for the ones whom he didn’t value when they were around.

Everyone thought he was a successful person but he knew that his life was empty. His son's life was short-lived but meaningful. He was the one who truly lived his life.

He looked around the room. His son was gone, but his belongings kept his memories alive. Even if he was not there, his essence remained everywhere.

That boy left something behind. Love.

If he could get another chance to start a new life, he would live a life like his son and his wife. A normal life. Although, it was too late for that. Not everyone gets a second chance and he was one of them.

He would just spend the rest of his life with the memory of those who left. Although grief was painful, it was a human feeling.

He wanted to spend the rest of his life like a human.

1.

In tiffin period when students had and shared their tiffin and have fun, there was this one student who roams around the school all alone. Because of that, he knew every nook and cranny of the school. He was also good at another thing: observing.

One day he went to the furthest corner of the school, which was kind of a deserted place. No one went there usually. But on that particular day, he saw someone sitting there, with his head placed on knees.

He approached boy and touched his hand. The boy lifted his head and lowered it the next second, saying, "Leave me alone."

But he saw the boy's eyes. And he understood that the boy needed help. He knew that look very well. He saw that look numerous times.

In mirror. In his own eyes.

He asked the boy, "Are you ok?" Even though he knew very well that he was not.

The boy didn't raise his head.

"Tell me what happened, I can't promise to fix it. But if you share pains, they lessen a bit. If you keep it to yourself, it will grow."

He never said these word to anyone ever before. He never supported someone in

pain. At that moment he understood that the boy needed him. He could not leave him alone at that time. Because, he went through the same situation himself.

A few moments later, the boy lifted his head and told,

"I don’t want to live anymore."

The sentence was shocking enough. If someone else was there, that person might feel startled and said, "No, no, don’t say that." But he only sighed and asked, "Why?"

It was not his habit to be curious about others. But now the situation was different.

The boy was silent for a while. He was not good at expressing his feelings. It was hard for him. But person in front of him had something in him which finally helped him to speak himself.

“I feel like I am not myself anymore. Nothing can make me happy. I feel like I am dead inside. My feelings, my memories.... I am losing everything. It didn’t happen overnight. I feel separated from family. They behave in a way that I don’t exist. They will be separated on any day.

I don’t have friends. My classmates don’t want to talk to me. They call me strange. Sometimes they say hurtful things to me. At first I cried. But now I feel like... I don’t know. I feel like my life seems meaningless."

The boy stopped. He was talking in a calm voice, but now the other one noticed that his eyes were full with tears.

He said, "I understand your pain." Then he helped the boy to stand up.

He was right. He could really understand his pain. Because he went through similar pain. He grew up alone. His parents loved him, but they were not that much caring. No one in his family had the habit of sharing their feelings. He was a bad student in school. A backbencher. A blacklisted one in the eyes of teachers. He could not sleep well at night, he made it up by sleeping in class. When he was younger he sometimes got into fight with classmates, it was not always his fault. Ultimately, he was known as a bad one in the class. He was quiet and introverted, which was an extra layer on his character. People avoided him and he avoided people. People knew him as a cold hearted person. He didn’t get to know what friendship is. His world contained only him. Loneliness and depression were his constant companions.

He knew that the boy needed someone to lean on right now and he was the only one to do that.

Bell rang. They could not continue talking and went back to their class. After

the classes are over, he found the boy again. It wasn’t a difficult task, because he was walking alone. Without saying a word, he kept the boy company.

The boy walked with his head low. They walked silently for a while. Then he

remembered, he didn’t ask the boy's name. He didn’t even ask what class he read in.

He asked, "What's your name?"

The boy told his name. He also learned that he was in class eight, two years younger than himself.

Again silence.

Then the boy broke the silence, "I feel a bit lighthearted after sharing everything with you."

The other one replied, "That makes me happy."

After walking silently for a while, the younger one told something unexpected.

"Will you be my friend?"

The older one didn’t know what to say. He himself needed a friend, too. To save him from the black hole of loneliness. To melt the ice formed in his heart for 16 years. But, as a result of being lonely for a very long time, now he didn’t know how to get along with other people. He didn’t know how to love.

He didn’t want someone to get tangled with his life. Because, he is afraid of causing pain to that one.

But he didn’t say those to the boy that time. He didn’t want to kill his hope.

The boy needed a friend, even if that was someone like him.

He replied, "If you want."

The boy's eyes lit up after a long time. He waited almost all his life for a friend. His heart broke seeing others with friends. He prayed for someone to be by his side.

But the younger one didn’t see the painful side of friendship.

And the older one didn’t see how friendship can be helpful.

2.

Few months later.

They were walking together after school was over.

The older one said, "Listen, I don’t want you to depend on me too much. I don’t want you to get tangled with my life. "

The younger one looked hurt. His eyes were telling, "What's wrong? Have I done anything wrong?"

The older one said again, "I'm sorry. I don’t want to be so hard on you. But I don’t want you to get hurt because of me either. "

He was a straightforward and outspoken person. If something bothered him, he could not keep it to himself. Even so, he cared enough about the younger one.

Maybe more than he cared about anyone else. Otherwise he would have never apologized to him for being hard. His personality was like that.

After saying those words, he lost into his thoughts. He thought, "I am actually a selfish person. I don’t want to take anyone’s responsibility. I am hurting him even more by saying those words."

The younger one finally spoke. He told, "Maybe I can understand your problem."

The older one asked, "What is it?"

The younger one said, "You want to be alone. Don’t you?"

It was unexpected. The other one didn’t expect him to understand his problem.

He said, “You know, I have been alone for a long time, and my life has turned upside down because of that. I am self-centered... "

The younger one stopped him.

"I understand. It’s not your fault that you are self-centered. I know you." then he told, "Whenever you will need some alone time, tell me. I won't go to you then."

It wasn’t that the younger one didn’t get hurt. But he could consider for his friend. And here is the difference between the two. His heart wasn’t frozen like the older one, it was still full of love. The older one cared about the younger one too, in his own way. It was a sign of his caring that he let the younger one walk with him.

It's an undeniable fact that he hadn’t seen any person like that younger boy ever before. He could understand others and love deeply. But no one valued his love. Because, they needed perfect people, or someone rowdy, or someone who can serve their interests.

He let out a long sigh and thought that he was the only friend of such a person. The boy deserved a friend who could make him happier.

They walked a few more steps without any words.

Suddenly the boy said, "You told me that pain lessens by sharing. Then why

don’t you share your pains with me?"

The older one gave a sad smile. Even though the younger suffered a lot of pain compared to others of his age, he was still so young and immature. He didn’t want to burden him with his own pains. He told in his mind, "You don't need to listen to my pains. Just be with me, that will be a lot for me. Just keep helping me with your unconditional love. "

3.

The younger one seems to be better these days.

Now he bursts out with laughter about silly reasons. He seems to be euphoric.

His eyes are brighter than before. These things were absent in him for a long time. He was like this when he was a child. After growing up, loneliness turned his life upside down.

His friend became happy seeing him that way. But he was afraid too. He was afraid that if someday he let go of the younger's hand, if someday he become alone again, what will happen to him? What if he becomes depressed again?

Change was happening inside of him, too. He was more caring towards the younger now. Not only towards him, but also towards himself. He was starting to love himself. He was discovering a part of himself which was hidden. The warm and caring side of him. No one has made him feel that he was a good person ever before. Neither family, nor school or anyone else. They only told him about how bad he was.

Nowadays he doesn’t feel like a bad person anymore.

One day, they were walking home together and talking about something. At a point, the older one smiled. The younger one said, ‘‘Do you know how beautiful you look when you smile?’’

The older one was surprised, he didn't even notice that he was smiling. He said, ‘‘Actually I don’t know. I rarely smile.’’

‘‘If you only knew how pretty your smile is, you would smile more often.’’

‘‘You must know how hard it is for me to smile.’’

‘‘I know. I went through that stage too. Thanks to you, I am happy again.’’

‘‘Thanks to you, I am at least able to smile more often than before,’’ The older one said without thinking much. But after releasing those words, he was surprised. It’s unlike him to have feelings towards someone, let alone expressing them.

Another day, he was walking with the boy after school. Suddenly the boy said, “Today is my birthday.”

"Birthday?" The older one thought, "I have nearly forgotten mine."

He asked, "Do you have any plan?" Even though he already guessed the answer.

The younger one let out a sigh and told, "No."

The older one told, “Let's go somewhere together then. I hope you will feel better.”

The boy happily agreed.

After walking for a long time they finally reached riverside. It had a beautiful view. River flowing and blue sky above. Spending some time there causes a feeling of serenity. It feels like the sky leaves its footprint inside people’s heart.

The sun is about to set.

The older one said, “You know what, this is my favourite time of the day. Do you know why?”

"Why?"

“Because this time is so beautiful as well as short-lasting. So it is differently valuable.”

On their way back, the older one said, "Wanna come over to my place today?"

The younger's face lit up and he agreed without a second thought.

It was the first time for him to visit a friend, and for the older one it was the first time of inviting someone.

The older one didn’t live with his family. His home was far from the city. It was hard to go to school from such a faraway place. So he lived in a rented small house in the city, which he called his apartment. He could be in school hostel, but he hated being with people and people hated him too. So he had chosen to live alone.

The two went to his house together. They had to walk a long way today. Both of them were tired.

The younger had never seen such a small house. There was one bedroom, one bathroom, one small kitchen and a small space - which was maybe used as living room. He thought, this is the perfect place for a loner.

They entered the bedroom together. The boy sat on the bed.

The older said, “I am sorry, I don’t have anything to welcome you-"

The younger didn’t let him finish.

“It is the first time for me celebrating birthday with a friend. This is more than enough for me.”

The older smiled. He told, "I know. Let me get you an ice-cream."

The younger also smiled and said, "That will be great."

The older one went outside and got back with an ice-cream. The younger exclaimed,

“Only one? What about you?”

“Never mind. Have it.”

The younger one told, "No, let's share it."

The older one agreed, because he knew if he refused it wouldn't be accepted. They shared it, it was fun. Then they talked for hours. The older one was comfortable at his place, so he talked a lot. Then he brought a delicious burger from street as their dinner.

Then the boy went to sleep. The older let him sleep in the bed, while he himself arranged to sleep on floor.

The younger asked, "When are you going to sleep?"

The older replied, "I will go to sleep late."

For the two it was like a party. Pleasure doesn’t only lies in being rowdy, having a lot of foods and gifts. As introverts, the two had pure happiness by just having each other by their sides and simple actions. Laughing together, walking together, sharing meals. These were the sources of their happiness.

4.

The boy was absent for a few days.

Since they first met, the younger one never skipped class, not even when he was having a hard time. So the older one was worried. He also understood that the boy finally took a place in his life.

Finally the younger one showed up after a week. The older one noticed that he didn’t look exactly normal.

He asked, ‘‘Why were you absent?’’

The boy just said, ‘‘I was sick.’’

The older one felt sensed that there was more to it, but he didn't pressed more. He hoped that the boy himself will explain it.

But the younger one didn’t do that. He was pensive and he kept quite almost the whole way. Concerned, the older one asked, ‘‘Are you okay?’’

The boy said, ‘‘No.’’

Then he became silent again. The older didn’t force him, because he could understand that the younger didn’t want to talk about it. Maybe a family affair, he thought.

The boy spoke again, suddenly,

‘‘They said I am going to die within three months.’’

He said it in a calm tone, in the same tone he explained his pains when they first met.

The older one stopped. The words hurt him so bad that he stopped walking. He couldn’t just take it in his head.

He could barely ask one thing, "What happened?"

The boy replied with his head low,

‘‘I am suffering from Leukemia.’’

Still, the older couldn't take it in his head. At that moment he realized that the boy had become a part of his life. How is life gonna be without him? He never thought this. He always thought how the boy was going to live if he disappears someday. Because he knew what he was to that boy. But he didn’t know that the younger was an important person to him, too. He only realized it when he was going to lose him.

The younger was still looking downwards. The older knew that he was crying. He couldn’t imagine the depth of the pain the younger was going through. How much pain does someone go through when he learns that he is going to die?

The older held the younger with one hand. The younger leaned on his shoulder and cried.

That was the first time he let someone lean on him.

5.

The older one regularly visited the younger one when he got admitted to hospital. He was the only friend who visited the boy.

On the first day, he walked all his way to hospital after school. It was tiring. But finally he found the younger’s room. The younger one was looking outside the window, but he was seeing nothing. His eyes were blank. Hearing the older one’s footsteps, he turned his head and genuine happiness reflected on his face.

‘‘You’re tired,’’ he said.

‘‘It’s okay,’’ the older one said. He observed the room and felt a sense of loneliness. The younger must be so lonely here. Even in the last days of his life, he would be lonely.

‘‘Thanks for coming to see me.’’

‘‘No need to thank me. You deserve it.’’

After that day after school, the boy never cried again. He didn’t become pensive again like that day. He tried his best to keep a happy face. He recalled the days when they walked together after school and talked about trivial things.

Another day, he found the boy crying and moaning because of extreme pain.

‘‘Should I call the nurse?’’

The younger just barely nodded, unable to speak. The older one didn't know where to find the nurse, but thankfully the nurse entered before he would go in search of her. Seeing the boy’s condition, she gave him a medication and the boy fell asleep within fifteen minutes.

‘‘Sleeping is the only way he has to get rid of his pain,’’ the nurse said.

That was the day the older one got to see for the first time how much pain the younger was going through.

His condition was getting worse everyday. The older one was afraid that he

wouldn’t be able to see him the next day.

One day the older one said to the younger, ‘‘Thank you, because you are the one who made me realize what love is, which I was about to forget. You reminded me.’’

The younger replied, ‘‘And you made me realize that I belong to the earth. You stayed by my side as a real friend.’’

The older said, " I couldn’t do it all the time. I hurt you so much.... I'm sorry."

The younger replied, "Never mind. You made me happy again. I am always

grateful for that."

After some times he told, "Will you hold my hand?"

The older took his hand. He felt that the hand was weak and burning with fever. The older one’s heart clenched. The younger fell asleep holding his hand.

The boy looked like a child. He is really like a little child, the older one thought. He deserved a better and happier life. He deserved more love. He sighed. Making sure that the younger is asleep, he gently took his hand away and left the room.

It was the last time they met.

6.

Five years later.

He is walking alone in the street. The street which is full of memories. The

street which he took to go to his house after school, along with his only friend.

So many things have changed inside of him. But a lot of things remained unchanged.

He has grown up, still he cannot get along with people. But his perception has changed. He doesn’t hate people that much now. In past years everything seemed bad in his eyes. He hated everything, including himself. He is not like that anymore. He seems to be better now.

He hasn’t gotten new friends, he is still a loner. He still hasn’t forgotten the only friend he had.

Even though he almost never cried for his friend, or doesn’t recall him like people do, the boy is still in his mind. He cherished his memories, and his love.

Even though the boy left him, the love he gave is still with him, and will always be. The change that has happened because of that love will always be with him.

He will never forget his only friend, the first person he ever loved.

1.

They were standing side by side under the setting sun with an awkward silence between them.

She was the one who broke the silence, “I have to tell you something.”

He said in a calm tone, “I know what it is about. I mean, I guess.”

She said in the same calm manner, “Then tell.”

“You are going to leave me today.”

“You are right.” She let out a sigh. “That was what I wanted to tell you.”

Both of them had been thinking about breaking up. But no one dared to say it out loud. Because no matter how hard it seemed to hold onto an almost-broken relationship, breaking up and the things that follow were even more painful. They didn't want to break each other’s heart. But they were unable to carry the burden of the relationship either. Finally, they made their decision, thinking that it might be better for both of them.

He looked at her closely after a long time. Her hairs were flying in the wind.

He asked her, “Are you going to leave right now?” this time there was sadness in his voice.

“I can stay a bit longer, if you insist.”

“Then let’s take a walk together.”

They started walking together, in silence. She took a close look at him after a long time, too. Suddenly, she felt an urge to not to leave, to walk together by his side for a long time. He also wished to hold her hand and walk closer to her. But it was too late for it now.

In the end, they walked as if they were two strangers who happened to bump into each other.

And they walked away from each other like that.

2.

Few years later.

He was sitting at the seashore, alone. The night and the weather reminded him of another night years ago. The night when his lover left him.

He could clearly picture her stray hairs flying in the wind.

He thought, what if they could meet again, and start over? Would everything be alright then?

He answered himself, most probably not.

At the same time, she was walking along the same seashore, thinking the same thing.

They looked around and their eyes met.

They thought, “Should we go to each other?”

Then they thought, no.

Because maybe if they went to each other, they would realize that they had become stranger to each other now. So it was better to look at each other from afar, and say goodbye.

1.

He looks at the mirror for the first time in many years. He can’t remember the last time he looked at himself.

Today he has been released from hospital. He was there for nearly three months. It could’ve been worse, he was supposed to die. He was in the hospital because he had attempted suicide.

He looks at the piece of the paper in his hand once more, even though he read it over and over again in past three months. A sentence is written there, ‘Love yourself.’

Only two words. But so powerful. So powerful that it can completely change a person’s life.

He remembers the day when he read the sentence first.

* * *

After regaining consciousness, he found himself in a hospital bed. His head was still dizzy. He closed his eyes and opened them again.

When his senses returned to normal, he found out a piece of paper under his pillow. He didn’t get who put it there. He brought the paper in front of his eyes and read,

‘Love yourself.’

He was moved by those words. But he couldn’t think about it at that moment much.

Later, he discovered the writings in the other side of the paper. It said,

‘If you’re reading this, that means you’re still alive. You had less chance of survival, but you survived. It means it’s another chance for you. A chance to start over. Try to live properly this time.’

His eyes became wet. He didn’t know who wrote it for him. Friend? He had no friend. Parents? Impossible. Then who?

Maybe the one who brought him to hospital. No matter who, he felt so grateful towards that person and shed tears. And, the words gave him a loud shake.

‘‘I have to live,’’ he told himself.

* * *

He returns to the present. He looks into his eyes in the mirror. His eyes become full of tears and he doesn’t hold back. He bursts into tears.

He never loved himself.

He was just like the others. He hated himself. He hated himself for not being perfect. No one wanted to have him around. Neither family nor friends. He hated himself for being introverted, for being different than others, for suffering from depression.

He never cared for himself. He accepted the false accusations society imposed on him. He thought about himself the same way society taught him to. And in the end, he attempted to kill himself.

He can’t stop tears from flowing after looking into his eyes. They were full of pain and sadness.

He cries thinking how much he hurt himself.

He can’t stay standing anymore. He sinks down on the bathroom floor. He places his head on knees and let tears flow.

After crying for a while he becomes calm and stands up again. He looks into his eyes again and remembered those words once more, ‘It’s another chance for you. A chance to start over.’

He closes his eyes and says, ‘‘Yes, I’m gonna start my life again. I’m going to love myself.’’

He opens his eyes and places one hand on another. He says to himself,

‘‘I won’t lose you anymore.’’ His lips trembled. ‘‘I’m sorry for all the wrong things I did to you, this time we’re going to start over. Everything will be alright.’’

He feels a bit better after saying those words. He feels something he never felt before. He hopes everything will be alright, for real.

2.

The day he went to school first after being released from hospital, everyone was surprised. He just sighed and went to his seat.

One of his classmates asked, ‘‘So, are you alright now?’’

He just shook his head affirmatively. He could feel everyone’s gaze on him. He could hear them talking about him in a low voice.

When the teacher entered the class, at first she didn’t notice him. When she finally noticed, she told, ‘‘Oh, you’re back.’’ Again, he just nodded. Most of the teachers reacted the same way.

Everyone thought that he won’t come back. That was normal. If things went as planned, he wouldn’t really come back.

But sometimes things don’t go as planned and that’s better.

That day, he went out from classroom during tiffin break, which he didn’t do earlier. He didn’t because he didn’t want to bump into people. But that day, he didn’t care. For the first time in the life, he decided to fight with his negative feelings and not to give in.

That was the day he realized the fact that he is loved for the first time. He was just too blind to see that.

Love is always complicated. Self-love is no different.

First step feels easy. Second one is harder than the first one. Third one is even harder. Sometimes you will feel like giving up. Especially when society is against you – or you feel so. Even when you do your best, society will tell you to do better. And when you stumble or fall down, they won’t help you. They will tell you about your wrongdoings, regardless of what you are going through. Society always wants perfection, even though nobody is perfect.

Love doesn’t care about perfection or mistake. When we love someone, no matter how faulty that person is, we always unconditionally accept that one. Simply because it’s him or her. The concept of loving yourself is just that. Giving yourself the same love you give others, and the same love you get from others.

Once you reach a stage of loving yourself, you will discover not only the beauty in you but also other people. That’s why it’s told that, ‘‘True love begins with loving yourself.’’

Slowly, he can feel the change inside of him.

He used to hate his classmates.

For him there was no reason not to hate them. They hated him and criticized him, and he hated them back.

At first he thought, ‘‘Why are they like this? Why do they do this to me?’’

And eventually he started to hate them too.

Now that he has started loving himself, he has stopped hating themselves too. He realizes that some of his feelings were exaggerated, and at some places he can just be a little more considerate and forgiving.

He can’t change their minds, but he can change his own mindset.

Now he suffers from depression less often. He is discovering the beautiful side of him, the side he never knew about before. A side about which no one told him.

Still, there are a lot of people who loves him no matter how imperfect he is. They love him because it’s him. And, now he is going to be one of those persons.

3.

Life is beautiful.

Life is beautiful when you see everything through the eyes of love.

The wonder of living is more beautiful than anything else. Once you realize that, you will feel like everyday has a surprise and every single day is exceptionally beautiful. If you learn to enjoy the little things, life becomes beautiful. If you can accept reality, life is beautiful.

All his life he always thought about the bad things that was happening with him, that he had no friends, he felt unloved and uncared, and the world seemed so mean. He ended up suffering from depression.

Now that he is trying to take the wheel of his happiness in his hands, he is slowly remembering things that he used to like before depression. He liked getting wet in rain. He loved playing guitar. He liked listening to music. Doodling in class exercise book with the fear of getting caught by teacher, looking outside the window and predicting how the weather is going to be, looking at the evening sky were some other things he enjoyed. He took those things for granted, but actually those things created the most beautiful moments of his life. His most beautiful moments of life wasn’t hanging out with friends or celebrating something. His most beautiful moments of life was these alone times. He didn’t realize it until he fell into depression.

Nowadays, he is starting to do these things again.

So one afternoon he took his guitar after a long time. Dust has covered it in these years. He cleaned it and started to play a melody. When his finger interacted with guitar strings, he felt a different kind of joy. He closed his eyes and lost into another world.

He got out of house to have a walk at that night. Walking was one of his hobbies. Especially when it was night and people usually stayed at their homes. He enjoyed the nightscapes, the breeze of night, chirping of crickets.

Before entering his house, he approached the Shiuli tree he planted. There were so many flowers under the tree. He picked them up and smelt. The fragrance took him to a different world.

He put those flowers on his table and the entire room became fragrant.

He went to sleep with a peaceful heart, these days he can sleep a lot better.

4.

Few years later.

He was in a party. Not really party, it’s kind of a ceremony. Otherwise he wouldn’t have come. He sat in a quiet place and now observing everyone.

At a time like this, someone sat next to him and asked, ‘‘How are you?’’

He was surprised. Rarely someone asks question like this, and the person next to him is a total stranger, three or four years elder than him.

He replied, ‘‘I’m fine. You?’’

The stranger said, ‘‘Hmm, you really seem to be fine... I’m fine, too.’’

He didn’t know the stranger, but the stranger knew him. He went to flashback.

* * *

He saw someone lying on the road. He approached that person. It was a boy, 14 or 15 years old. The boy was unconscious. He tried to feel his pulse. Yes, he was alive. He called an ambulance. Examining him carefully, he realized that the boy tried to take his own life.

While waiting in the hospital waiting room, he wrote something in a piece of paper. If the boy was lucky enough to survive, maybe the words would help him a bit, just the way they helped him.

* * *

He came back to the present. He noticed the boy and realized that he had changed.

He stood up and left. The boy didn’t need to know his identity.

He couldn’t help but think, how powerful the words ‘Love yourself’ are!

1.

They were walking together holding hands. This was the first time for them holding hands.

The girl was excited and euphoric. She felt like she was dreaming. She didn’t want to let go of that hand ever.

But little did she know.... that the other person hated holding hands.

That person didn’t feel good at all. Still, he couldn’t let go of her at that moment. He couldn’t break her heart.

He looked at her face. Her eyes were shining with pure euphoria.

Little did he know... That she felt that euphoria after a long time.

He was the cause of her euphoria, but at that moment she couldn’t imagine that moments later he would be the reason of ruining that euphoria too. How ironic.

After walking for a while, suddenly he let go of her hand. She looked at him but not so surprised.

He said, ‘‘I’m going to leave you.’’

She was shocked. So shocked that she couldn’t say a word. She couldn’t take it in her head.

He said again, ‘‘I’m going to walk away. I can’t do it anymore.’’

After spending nearly three years with that person, the girl knows one thing for sure that even when he makes her feel happy, the next moment he can break her heart. The happiness she feels when with him is so, so transient. She has no way of knowing what will happen next. She can’t predict it. Never.

She finally got back her words. She said, ‘‘I resent meeting you.’’

He stayed quite. She continued, ‘Had we never met, it would be better for both of us.’

He thought the same way as her. Even though both of them made each other happy at times, even though both of them changed each other’s lives, the depth of hurting is undeniable. They couldn’t deny it.

At that moment the girl couldn’t even manage to ask why suddenly he became so desperate to leave. She felt her heart clench.

‘‘I’m sorry,’’ he whispered, ‘‘I’m really sorry for breaking your heart. But I have no other choice but to let go. It’s better for both of us.’’

‘I understand,’ she spoke almost inaudibly. ‘I’m sorry for all things went wrong with you because of me.’

He came closer and again whispered, ‘Please, be happy. You’ll meet better people than me. Who will love you more than me.’

She silently screamed, ‘I don’t want anyone but you, I want to be with you just because it’s you.’ But she couldn’t manage to say those words.

At that moment she wished to hold him tight, begging him not to leave. But she couldn’t do that. Maybe if she did it, it would start another chapter of the painful seesaw game they were playing for three years. She knew very well that it would make another scar in his heart, and also in her heart.

That night she couldn’t sleep. His words, his memories kept haunting and tormenting her all night.

She was thinking not only about herself, but also him. She thought, ‘Who’s going to love you like I did? How lonely you will be!’ She couldn’t take it in heart, she couldn’t think of how much pain he endured. And she added more burdens on him, even though she tried her best to help him.

‘I’m sorry, but it’s not my fault. It’s not your fault either. It’s just... Our destiny.’ She closed her eyes and prayed for him, prayed that someday he would find someone who would understand him, and still love him.

And him? He felt released. He had to go through so much pain and problems at that time, and she was the only cause of pain he could let go of. He didn’t know whether it would make him happier or lonelier. Probably both. Still, he slept in peace that night.

2.

The girl’s P.O.V.

I am so lonely.

I have felt loneliness ever since I was a child.

I feel abandoned.

But it’s not that I always feel like that. These are thoughts which come to my mind when I experience loneliness.

I felt estranged and abandoned from time to time.

This is how my life was going on. Everything was fine, I got used to my solitary life. I finished school, college and got admitted to university.

That’s when I bumped into him and my life turned upside down.

Someone said, ‘Being alone from the start is okay. But being alone after being with someone... I don’t want to experience that again.’

That’s my case.

There are some days when I really need someone by my side. I am a quite person and don’t find topics to talk about, but in those times I want someone to just hold me quietly. I need someone to caress me on nights I can’t fall asleep. I need someone who won’t get annoyed if I wake that person up at the middle of night when I am sick. I need someone to whom I can rant my problems without hesitation. I need someone who won’t make me feel like I am a burden.

I thought he would be that one of my life. But, no.

Still, after all these happened, there is one thing I’m grateful for to him. I have learned what love is because of him. Even though, he himself couldn’t feel it.

The boy’s P.O.V.

I have no friends since school life. Now I don’t even know how friendship feels like. I had to transfer schools several times. Because of that, I lost touch with my friends and in the new schools I find it hard to make new friends. At first, it hurt. But eventually I became emotionally numb.

I didn’t get to know how it feels like to fall in love.

Being in a relationship without love is one of the worst things in the world.

When you’re in love, you can be selfless without any efforts. But if you don’t really love a person, but care for that one, that hurts even more.

The scars in my hearts were almost incurable. I didn’t learn to love myself. All along I believed that I was pathetic.

Little by little I realized that I had become a person with whom people couldn’t get along and I couldn’t get along with people. I became afraid of being honest towards people. I was turning into an unsociable person.

At that time, I met that girl. The first person who fell in love in me. My heart which was craving for love, accepted her. But I was no longer a person who has the ability of being with someone. The girl was emotionally demanding, when I was someone who doesn’t know much about feelings. No, actually I know. But I don’t have them. I couldn’t take care of her while suffocating with my own problems, and she was too immature to help me. Still, I did my best to go on with the relationship. Not much for me, but for her. But in the end I couldn’t. I had no other choice but breaking her heart and walk away.

In the end, I am left alone again.

3.

2017.

It was the year when they first met.

They became friends on the first day of their meeting.

They used to talk about topics like books, philosophy and literature. They were like that for the first year of their relationship. It was like a formal friendship.

Somehow, they shared similarities. Both of them are readers. He was a thoughtful person, an ideal type she would love – or so she thought. So, she started developing feelings for him. He had feelings for her too, but not the kind of feelings she had for him.

In the second year, little by little she started to talk about her personal things and feelings. At first he didn’t talk about personal topics much, but at a point he started too. Because he needed to express his emotions too. Their relationship was turning into a personal one – and the problem began.

Being with her wasn’t easy because she was emotionally demanding.

Being with him wasn’t easy because he was impossible to understand.

Their love was as fragile as butterfly, or house of cards. It was like seesaw, high up at one moment and down the next minute. It was more painful than love should be.

Still, if she was given one more chance, she would still go back to him. This is how love is.

In most of the cases, when two people break up, they eventually start to have bad feelings about each other, hate each other. Maybe it happens because they end up with a fight.

For the boy and the girl, the thing is different. They let go of each other because they actually cared for each other. The girl still loves him, even though her feelings are fading. And the boy, he is trying to start everything over.

The girl thinks over and over again, ‘‘Why didn’t our relationship work out?’’

It’s actually no one’s fault. It’s not that they couldn’t accept each other. What they couldn’t accept was – each other’s realities.

They had to part ways because they were from different realities. The girl struggled a lot but she is still like a child, she had the dream of an ideal love. But he gave her a loud shake and woke her up from that dream, making her realize that not every love story has a happy ending. And unfortunately, the story they were living was one of those not-happily-ended story.

He was so cold and she was too warm for him. The harsh reality made him cold, and the girl didn’t have enough maturity to deal with such a person and his life. She can’t be blamed for being so. The only thing the girl could do was to love him, to promise him that she would always be there, to only listen but do nothing to help him. But, he needed something more than love which the girl lacked.

In the end, both of them are lonely, but still they are unable to comfort each other’s loneliness.

4.

Her p.o.v.

Sometimes, I can go on with my life without having a single thought about him. In those times, I think that I’m fine.

But there are also times when I can’t stand it. I can’t bear the thought that he has left me and he will never come back to me again. It hurts so much. My anger and hatred towards him pile up. I resent him.

To this day, I can’t bring myself to say that I have to go on the rest of my life without him, that we have parted ways and he will never come back to me again. I keep lying to myself that maybe one day he will change his mind and come back. When someone asks me about him, I pretend that everything is fine between us, or we just don’t communicate with each other often.

Why are you hurting yourself so much for someone who caused you more pain than happiness?

I ask myself.

Because I still love him. That’s how love works.

But I know that I should let go.

Sometimes letting go is the best choice for both sides.

I have to erase him, and admit the truth. I have to stop hurting myself and holding onto a rootless hope. I must move on.

5.

Maybe someday we’ll meet again.

That’s what they thought. Deep inside they still wished to meet each other one more time. They couldn’t erase each other from their life. They didn’t want to.

One day, their wish came true.

It would be truer if I say her wish, because she was the one who wanted to see him more. Even though he was the one who said, ‘Maybe someday we’ll meet again,’ he didn’t really wish to see her. But his subconscious wanted to.

So, they finally met without any plan. They just bumped into each other.

They looked at each other for a long while. Finally, she spoke.

‘‘I think I have finally got over you.’’

The look in his eyes was unreadable. She said again, ‘‘Aren’t you happy now?’’

‘‘Yes, I wanted you to move on. I know how much I meant to you. I know how much you loved me. But sometimes the person you want doesn’t deserve you. I don’t deserve to be with you. You belong with better people. I have changed a lot, but I still don’t want us to be together.’’

‘‘Neither do I.’’

Her heart clenched and she found herself at a loss of words.

‘‘Before we part ways, please grant my one last wish. I know how much you will hate it, but please... One last time,’’ she said.

‘‘Okay,’’ he sighed.

She came closer and hugged him. For the first time in the life and for the last time too. She knew that when she let go of him, he would disappear forever this time – from her life. She wished to hug him for a long time, even before their breakup. But she was too afraid to do it. Now, she had no fear.

To her surprise, he hugged her back.

Are you doing it for me, or for you? She thought to herself.

You will never know what feelings you caused me. I hated those feelings, but you made me feel them. That’s why I left you. Even now. He thought.

Finally, they let go of each other. And without any more words, they turned around and walked away from each other.

1.

2017.

The teacher was talking about dream that day, asking the students one by one what their dream was.

One of them said,

‘‘My dream is to be a psychiatrist.’’

‘‘That is an exceptional one. Do you want to share why you want to be a psychiatrist?’’

The boy took a deep breath and said something unexpected.

‘‘My best friend had mental health problems. But he never got proper counselling or treatment. Finally, he ended up dying a premature death. Although I tried my best, I couldn’t help him. That’s when I decided to be a psychiatrist, so that I can help some people when they need it, so that I can help them to live a better life...’’

The teacher was surprised. He only said,

‘‘I appreciate your love for your friend and the fact that you care about helping people. I wish that you will be able to fulfil your dream.’’

He meant it.

2.

2012.

‘‘Hey, are you sick? Should I call any teacher?’’

‘‘Just leave me alone.’’

‘‘Can I help you?’’

‘‘I told you to just leave me alone!’’

He wasn’t willing to leave his new friend alone, who was visibly unwell. His hands were trembling and he was heavily breathing.

He said, ‘‘Fine, I will wait for you for five minutes then. If you are still sick by then, I will take steps.’’ Then he left without giving a chance for the other to speak or protest.

After exactly five minutes, he arrived and saw his friend in a calmer state. He was breathing normally. He sat beside him and asked, ‘‘What happened to you?’’

‘‘It is called a panic attack.’’

‘‘Panic attack? What panicked you all on a sudden?’’

‘‘It’s nothing like that. It’s... A mental disorder.’’

He was surprised, as mental disorder was something so alien to him at that age. His friend spoke again,

‘‘Will you tell everyone in the class about it now?’’

‘‘Why will I?’’

‘‘Will you still be my friend, when you know that I have a mental disorder?’’

It was a question that could hit so hard. When he looked into his friend’s eyes, he saw a different person. He didn't know him for long. The boy got admitted to their school a week ago and he seemed quiet, cold and indifferent, who didn't show his emotions and found it hard to get along with others. The only person who befriended with that new student was him. Now, his eyes were full of loneliness, lost feelings and tears. Seeing those eyes, he didn't hesitate for a moment. Instead of saying any word, he pulled the boy into a hug.

He was not a person who was good with words, and his friend was in a state where words weren’t enough to comfort him. If he said words like, ‘‘I will be your friend.’’, ‘‘I will always be there for you.’’, ‘‘I won’t leave you.’’ There was a high probability that the boy wouldn’t believe them. It would sound like a cliché. But that embrace was enough and much stronger than words. It showed genuine care.

His friend buried his face into the other one’s shoulder, and his tears started flowing. He felt the teardrops on his shoulder.

‘‘I’m in so much pain, I can’t take it anymore. Please don’t leave me alone after being my friend. It hurts so much.’’

‘‘There is nothing wrong with having panic attacks. It will never get into our way of being friends,’’ he whispered, running his fingers through his friend’s hair as an act of comforting.

For his friend, it was his first time opening up to someone. He was so afraid to express his feelings to someone. He was afraid that he would burden them. But that day, he just couldn’t keep it to himself anymore.

And that was the day both of the boys formed an unbreakable bond.

A bond which even death cannot break.

3.

2013.

After being absent for one day, his friend showed up. It was his first time being absent after getting admitted to that school.

He understood that his friend wasn’t fine. The boy’s eyes were reddish, there was a cut on his lower lip and he looked so tired.

‘‘What happened?’’ He asked in a worried tone.

‘‘Don't ask me, please. I don’t want to remember that.’’

They didn't say anything more about that matter.

At tiffin period, they went to their hideout – the place where he first found his friend having a panic attack. His friend lay down on his lap and closed his eyes. It seemed like he wanted to sleep.

‘‘I didn't sleep a wink last night,’’ his friend said after some moments, with eyes still closed.

That's why his eyes were that red, he thought to himself. But how did he hurt his lip? Who hurt him like that?

‘‘I am going through a lot,’’ his friend said, as if he sensed his silent question.

He caressed his friend’s hair. Seeing his friend like that made him feel sad. What’s going on with him?

Suddenly, his friend opened his eyes and said, ‘‘I’m so afraid.’’

‘‘Why?’’

‘‘I’m afraid that in the end, you will leave me too.’’

He didn’t say anything, he just held his friend’s hand in reply, to assure him that he wouldn’t leave.

His friend continued, ‘‘When someone becomes so nice to me, I become so afraid. I fear that I will lose that person. I feel like that person is too precious for someone like me and it won’t last. I am afraid to discuss my personal matters with someone. I am afraid to lean on someone. Maybe I am too much for that someone. Maybe I am burdening that person. ’’

He finally spoke, ‘‘Don't worry. You aren’t burdening someone. I will stay with you as long as life allows me to, so please don’t worry.’’

‘‘Please be honest with me, are you really staying with me because you like me, or is it just because you feel like it’s your responsibility to do so?’’

It was a question that hit really hard. But he had the right answer.

‘‘It’s because you are my friend, and I really like you. Why wouldn’t I?’’

‘‘I know that I am not a good friend. In fact I am so self-centred and dull.’’

‘‘You are the only person who doesn’t make me feel like I am a horrible friend. Do you know how many friends I had earlier? Have you noticed that I have no friend now? Every single one of them left me, and said on my face that I am an awful friend and there is no reason to befriend with someone like me. But you...’’ He paused for a moment and continued, ‘‘You’re different.’’

‘‘People say that I’m so mean and cold.’’ His friend said.

‘‘But you are not. You are a nice person.’’

‘‘Do you mean it?’’

‘‘I mean it. Trust me.’’

Maybe towards any other person in the world they were really cold and mean. But to each other, they were best friends.

It was because they only returned the behaviour they got.

* * *

‘‘It’s so beautiful!’’ His friend exclaimed.

‘‘Do you like it?’’ The other boy asked.

‘‘I love it so much.’’

They went to an empty land which was previously a park. Now it had turned into an abandoned natural park.

‘‘I never knew trees look this beautiful,’’ His friend said.

He looked at his friend closely. The boy looked happier, or maybe the more appropriate term would be peaceful. The place was really beautiful. The place was surrounded by big trees. Leaves were falling from trees, looked like it was raining.

‘‘Can you feel the scent?’’ His friend spoke again.

‘‘What scent?’’

‘‘The smell of nature... Scent of the wind, the trees, the grass, the soil. You have to feel it with your entire body.’’

He tried to feel it, and he realized that his friend was right. It wasn’t merely a smell actually, it was more like a feeling. The feeling of nature.

They kept walking, stepping on the wet grass and dead leaves under their feet.

‘‘You know what... I am feeling like I’m in a dream. I feel like panic attacks and horrible family environment don’t exist; only me, you, the nature and good feelings are the only real things.’’

But you have to wake up from this dream. Good feelings are like dreams, and bad feelings are like never-ending reality.

2014.

‘‘They say that if you repeatedly think of dying, you should consult with a counsellor or psychiatrist,’’ His friend said. ‘‘I think about dying every single day.’’

‘‘That sounds scary. What makes you feel that way?’’

‘‘My family. The chronic uncomfortable weather of my house. Thinking about going to that place and face my parents again makes me want to die. When I am at school, with you, I feel much better. But at my house, every moment feels too heavy to live.’’

Now he understood what his friend was going through little by little, the reason behind his panic attacks and getting hurt. He tried his best to comfort his friend, but how much he could do? After all, he was just a teenager and not a counsellor. The only thing he could do was staying with him and listening to him.

‘‘Death isn’t a solution. I don’t know what the solution of your problem is, but at least I know for certain that it isn’t death.’’

‘‘By the way, what do you do when you want to escape from reality?’’

‘‘Me? I either read a book full of strong emotions, or watch a drama or movie.’’

‘‘I listen to music at times like that. I plug in my earphones and cut off with the world. Nothing can touch me then.’’

‘‘Oh, what’s your favourite song?’’

‘‘This one-’’ His friend took out his phone and showed a song. It’s Breathe by Lee Hi. ‘‘It’s as if the songwriter wrote this for me. Well, it’s partially true. The songwriter himself suffered from depression. He passed away in 2017.’’

‘‘Oh, what happened to him?’’

‘‘He committed suicide,’’ His friend said with a sigh.

4.

2015.

He was walking in the train station, a few steps behind from his parents.

‘‘Hey,’’ A familiar voice called him. He turned his head and saw his friend. The boy looked exceptional that day, he was wearing a black coat he never wore at school.

They started walking side to side, holding hands.

‘‘Will you come back?’’ His friend asked, tried his best to hide his anxiety about the fact.

‘‘I’m not sure, to be honest there is more probability of not coming back. But don’t worry, I will visit you whenever I will get any vacation.’’

His friend’s face fell, the other boy could understand his feelings. They held each other’s hands tighter, not wanting to let go.

‘‘I guess I am not destined to have the friends I made,’’ His friend said with deep sadness in his voice.

‘‘The same thing goes for me,’’ He sighed. ‘‘But I won’t let you go. I will check out on you everyday.’’

‘‘They say that long distance relationship is hard. Who is going to hold me now when I will suffer a crisis?’’

He couldn’t answer the question.

‘‘Whatever, let’s not be sad now. Let’s say goodbye with a smile. As it’s our last day together for a long time, let’s live it properly, ’’ His friend said.

‘‘You are right. Let’s end the day properly.’’

So they walked together holding hands, and they changed the topic of their conversation. They talked about how happy and grateful they were when they got each other by their side, they recalled the happy memories, times when they laughed together.

They reached his parents. His mother said, ‘‘It must be hard for you guys to part ways. Don't worry, we will visit you whenever we get time. You see, we had no other choice.’’

‘‘It’s okay,’’ His friend said, ‘‘We’ll be fine.’’

The other boy let out a long sigh, knowing how his friend really felt.

‘‘Whenever you feel unwell, don’t hesitate for a moment and reach out, okay?’’ He said.

‘‘But you won’t be able to hold me anymore,’’ His friend reminded him.

‘‘You are right. But at least I can listen to you, right?’’

His parents called him, ‘‘The train is here.’’

They finally let go of each other’s hand. He said, ‘‘Take care.’’

‘‘I will. Goodbye.’’

And he got into the train with his parents. He could see through the window that his friend was still standing in the platform, with a vacant look in his eyes.

They didn't know that it would be the last time they would see each other.

His father had transferred in the beginning of this year, so they had to move. He had to leave his friend alone, even though he never wanted to.

He missed his friend so much after moving on.

He missed their simple acts of friendship.

* * *

As soon as his friend entered the class, he screamed, ‘‘You sat there again!’’

He giggled, ‘‘I told you the condition, if you can come earlier than me then you will can sit beside window.’’

‘‘You made that deal because you know that I can never come earlier than you. It’s unfair.’’

He was still giggling. His friend pretended to be angry.

‘‘Hey, have you done the math homework?’’ His friend asked.

‘‘Yes, I have.’’

‘‘Give it to me.’’

‘‘Why didn't you do it?’’

‘‘I was too tired yesterday. It was a horrible day...’’

He handed his homework to his friend.

It was physics class.

His friend said, ‘‘Hey, I am feeling so sleepy. I am going to get some sleep. You look out for the teacher and wake me up when he seems to notice me, okay?’’

He nodded, ‘‘Okay.’’

His friend leaned on him and closed his eyes. Meanwhile, he was keeping a eye on the teacher. Fortunately, they didn't get caught.

‘‘Can you please take my classnotes for me? I have no energy left in my body to write anymore.’’

He never disagreed to do things like that. He took his own classnotes, and his friend’s notes too, while his friend doodled on his exercise book.

It was so natural between them.

They didn't do grandiose things together. These trivial things were their signs of caring.

Now no one waits or looks for him in class.

No one to share his homeworks or tiffin with.

No one to lean on him.

5.

2016.

He was so worried about his friend.

The boy wasn’t responding to his texts or calls for almost a week. From yesterday, his phone was switched off.

Even though he didn't know much about mental health problems or their consequences and he wasn’t mature enough to understand the depth of his friend’s problem, he started to worry about his friend from the day the boy confessed his wish to die. Now, he was worrying even more as he couldn’t be there for him.

He wished to go and see his friend, but he was unable to do so because of various circumstances.

Finally, after ten days, he was finally able to reach his friend. He let out a relieved breath when he finally heard the boy’s voice.

‘‘Hey, what happened? I was worried sick for you.’’

‘‘I’m going through a really hard time.’’

Hearing his friend’s voice, his heart sank. He could understand that the boy was clearly not well.

‘‘What’s wrong?’’’

‘‘I can’t tell you everything over phone. It would be best if you were here.’’

Whenever his friend said that he was having a hard time over the phone, he felt at a loss as he could do nothing for his friend. He wanted to go and hold him, tell him feel that he was still there, but he couldn’t.

‘‘I feel so lonely. I want to see you. When will you come here?’’

‘‘On the upcoming days, there is no vacation. Academic stress is eating up all my time. Still, do you need me to come? Then I will take a three-day-leave and go see you.’’

‘‘No need.’’

That was their last phone call.

The next day, he got the news that his friend was gone. The boy committed suicide.

He didn't want to remember that day ever again. In fact, the details were blurry to him.

Why did you forbid me to come? Why?

I should’ve gone. I should have realized that he needed me. I should have not left him alone at his worst time. At least I would be able to see him alive for one more time if I visited him at that time.

He kept regretting that.

The only thing he remembered was the yellow sky. Both of them loved when on some days, the sky turned golden at the twilight. Whenever his friend saw that sky, he always texted him, ‘‘Have you seen the yellow sky?’’

On the day of his friend’s funeral, the sky was golden.

But that boy will never see that again.

From that day on, no one would text him that.

When he boarded the train again to return to the city where his family lived, he looked at the platform. But that day, no one was standing there for him.

He was instantly reminded of his friend, and the tears that he held back for so long, finally started flowing.

6.

2030.

He is driving to home after finishing work for today. In the car, the song Breathe by Lee Hi is playing. It was his best friend’s favourite song, who used to listen to it after suffering from a panic attack every time. After seeing the lyrics he understood why his friend loved that song. It is such a comfort song, especially for people like his best friend who suffered so much inside.

’’Take a deep breath

Until both sides of your heart get numb

Until it hurts a little

Let out your breath even more

Until you feel

Like there's nothing left inside

It's alright if you run out of breath

No one will blame you

It's okay to make mistakes sometimes

Because anyone can do so

Although saying "It's alright" is comforting

They're just words.’’

Today, he met a patient who was about 18 years old. He had the same look in his eyes as his friend. Everyday, he meets at least one person who has that look in eyes. But as for that particular boy, he was even the same age.

That is why he has taken up this profession. He wants to understand more what his friend went through, and he wants to help those people who are like him. He wants to heal their wounds, stay by their side and try to stop them from falling apart. He wants to make their life better.

After coming back home and getting washed up, he opens his drawer and there is an envelope. Inside it, there are two photos. Two copies of one picture. Now both of them belong to him.

In the photos, he and his friend were sitting beside each other, hand in hand, genuine happiness reflected on the latter’s face. That boy looked so young and bright.

In the other side of those photos, they wrote something.

In his friend’s copy, he wrote, ‘‘I wish that you will be happier.’’

In his copy, his friend wrote, ‘‘I love you so much, my friend.’’

Seeing that, tears started streaming down his face. It’s been ten years, he is a grown-up now. But he still can’t stop tearing up when he sees this writing.

He can clearly remember that day. It was the only photo they ever took together. It was this day, sixteen years ago.

He lies on his bed and closes his eyes. The image in his head becomes vivid and clear.

The boy in front of him hasn’t changed a bit. He looks just like the last time he saw the boy alive. His age frozen at 18. He still has those deep and dark eyes.

‘‘Hey,’’ the boy starts, ‘‘I’m so sorry.’’

‘‘Why are you sorry? I am the one who should be sorry.’’

‘‘For what?’’

‘‘For not being able to save you.’’

‘‘It’s not your fault. You did well. You are the only person who accepted me with my mental illness. It’s my fault that I couldn’t hold on, it’s my family’s fault who made me this way and who never treated me well, it’s my classmates’ fault who bullied me once. But it’s never your fault. You are my best friend. My life became too shitty to live on. You are not to blame for that.’’

They remain silent for a while. Then the boy asks,

‘‘How have you been?’’

‘‘Well... I don’t know. Sometimes I feel okay and life is going on. But I live in regret. I think about you every single day. I think how it would be if you were still alive.’’

The other one says nothing, he only put his hands on his best friend’s hand.

His friend calls him, ‘‘Hey.’’

‘‘What?’’

‘‘Come here, I will give you a hug.’’

His friend leans over him, who gives him a warm embrace. He can feel his breathing, his heartbeat, and the sense of comfort he felt.

‘‘I wish I could give you one hug like this before you left. I couldn’t be there in your last days, and I feel so sorry.’’

When he opens his eyes again, it is an empty room. It was all in his head, and he knew it.