Behind The Scene

1.

She wakes up when the sunlight reached directly on her face. Every morning the sun wakes her up this way. She doesn’t need an alarm.

After getting washed up, she makes herself a cup of tea. Tea is her most favourite drink. She wants to start her day with something she loves and drinking tea is the best way for that. The warmth of tea makes her feel happy.

She checks her phone and sees a text, ‘‘Good morning. You okay?’’. She smiles. Even if the world turns upside down, there are some persons who will always care about her. First, her family. Second, her best friend, Luna, who never forgets to check out on her. And if her answer is negative, Luna will try every possible way to make her smile. Sometimes it makes her impatient.

She opens the window and sits beside it. She feels the spring breeze and inhales the scent of spring. It takes her to another world. Spring is her favourite season. Looking through the window, she sees the trees full of various colours in the midst of the gray and white city.

Today, she wants to rest a bit without having any workload. It’s true that she loves writing, but sometimes it feels as tiring as work. Today is one of those days. So she spends her day reading, looking outside and thinking. It’s a plus point for her. She can observe holiday whenever she wants or feel like so.

Life is beautiful, she thinks.

There are happiness and sadness, success and trials, hope and despair. But overall, life is beautiful.

Even to people like her, who feels lonely and empty every single day, life is beautiful.

2.

People say that she is really lucky, because she is living the life she wanted to live, she has a chance of working on her passion and dream. Especially her friends always say this, as most of them couldn’t fulfil their dreams, because of their parents or the harsh reality.

To most of the people, fulfilling dreams and working on passion means a successful and happy life. In that way, she is definitely happy.

But reality is different. Happiness is so much more than that.

When she was younger, she used to think that sharing love is all that matters, that is the meaning of human existence.

When she was younger, she never thought of being a writer or something like that. Sometimes she daydreamed of being someone so special, but that was only daydream and she knew that. She was just an ordinary girl, and writing was just her hobby.

She dreamed of a simple and decent life, with her parents and someone she would love. She dreamed of giving that person unconditional love, have a child and raise that child with all her time and love, and pass her free time by reading as much book as she can, and sometimes she may write too. Often they would go on trips to beautiful places, which can bound them together tighter. In short, you can say that her aim in life was to love and to be loved. That is the definition of happiness to her.

But she ends up being a writer, dedicating almost all her time to write.

It isn’t bad, it may not seem so. But, if you have a deeper look into her life, you will be able to realize that she doesn’t deserve this kind of life.

It was ten years ago, when suddenly she started to change. She didn’t smile often like she used to, she started interacting less with people, spending most of the time in her room, reading and writing.

She wasn’t an outgoing person, but she was warm towards her friends. It was until that time when she fell into a depressive state of mind, and that was when she started feeling that no one truly cares for her except for family. She started drifting away from peers, stopped calling and texting them and planned to reject if they call her. But no one called her or checked out why she was like that, so she didn’t even get the chance to reject them. In reality she couldn’t reject them, but as years passed, she eventually formed a rejecting mindset and became even more introverted. But in the end, there was someone who was different than others. It was her best friend. She was there all the time and she is still her best friend.

That was when she turned to writing. She started expressing her feelings in a piece of paper. And she published them in different platform. She didn’t become famous, but her readers appreciated and encouraged her enough to continue on with her writing.

People say that she is really a good and passionate writer.

But in personal life, she is a cold person, quiet and introverted.

She is alone.

She spends most of her time sitting in her desk in front of a computer or lying in her bed with a book.

No one can see how much pain she endured.

No one can see her loneliness.

3.

’’I didn’t want this kind of life.

I feel lonely everyday.

I feel depressed so often.

I never thought my life would be like this, but this is how things turned out. My young, immature and childish persona is gone, and now I have become a mature adult who has to look after herself.

In school, my peers said that I’m indifferent, that I have no interest in the world. It’s true. That’s why I didn’t have many friends. That didn’t bother me. I was a bookworm (I still am), and books are my friends in real sense. They never abandon me.

I have another comfort zone, that’s writing. On the days I feel lonely, on nights I can’t fall asleep, I vent my feelings on a paper.

I write to express myself.

My writings are just my feelings. The way I see the world reflects in my writing. My pains are captured into my writings. They are parts of my soul. That’s all.

I wasn’t a writer when I was happy, I became a writer when I became completely alone, lost people from my life and separated from the society.

My writings aren’t my talents or achievements. They are the fruit of my endless pain and loneliness.

I wish I could go back to the world I was in when I was a child, a world of warmth and love. Now the world around me is cold and lonely. So do I.

I didn’t want a life like this. I wanted a warmer and happier life.

I need someone by my side. I thought I could live without someone by my side. Yes, I can live like that, but now I know that my life is incomplete. Someone is missing from my life. I am a human being after all and human being cannot live alone. That’s why those who live alone like me eventually become a cold one.

I just need someone to lean on, to comfort my loneliness, someone to melt my frozen heart.

I just want my life to be complete and be happier.’’

On a sleepless night after a depressing day, she wrote these down in her diary.

4.

In the end of a day, she plugs in her earphone and closes her eyes. She really loves music. With that, she cuts off with the world and transport into another world. A familiar voice whispers in her ears while she looks at the translated lyrics.

’’Laughing together, crying together

I guess those simple emotions were everything to me

When will the day come?

When I meet you again

I will look into your eyes and tell you

I missed you.’’

Tears stream down her face. Every time she listens to this song, she cries.

‘‘You’re still with me, aren’t you? You are still alive in my memories. You’re in my every single day.’’ Her heart aches. She feels a familiar pain.

It was ten years ago when she lost her first love.

She lost him three years after they first met, when both of them were 23.

No, they didn’t break up. She lost him because of a chronic illness he was suffering from.

And that’s when her life turned upside down. She was in a shock and devastated. What’s worse, she had to fight with those feelings all by herself. To this day, she can’t get over the loss.

He was her companion of everything. How can she forget or replace him, or get over his loss?

The loneliness and emptiness she feels is unbearable. Still, she can’t go and find another love.

She just can’t. Even though she promised him to do so. He made her promise that before death.

To this day she misses him so much. She doesn’t cry, she goes on with her everyday life, but she is in pain. She is in so much pain.

In these years, she has become more mature than she was in her entire life. She experienced the darkest days of her life in the first year.

The only thing that keeps her going is, she remembers that he didn’t want her to get lost or lose herself. That’s what keeps her going on with her life.

And life goes on. Now she has become a successful writer, she has got a lot of readers, she is living a decent life, but her life feels empty. She feels empty because she lost a part of her life.

5.

When she was in school and college, teachers kept saying that she must study hard, and be successful, be someone who can make them proud, be a doctor, engineer or someone ‘great’.

She wasn’t a typical good student, but she got good marks. She might be able to be a typical good student, she had the potentials to be so. But, she refused to choose studying over life. She followed her heart. She wanted to succeed by doing something she really wanted to do.

What no one knew was, she was a really good writer. She got her several writings published in some platforms. But no one even knew about that, let alone being proud or applauding.

But she was happy.

Her heart beat when she wrote, she could feel the words and emotions through every line. Writing could take her to an entire different world, different than the one she lives in. She loved the feeling when her fingers danced on the keyboard.

She was happy when her readers told that they were moved by her writings, tears came to her eyes when they said they could connect with her writings. She wasn’t bothered by the fact that people around her doesn’t care. Her passion and her readers were the ones who kept her going.

But she didn’t plan to take writing as her future profession. Firstly, she was afraid to take her passion as work, as there was a chance to get tired and sick of it. Secondly, she couldn’t stick to one thing for long. Her personality was like that.

But deep inside she cherished her dream to be a writer.

And finally it has come true.

But success comes with a price.

If you study deeply, you will find out that every successful person had to pay their price, be it separating from family, losing the chance of living a normal life or losing something valuable.

And she had to pay her price – losing one of the most precious persons in her life and being lonely.

If she could, maybe she would’ve chosen him over success.

But she wasn’t given the chance.

6.

Luna texted her friend, but today she isn’t replying. It’s not a good sign. She even didn’t answer her calls, which is unlike her.

Luna exactly doesn’t know what her friend is up to. But she knows that when she becomes like this, she doesn’t feel well. She has probably locked herself in her room, doing nothing or she has disappeared. On these days, no one can know about her whereabouts. No one knows where she goes.

Luna let out a sigh. At first, she thought she could comfort her. Even at school, she felt so distant. She was lonely, Luna couldn’t pull her closer. She kept that distance on purpose. And then she fell in love, Luna was happy to see her friend being happier than ever.

But that happiness was so transient. Years later, Luna found her friend as lonely and depressed as she was in school, and just like back then, she could do nothing but stay with her.

* * *

There are days when loneliness becomes unbearable for her. On these days, she feels like doing nothing. Nothing can make her feel good. The pain of loneliness stuck in her heart. In these days, she cuts off connection with everything and stay trapped in her own world.

Now she is walking in the night, mindlessly, without knowing her destination. She is still feeling extremely lonely, and no one else can comfort her loneliness right now except for one person.

But that person is gone. And that is the reason of her loneliness.

She didn’t tie up her hairs, they are flying and strides of hair fall on her face. Her hair is pretty long. The night breeze caresses her gently, as if to comfort her loneliness.

She keeps thinking about him, she remembers every little details of him. His voice, his smile, the memories they made together, times when they fought, got hurt by each other and reconciled again, the simple but never ending love they gave each other...

Even though she had no specific plan, after walking for a while she finds herself in front of his home. No, it isn’t his home. It was a rented room, he lived there. Now the place is rented by someone else, she can tell that by seeing the lights.

She sighs. Life goes on. Even his place is rented by someone else. The pain, the absence she feels every day, the memories are the only traces of him. Her heart is the place where he can never be replaced.

She has to go on with her life every day, pretending like nothing has happened and she is fine. She has to go on with the unbearable heavy feeling in her heart, her face where no trace of smile can be seen, and her eyes which are almost expressionless.

She looks up. It’s raining.

7.

In one evening, she was seen to be preparing to go out. She was going to have a meet-up with an admirer of her writings. He was not only admirer of her writings, but also of her. And she was aware of this fact.

She arrived on time, they sat face to face in a restaurant and ordered foods.

After some moments of silence, he said, ‘‘There is something I want to tell you.’’

‘‘Say it.’’

‘‘I- I really like you a lot.’’

She gave a strange smile, and said, ‘‘I’m sorry, but let me tell you this before you go any far – I’m engaged.’’

He was surprised, and he also noticed that there was no engagement ring. As if she could read his mind, she said with that strange smile, ‘‘Actually I meant that I am in love with someone else.’’

It was still a bit surprising to him, she is 33 now, she has someone she loves but why is she still unmarried? This time she also replied before he asked the question, ‘‘The person I love is...’’ she stopped for a moment to pick the right word, ‘‘Gone.’’

‘‘Gone?’’ He asked, surprised.

‘‘Yes, gone,’’ she wasn’t smiling anymore.

‘‘That’s...’’ she didn’t let him finish, ‘‘You can call me crazy, or anything that you want, but let me tell you one thing – I’m so stubborn and if I’m determined, no one can ever change my mind.’’

Not even the one I loved, she thought.

‘‘Don't stay alone once I’m gone. Find another love.’’

‘‘I can’t love anyone else but you.’’

‘‘Please, don’t be like that. Move on and find love.’’

She said in her mind, ‘’It’s my life, my decision.’’

It’s not her first time refusing someone. In ten years, she has done it multiple times. She can never imagine someone else in his place.

She returned to home and fell on her bed. She closed her eyes, and said, ‘‘I’m yours. You’re mine. It will never change.’’

8.

What if someday I lose my passion for writing?

She thinks.

What if writing can’t make my heart beat anymore?

She becomes afraid.

There are times when she doesn’t feel like writing anymore. There were times when she wanted to give up. When she first started publishing writings, sometimes she became disappointed. As she was young, she expected feedback. And when she didn't get them, she felt disappointed from time to time. But her passion made her continue on.

Writing is something she can’t let go of.

There was a time she even wanted to quit.

It was right after her first book got published.

But losing her passion is something even more frightening. It’s one of the things she fears the most.

She hopes that day will never come.

* * *

She sat in front of her laptop with a new work in her mind after one month or more. She hasn’t written anything during this time. Because, she wanted to quit.

But she couldn’t really.

Writing is her passion, her friend of dark times. It’s something she can never let go of. She has lost so many precious things in her life. But writing is something which is comfort zone for all the time.

At her age of 11, she used to feel lonely and sometimes bored at school. Soon, she found a way to spend her alone times. She started penning down her thoughts and feelings beside classnotes. What she didn't know back then was, those were beautiful literary works. No one told her.

At her age of 13, she wrote her first story. She wasn’t confident at all, so she couldn’t show it to anyone. After much hesitation, she gave it to Luna, who appreciated it and encouraged her to write more. She continued on with her stories, and within one year she had a good collection of stories.

At her age of 16, she became a bit more confident. She started searching for more readers and reviewers. For that, she submitted some of her writings in some different platforms. When those writings were published, she was inspired. When some of her readers said kind words about her writings, she decided to keep going and that's when she started to believe that writing was her spark.

At her age of 19, she decided to choose literature as her subject in university. She studied science throughout all her student life, and she got good grades, but after college she thought of moving on and ended up choosing literature as her path of studying.

It had been a long while since she wanted to publish her own book. But she wasn’t ready. That year, exactly 10 years after she first started writing, she has finally got her book published. It wasn’t easy and she was rejected by publishers at first. But she didn't give up as some of her favourite writers also got rejected at first. And finally, her book is published.

It was an event worth being happy and maybe a little bit proud, too.

But her happiness didn't last long.

She discovered that a large number of readers weren’t happy with her book.

Not everyone was like that of course, there are a lot of people who left kind comments but the destructive criticisms were enough to break her.

‘‘Her writings are so immature.’’

‘‘Her writings are merely emotions. They have no real meaning inside.’’

‘‘She is stuck in her own world, writing about same things again and again.’’

‘‘It’s so boring. I regret buying this book.’’

From a young age, she was so sensitive about criticism. Destructive criticism was her worst nightmare. As she grew up, she became more tolerant, but still she couldn’t take those negative comments.

She was broken.

She decided to quit.

But as she thought about it over and over again, she remembered about the times when writing made her feel happy.

When she was lonely at school, writing comforted her.

When some of her readers said that her writings touched their hearts, she was inspired. They made her believe in herself.

When her first book was published, her happiness knew no bound.

When she lost her first love, writing was the only thing that helped her to put herself together.

It’s so easy to leave a mean comment. But do they know how much it costs her to write a single story? To those readers and publishers, they are merely stories. But those stories contain her tears, heartbeats, loneliness. Those stories cost her sleepless nights and lonely days.

She remembered those days when she wrote only for herself, when she was the only reader, writer and editor.

But the thing that made her comeback was an email she got that morning.

It was from a girl who is her reader and friend for a long time.

’’Hi, how are you doing? I have just finished reading your book and it reached straight to my heart. Your writings always relate to me so much. I wonder how. Do you go through the same pains that I go through? Are you someone who is as lonely as I am?

You told me that the publishers reject you, but please don’t worry about that. Maybe they don’t understand the value of your writing, but that doesn’t make you a bad writer.

I used to think that I was strange, as nobody around me through the same things as me. I felt that I was living in a world different than others. But then you made me feel that I wasn’t alone, and still there were people who thought same way as me. Maybe they are less in number, but they exist.

So I want to tell you that you are not alone either. I won’t say forever, but as long as I can, I will always stay as someone who will read your books and encourage you to keep going with your beautiful writings.

With love.’’

And she forgot about all those mean comments, she forgot her desire to quit.

She remembered that there are still those people who would stay by her side no matter what, and that’s what keeps her going to this day.