First Love

1.

In tiffin period when students had and shared their tiffin and have fun, there was this one student who roams around the school all alone. Because of that, he knew every nook and cranny of the school. He was also good at another thing: observing.

One day he went to the furthest corner of the school, which was kind of a deserted place. No one went there usually. But on that particular day, he saw someone sitting there, with his head placed on knees.

He approached boy and touched his hand. The boy lifted his head and lowered it the next second, saying, "Leave me alone."

But he saw the boy's eyes. And he understood that the boy needed help. He knew that look very well. He saw that look numerous times.

In mirror. In his own eyes.

He asked the boy, "Are you ok?" Even though he knew very well that he was not.

The boy didn't raise his head.

"Tell me what happened, I can't promise to fix it. But if you share pains, they lessen a bit. If you keep it to yourself, it will grow."

He never said these word to anyone ever before. He never supported someone in

pain. At that moment he understood that the boy needed him. He could not leave him alone at that time. Because, he went through the same situation himself.

A few moments later, the boy lifted his head and told,

"I don’t want to live anymore."

The sentence was shocking enough. If someone else was there, that person might feel startled and said, "No, no, don’t say that." But he only sighed and asked, "Why?"

It was not his habit to be curious about others. But now the situation was different.

The boy was silent for a while. He was not good at expressing his feelings. It was hard for him. But person in front of him had something in him which finally helped him to speak himself.

“I feel like I am not myself anymore. Nothing can make me happy. I feel like I am dead inside. My feelings, my memories.... I am losing everything. It didn’t happen overnight. I feel separated from family. They behave in a way that I don’t exist. They will be separated on any day.

I don’t have friends. My classmates don’t want to talk to me. They call me strange. Sometimes they say hurtful things to me. At first I cried. But now I feel like... I don’t know. I feel like my life seems meaningless."

The boy stopped. He was talking in a calm voice, but now the other one noticed that his eyes were full with tears.

He said, "I understand your pain." Then he helped the boy to stand up.

He was right. He could really understand his pain. Because he went through similar pain. He grew up alone. His parents loved him, but they were not that much caring. No one in his family had the habit of sharing their feelings. He was a bad student in school. A backbencher. A blacklisted one in the eyes of teachers. He could not sleep well at night, he made it up by sleeping in class. When he was younger he sometimes got into fight with classmates, it was not always his fault. Ultimately, he was known as a bad one in the class. He was quiet and introverted, which was an extra layer on his character. People avoided him and he avoided people. People knew him as a cold hearted person. He didn’t get to know what friendship is. His world contained only him. Loneliness and depression were his constant companions.

He knew that the boy needed someone to lean on right now and he was the only one to do that.

Bell rang. They could not continue talking and went back to their class. After

the classes are over, he found the boy again. It wasn’t a difficult task, because he was walking alone. Without saying a word, he kept the boy company.

The boy walked with his head low. They walked silently for a while. Then he

remembered, he didn’t ask the boy's name. He didn’t even ask what class he read in.

He asked, "What's your name?"

The boy told his name. He also learned that he was in class eight, two years younger than himself.

Again silence.

Then the boy broke the silence, "I feel a bit lighthearted after sharing everything with you."

The other one replied, "That makes me happy."

After walking silently for a while, the younger one told something unexpected.

"Will you be my friend?"

The older one didn’t know what to say. He himself needed a friend, too. To save him from the black hole of loneliness. To melt the ice formed in his heart for 16 years. But, as a result of being lonely for a very long time, now he didn’t know how to get along with other people. He didn’t know how to love.

He didn’t want someone to get tangled with his life. Because, he is afraid of causing pain to that one.

But he didn’t say those to the boy that time. He didn’t want to kill his hope.

The boy needed a friend, even if that was someone like him.

He replied, "If you want."

The boy's eyes lit up after a long time. He waited almost all his life for a friend. His heart broke seeing others with friends. He prayed for someone to be by his side.

But the younger one didn’t see the painful side of friendship.

And the older one didn’t see how friendship can be helpful.

2.

Few months later.

They were walking together after school was over.

The older one said, "Listen, I don’t want you to depend on me too much. I don’t want you to get tangled with my life. "

The younger one looked hurt. His eyes were telling, "What's wrong? Have I done anything wrong?"

The older one said again, "I'm sorry. I don’t want to be so hard on you. But I don’t want you to get hurt because of me either. "

He was a straightforward and outspoken person. If something bothered him, he could not keep it to himself. Even so, he cared enough about the younger one.

Maybe more than he cared about anyone else. Otherwise he would have never apologized to him for being hard. His personality was like that.

After saying those words, he lost into his thoughts. He thought, "I am actually a selfish person. I don’t want to take anyone’s responsibility. I am hurting him even more by saying those words."

The younger one finally spoke. He told, "Maybe I can understand your problem."

The older one asked, "What is it?"

The younger one said, "You want to be alone. Don’t you?"

It was unexpected. The other one didn’t expect him to understand his problem.

He said, “You know, I have been alone for a long time, and my life has turned upside down because of that. I am self-centered... "

The younger one stopped him.

"I understand. It’s not your fault that you are self-centered. I know you." then he told, "Whenever you will need some alone time, tell me. I won't go to you then."

It wasn’t that the younger one didn’t get hurt. But he could consider for his friend. And here is the difference between the two. His heart wasn’t frozen like the older one, it was still full of love. The older one cared about the younger one too, in his own way. It was a sign of his caring that he let the younger one walk with him.

It's an undeniable fact that he hadn’t seen any person like that younger boy ever before. He could understand others and love deeply. But no one valued his love. Because, they needed perfect people, or someone rowdy, or someone who can serve their interests.

He let out a long sigh and thought that he was the only friend of such a person. The boy deserved a friend who could make him happier.

They walked a few more steps without any words.

Suddenly the boy said, "You told me that pain lessens by sharing. Then why

don’t you share your pains with me?"

The older one gave a sad smile. Even though the younger suffered a lot of pain compared to others of his age, he was still so young and immature. He didn’t want to burden him with his own pains. He told in his mind, "You don't need to listen to my pains. Just be with me, that will be a lot for me. Just keep helping me with your unconditional love. "

3.

The younger one seems to be better these days.

Now he bursts out with laughter about silly reasons. He seems to be euphoric.

His eyes are brighter than before. These things were absent in him for a long time. He was like this when he was a child. After growing up, loneliness turned his life upside down.

His friend became happy seeing him that way. But he was afraid too. He was afraid that if someday he let go of the younger's hand, if someday he become alone again, what will happen to him? What if he becomes depressed again?

Change was happening inside of him, too. He was more caring towards the younger now. Not only towards him, but also towards himself. He was starting to love himself. He was discovering a part of himself which was hidden. The warm and caring side of him. No one has made him feel that he was a good person ever before. Neither family, nor school or anyone else. They only told him about how bad he was.

Nowadays he doesn’t feel like a bad person anymore.

One day, they were walking home together and talking about something. At a point, the older one smiled. The younger one said, ‘‘Do you know how beautiful you look when you smile?’’

The older one was surprised, he didn't even notice that he was smiling. He said, ‘‘Actually I don’t know. I rarely smile.’’

‘‘If you only knew how pretty your smile is, you would smile more often.’’

‘‘You must know how hard it is for me to smile.’’

‘‘I know. I went through that stage too. Thanks to you, I am happy again.’’

‘‘Thanks to you, I am at least able to smile more often than before,’’ The older one said without thinking much. But after releasing those words, he was surprised. It’s unlike him to have feelings towards someone, let alone expressing them.

Another day, he was walking with the boy after school. Suddenly the boy said, “Today is my birthday.”

"Birthday?" The older one thought, "I have nearly forgotten mine."

He asked, "Do you have any plan?" Even though he already guessed the answer.

The younger one let out a sigh and told, "No."

The older one told, “Let's go somewhere together then. I hope you will feel better.”

The boy happily agreed.

After walking for a long time they finally reached riverside. It had a beautiful view. River flowing and blue sky above. Spending some time there causes a feeling of serenity. It feels like the sky leaves its footprint inside people’s heart.

The sun is about to set.

The older one said, “You know what, this is my favourite time of the day. Do you know why?”

"Why?"

“Because this time is so beautiful as well as short-lasting. So it is differently valuable.”

On their way back, the older one said, "Wanna come over to my place today?"

The younger's face lit up and he agreed without a second thought.

It was the first time for him to visit a friend, and for the older one it was the first time of inviting someone.

The older one didn’t live with his family. His home was far from the city. It was hard to go to school from such a faraway place. So he lived in a rented small house in the city, which he called his apartment. He could be in school hostel, but he hated being with people and people hated him too. So he had chosen to live alone.

The two went to his house together. They had to walk a long way today. Both of them were tired.

The younger had never seen such a small house. There was one bedroom, one bathroom, one small kitchen and a small space - which was maybe used as living room. He thought, this is the perfect place for a loner.

They entered the bedroom together. The boy sat on the bed.

The older said, “I am sorry, I don’t have anything to welcome you-"

The younger didn’t let him finish.

“It is the first time for me celebrating birthday with a friend. This is more than enough for me.”

The older smiled. He told, "I know. Let me get you an ice-cream."

The younger also smiled and said, "That will be great."

The older one went outside and got back with an ice-cream. The younger exclaimed,

“Only one? What about you?”

“Never mind. Have it.”

The younger one told, "No, let's share it."

The older one agreed, because he knew if he refused it wouldn't be accepted. They shared it, it was fun. Then they talked for hours. The older one was comfortable at his place, so he talked a lot. Then he brought a delicious burger from street as their dinner.

Then the boy went to sleep. The older let him sleep in the bed, while he himself arranged to sleep on floor.

The younger asked, "When are you going to sleep?"

The older replied, "I will go to sleep late."

For the two it was like a party. Pleasure doesn’t only lies in being rowdy, having a lot of foods and gifts. As introverts, the two had pure happiness by just having each other by their sides and simple actions. Laughing together, walking together, sharing meals. These were the sources of their happiness.

4.

The boy was absent for a few days.

Since they first met, the younger one never skipped class, not even when he was having a hard time. So the older one was worried. He also understood that the boy finally took a place in his life.

Finally the younger one showed up after a week. The older one noticed that he didn’t look exactly normal.

He asked, ‘‘Why were you absent?’’

The boy just said, ‘‘I was sick.’’

The older one felt sensed that there was more to it, but he didn't pressed more. He hoped that the boy himself will explain it.

But the younger one didn’t do that. He was pensive and he kept quite almost the whole way. Concerned, the older one asked, ‘‘Are you okay?’’

The boy said, ‘‘No.’’

Then he became silent again. The older didn’t force him, because he could understand that the younger didn’t want to talk about it. Maybe a family affair, he thought.

The boy spoke again, suddenly,

‘‘They said I am going to die within three months.’’

He said it in a calm tone, in the same tone he explained his pains when they first met.

The older one stopped. The words hurt him so bad that he stopped walking. He couldn’t just take it in his head.

He could barely ask one thing, "What happened?"

The boy replied with his head low,

‘‘I am suffering from Leukemia.’’

Still, the older couldn't take it in his head. At that moment he realized that the boy had become a part of his life. How is life gonna be without him? He never thought this. He always thought how the boy was going to live if he disappears someday. Because he knew what he was to that boy. But he didn’t know that the younger was an important person to him, too. He only realized it when he was going to lose him.

The younger was still looking downwards. The older knew that he was crying. He couldn’t imagine the depth of the pain the younger was going through. How much pain does someone go through when he learns that he is going to die?

The older held the younger with one hand. The younger leaned on his shoulder and cried.

That was the first time he let someone lean on him.

5.

The older one regularly visited the younger one when he got admitted to hospital. He was the only friend who visited the boy.

On the first day, he walked all his way to hospital after school. It was tiring. But finally he found the younger’s room. The younger one was looking outside the window, but he was seeing nothing. His eyes were blank. Hearing the older one’s footsteps, he turned his head and genuine happiness reflected on his face.

‘‘You’re tired,’’ he said.

‘‘It’s okay,’’ the older one said. He observed the room and felt a sense of loneliness. The younger must be so lonely here. Even in the last days of his life, he would be lonely.

‘‘Thanks for coming to see me.’’

‘‘No need to thank me. You deserve it.’’

After that day after school, the boy never cried again. He didn’t become pensive again like that day. He tried his best to keep a happy face. He recalled the days when they walked together after school and talked about trivial things.

Another day, he found the boy crying and moaning because of extreme pain.

‘‘Should I call the nurse?’’

The younger just barely nodded, unable to speak. The older one didn't know where to find the nurse, but thankfully the nurse entered before he would go in search of her. Seeing the boy’s condition, she gave him a medication and the boy fell asleep within fifteen minutes.

‘‘Sleeping is the only way he has to get rid of his pain,’’ the nurse said.

That was the day the older one got to see for the first time how much pain the younger was going through.

His condition was getting worse everyday. The older one was afraid that he

wouldn’t be able to see him the next day.

One day the older one said to the younger, ‘‘Thank you, because you are the one who made me realize what love is, which I was about to forget. You reminded me.’’

The younger replied, ‘‘And you made me realize that I belong to the earth. You stayed by my side as a real friend.’’

The older said, " I couldn’t do it all the time. I hurt you so much.... I'm sorry."

The younger replied, "Never mind. You made me happy again. I am always

grateful for that."

After some times he told, "Will you hold my hand?"

The older took his hand. He felt that the hand was weak and burning with fever. The older one’s heart clenched. The younger fell asleep holding his hand.

The boy looked like a child. He is really like a little child, the older one thought. He deserved a better and happier life. He deserved more love. He sighed. Making sure that the younger is asleep, he gently took his hand away and left the room.

It was the last time they met.

6.

Five years later.

He is walking alone in the street. The street which is full of memories. The

street which he took to go to his house after school, along with his only friend.

So many things have changed inside of him. But a lot of things remained unchanged.

He has grown up, still he cannot get along with people. But his perception has changed. He doesn’t hate people that much now. In past years everything seemed bad in his eyes. He hated everything, including himself. He is not like that anymore. He seems to be better now.

He hasn’t gotten new friends, he is still a loner. He still hasn’t forgotten the only friend he had.

Even though he almost never cried for his friend, or doesn’t recall him like people do, the boy is still in his mind. He cherished his memories, and his love.

Even though the boy left him, the love he gave is still with him, and will always be. The change that has happened because of that love will always be with him.

He will never forget his only friend, the first person he ever loved.