Stay

1.

They were walking together holding hands. This was the first time for them holding hands.

The girl was excited and euphoric. She felt like she was dreaming. She didn’t want to let go of that hand ever.

But little did she know.... that the other person hated holding hands.

That person didn’t feel good at all. Still, he couldn’t let go of her at that moment. He couldn’t break her heart.

He looked at her face. Her eyes were shining with pure euphoria.

Little did he know... That she felt that euphoria after a long time.

He was the cause of her euphoria, but at that moment she couldn’t imagine that moments later he would be the reason of ruining that euphoria too. How ironic.

After walking for a while, suddenly he let go of her hand. She looked at him but not so surprised.

He said, ‘‘I’m going to leave you.’’

She was shocked. So shocked that she couldn’t say a word. She couldn’t take it in her head.

He said again, ‘‘I’m going to walk away. I can’t do it anymore.’’

After spending nearly three years with that person, the girl knows one thing for sure that even when he makes her feel happy, the next moment he can break her heart. The happiness she feels when with him is so, so transient. She has no way of knowing what will happen next. She can’t predict it. Never.

She finally got back her words. She said, ‘‘I resent meeting you.’’

He stayed quite. She continued, ‘Had we never met, it would be better for both of us.’

He thought the same way as her. Even though both of them made each other happy at times, even though both of them changed each other’s lives, the depth of hurting is undeniable. They couldn’t deny it.

At that moment the girl couldn’t even manage to ask why suddenly he became so desperate to leave. She felt her heart clench.

‘‘I’m sorry,’’ he whispered, ‘‘I’m really sorry for breaking your heart. But I have no other choice but to let go. It’s better for both of us.’’

‘I understand,’ she spoke almost inaudibly. ‘I’m sorry for all things went wrong with you because of me.’

He came closer and again whispered, ‘Please, be happy. You’ll meet better people than me. Who will love you more than me.’

She silently screamed, ‘I don’t want anyone but you, I want to be with you just because it’s you.’ But she couldn’t manage to say those words.

At that moment she wished to hold him tight, begging him not to leave. But she couldn’t do that. Maybe if she did it, it would start another chapter of the painful seesaw game they were playing for three years. She knew very well that it would make another scar in his heart, and also in her heart.

That night she couldn’t sleep. His words, his memories kept haunting and tormenting her all night.

She was thinking not only about herself, but also him. She thought, ‘Who’s going to love you like I did? How lonely you will be!’ She couldn’t take it in heart, she couldn’t think of how much pain he endured. And she added more burdens on him, even though she tried her best to help him.

‘I’m sorry, but it’s not my fault. It’s not your fault either. It’s just... Our destiny.’ She closed her eyes and prayed for him, prayed that someday he would find someone who would understand him, and still love him.

And him? He felt released. He had to go through so much pain and problems at that time, and she was the only cause of pain he could let go of. He didn’t know whether it would make him happier or lonelier. Probably both. Still, he slept in peace that night.

2.

The girl’s P.O.V.

I am so lonely.

I have felt loneliness ever since I was a child.

I feel abandoned.

But it’s not that I always feel like that. These are thoughts which come to my mind when I experience loneliness.

I felt estranged and abandoned from time to time.

This is how my life was going on. Everything was fine, I got used to my solitary life. I finished school, college and got admitted to university.

That’s when I bumped into him and my life turned upside down.

Someone said, ‘Being alone from the start is okay. But being alone after being with someone... I don’t want to experience that again.’

That’s my case.

There are some days when I really need someone by my side. I am a quite person and don’t find topics to talk about, but in those times I want someone to just hold me quietly. I need someone to caress me on nights I can’t fall asleep. I need someone who won’t get annoyed if I wake that person up at the middle of night when I am sick. I need someone to whom I can rant my problems without hesitation. I need someone who won’t make me feel like I am a burden.

I thought he would be that one of my life. But, no.

Still, after all these happened, there is one thing I’m grateful for to him. I have learned what love is because of him. Even though, he himself couldn’t feel it.

The boy’s P.O.V.

I have no friends since school life. Now I don’t even know how friendship feels like. I had to transfer schools several times. Because of that, I lost touch with my friends and in the new schools I find it hard to make new friends. At first, it hurt. But eventually I became emotionally numb.

I didn’t get to know how it feels like to fall in love.

Being in a relationship without love is one of the worst things in the world.

When you’re in love, you can be selfless without any efforts. But if you don’t really love a person, but care for that one, that hurts even more.

The scars in my hearts were almost incurable. I didn’t learn to love myself. All along I believed that I was pathetic.

Little by little I realized that I had become a person with whom people couldn’t get along and I couldn’t get along with people. I became afraid of being honest towards people. I was turning into an unsociable person.

At that time, I met that girl. The first person who fell in love in me. My heart which was craving for love, accepted her. But I was no longer a person who has the ability of being with someone. The girl was emotionally demanding, when I was someone who doesn’t know much about feelings. No, actually I know. But I don’t have them. I couldn’t take care of her while suffocating with my own problems, and she was too immature to help me. Still, I did my best to go on with the relationship. Not much for me, but for her. But in the end I couldn’t. I had no other choice but breaking her heart and walk away.

In the end, I am left alone again.

3.

2017.

It was the year when they first met.

They became friends on the first day of their meeting.

They used to talk about topics like books, philosophy and literature. They were like that for the first year of their relationship. It was like a formal friendship.

Somehow, they shared similarities. Both of them are readers. He was a thoughtful person, an ideal type she would love – or so she thought. So, she started developing feelings for him. He had feelings for her too, but not the kind of feelings she had for him.

In the second year, little by little she started to talk about her personal things and feelings. At first he didn’t talk about personal topics much, but at a point he started too. Because he needed to express his emotions too. Their relationship was turning into a personal one – and the problem began.

Being with her wasn’t easy because she was emotionally demanding.

Being with him wasn’t easy because he was impossible to understand.

Their love was as fragile as butterfly, or house of cards. It was like seesaw, high up at one moment and down the next minute. It was more painful than love should be.

Still, if she was given one more chance, she would still go back to him. This is how love is.

In most of the cases, when two people break up, they eventually start to have bad feelings about each other, hate each other. Maybe it happens because they end up with a fight.

For the boy and the girl, the thing is different. They let go of each other because they actually cared for each other. The girl still loves him, even though her feelings are fading. And the boy, he is trying to start everything over.

The girl thinks over and over again, ‘‘Why didn’t our relationship work out?’’

It’s actually no one’s fault. It’s not that they couldn’t accept each other. What they couldn’t accept was – each other’s realities.

They had to part ways because they were from different realities. The girl struggled a lot but she is still like a child, she had the dream of an ideal love. But he gave her a loud shake and woke her up from that dream, making her realize that not every love story has a happy ending. And unfortunately, the story they were living was one of those not-happily-ended story.

He was so cold and she was too warm for him. The harsh reality made him cold, and the girl didn’t have enough maturity to deal with such a person and his life. She can’t be blamed for being so. The only thing the girl could do was to love him, to promise him that she would always be there, to only listen but do nothing to help him. But, he needed something more than love which the girl lacked.

In the end, both of them are lonely, but still they are unable to comfort each other’s loneliness.

4.

Her p.o.v.

Sometimes, I can go on with my life without having a single thought about him. In those times, I think that I’m fine.

But there are also times when I can’t stand it. I can’t bear the thought that he has left me and he will never come back to me again. It hurts so much. My anger and hatred towards him pile up. I resent him.

To this day, I can’t bring myself to say that I have to go on the rest of my life without him, that we have parted ways and he will never come back to me again. I keep lying to myself that maybe one day he will change his mind and come back. When someone asks me about him, I pretend that everything is fine between us, or we just don’t communicate with each other often.

Why are you hurting yourself so much for someone who caused you more pain than happiness?

I ask myself.

Because I still love him. That’s how love works.

But I know that I should let go.

Sometimes letting go is the best choice for both sides.

I have to erase him, and admit the truth. I have to stop hurting myself and holding onto a rootless hope. I must move on.

5.

Maybe someday we’ll meet again.

That’s what they thought. Deep inside they still wished to meet each other one more time. They couldn’t erase each other from their life. They didn’t want to.

One day, their wish came true.

It would be truer if I say her wish, because she was the one who wanted to see him more. Even though he was the one who said, ‘Maybe someday we’ll meet again,’ he didn’t really wish to see her. But his subconscious wanted to.

So, they finally met without any plan. They just bumped into each other.

They looked at each other for a long while. Finally, she spoke.

‘‘I think I have finally got over you.’’

The look in his eyes was unreadable. She said again, ‘‘Aren’t you happy now?’’

‘‘Yes, I wanted you to move on. I know how much I meant to you. I know how much you loved me. But sometimes the person you want doesn’t deserve you. I don’t deserve to be with you. You belong with better people. I have changed a lot, but I still don’t want us to be together.’’

‘‘Neither do I.’’

Her heart clenched and she found herself at a loss of words.

‘‘Before we part ways, please grant my one last wish. I know how much you will hate it, but please... One last time,’’ she said.

‘‘Okay,’’ he sighed.

She came closer and hugged him. For the first time in the life and for the last time too. She knew that when she let go of him, he would disappear forever this time – from her life. She wished to hug him for a long time, even before their breakup. But she was too afraid to do it. Now, she had no fear.

To her surprise, he hugged her back.

Are you doing it for me, or for you? She thought to herself.

You will never know what feelings you caused me. I hated those feelings, but you made me feel them. That’s why I left you. Even now. He thought.

Finally, they let go of each other. And without any more words, they turned around and walked away from each other.