For You

1.

2017.

The teacher was talking about dream that day, asking the students one by one what their dream was.

One of them said,

‘‘My dream is to be a psychiatrist.’’

‘‘That is an exceptional one. Do you want to share why you want to be a psychiatrist?’’

The boy took a deep breath and said something unexpected.

‘‘My best friend had mental health problems. But he never got proper counselling or treatment. Finally, he ended up dying a premature death. Although I tried my best, I couldn’t help him. That’s when I decided to be a psychiatrist, so that I can help some people when they need it, so that I can help them to live a better life...’’

The teacher was surprised. He only said,

‘‘I appreciate your love for your friend and the fact that you care about helping people. I wish that you will be able to fulfil your dream.’’

He meant it.

2.

2012.

‘‘Hey, are you sick? Should I call any teacher?’’

‘‘Just leave me alone.’’

‘‘Can I help you?’’

‘‘I told you to just leave me alone!’’

He wasn’t willing to leave his new friend alone, who was visibly unwell. His hands were trembling and he was heavily breathing.

He said, ‘‘Fine, I will wait for you for five minutes then. If you are still sick by then, I will take steps.’’ Then he left without giving a chance for the other to speak or protest.

After exactly five minutes, he arrived and saw his friend in a calmer state. He was breathing normally. He sat beside him and asked, ‘‘What happened to you?’’

‘‘It is called a panic attack.’’

‘‘Panic attack? What panicked you all on a sudden?’’

‘‘It’s nothing like that. It’s... A mental disorder.’’

He was surprised, as mental disorder was something so alien to him at that age. His friend spoke again,

‘‘Will you tell everyone in the class about it now?’’

‘‘Why will I?’’

‘‘Will you still be my friend, when you know that I have a mental disorder?’’

It was a question that could hit so hard. When he looked into his friend’s eyes, he saw a different person. He didn't know him for long. The boy got admitted to their school a week ago and he seemed quiet, cold and indifferent, who didn't show his emotions and found it hard to get along with others. The only person who befriended with that new student was him. Now, his eyes were full of loneliness, lost feelings and tears. Seeing those eyes, he didn't hesitate for a moment. Instead of saying any word, he pulled the boy into a hug.

He was not a person who was good with words, and his friend was in a state where words weren’t enough to comfort him. If he said words like, ‘‘I will be your friend.’’, ‘‘I will always be there for you.’’, ‘‘I won’t leave you.’’ There was a high probability that the boy wouldn’t believe them. It would sound like a cliché. But that embrace was enough and much stronger than words. It showed genuine care.

His friend buried his face into the other one’s shoulder, and his tears started flowing. He felt the teardrops on his shoulder.

‘‘I’m in so much pain, I can’t take it anymore. Please don’t leave me alone after being my friend. It hurts so much.’’

‘‘There is nothing wrong with having panic attacks. It will never get into our way of being friends,’’ he whispered, running his fingers through his friend’s hair as an act of comforting.

For his friend, it was his first time opening up to someone. He was so afraid to express his feelings to someone. He was afraid that he would burden them. But that day, he just couldn’t keep it to himself anymore.

And that was the day both of the boys formed an unbreakable bond.

A bond which even death cannot break.

3.

2013.

After being absent for one day, his friend showed up. It was his first time being absent after getting admitted to that school.

He understood that his friend wasn’t fine. The boy’s eyes were reddish, there was a cut on his lower lip and he looked so tired.

‘‘What happened?’’ He asked in a worried tone.

‘‘Don't ask me, please. I don’t want to remember that.’’

They didn't say anything more about that matter.

At tiffin period, they went to their hideout – the place where he first found his friend having a panic attack. His friend lay down on his lap and closed his eyes. It seemed like he wanted to sleep.

‘‘I didn't sleep a wink last night,’’ his friend said after some moments, with eyes still closed.

That's why his eyes were that red, he thought to himself. But how did he hurt his lip? Who hurt him like that?

‘‘I am going through a lot,’’ his friend said, as if he sensed his silent question.

He caressed his friend’s hair. Seeing his friend like that made him feel sad. What’s going on with him?

Suddenly, his friend opened his eyes and said, ‘‘I’m so afraid.’’

‘‘Why?’’

‘‘I’m afraid that in the end, you will leave me too.’’

He didn’t say anything, he just held his friend’s hand in reply, to assure him that he wouldn’t leave.

His friend continued, ‘‘When someone becomes so nice to me, I become so afraid. I fear that I will lose that person. I feel like that person is too precious for someone like me and it won’t last. I am afraid to discuss my personal matters with someone. I am afraid to lean on someone. Maybe I am too much for that someone. Maybe I am burdening that person. ’’

He finally spoke, ‘‘Don't worry. You aren’t burdening someone. I will stay with you as long as life allows me to, so please don’t worry.’’

‘‘Please be honest with me, are you really staying with me because you like me, or is it just because you feel like it’s your responsibility to do so?’’

It was a question that hit really hard. But he had the right answer.

‘‘It’s because you are my friend, and I really like you. Why wouldn’t I?’’

‘‘I know that I am not a good friend. In fact I am so self-centred and dull.’’

‘‘You are the only person who doesn’t make me feel like I am a horrible friend. Do you know how many friends I had earlier? Have you noticed that I have no friend now? Every single one of them left me, and said on my face that I am an awful friend and there is no reason to befriend with someone like me. But you...’’ He paused for a moment and continued, ‘‘You’re different.’’

‘‘People say that I’m so mean and cold.’’ His friend said.

‘‘But you are not. You are a nice person.’’

‘‘Do you mean it?’’

‘‘I mean it. Trust me.’’

Maybe towards any other person in the world they were really cold and mean. But to each other, they were best friends.

It was because they only returned the behaviour they got.

* * *

‘‘It’s so beautiful!’’ His friend exclaimed.

‘‘Do you like it?’’ The other boy asked.

‘‘I love it so much.’’

They went to an empty land which was previously a park. Now it had turned into an abandoned natural park.

‘‘I never knew trees look this beautiful,’’ His friend said.

He looked at his friend closely. The boy looked happier, or maybe the more appropriate term would be peaceful. The place was really beautiful. The place was surrounded by big trees. Leaves were falling from trees, looked like it was raining.

‘‘Can you feel the scent?’’ His friend spoke again.

‘‘What scent?’’

‘‘The smell of nature... Scent of the wind, the trees, the grass, the soil. You have to feel it with your entire body.’’

He tried to feel it, and he realized that his friend was right. It wasn’t merely a smell actually, it was more like a feeling. The feeling of nature.

They kept walking, stepping on the wet grass and dead leaves under their feet.

‘‘You know what... I am feeling like I’m in a dream. I feel like panic attacks and horrible family environment don’t exist; only me, you, the nature and good feelings are the only real things.’’

But you have to wake up from this dream. Good feelings are like dreams, and bad feelings are like never-ending reality.

2014.

‘‘They say that if you repeatedly think of dying, you should consult with a counsellor or psychiatrist,’’ His friend said. ‘‘I think about dying every single day.’’

‘‘That sounds scary. What makes you feel that way?’’

‘‘My family. The chronic uncomfortable weather of my house. Thinking about going to that place and face my parents again makes me want to die. When I am at school, with you, I feel much better. But at my house, every moment feels too heavy to live.’’

Now he understood what his friend was going through little by little, the reason behind his panic attacks and getting hurt. He tried his best to comfort his friend, but how much he could do? After all, he was just a teenager and not a counsellor. The only thing he could do was staying with him and listening to him.

‘‘Death isn’t a solution. I don’t know what the solution of your problem is, but at least I know for certain that it isn’t death.’’

‘‘By the way, what do you do when you want to escape from reality?’’

‘‘Me? I either read a book full of strong emotions, or watch a drama or movie.’’

‘‘I listen to music at times like that. I plug in my earphones and cut off with the world. Nothing can touch me then.’’

‘‘Oh, what’s your favourite song?’’

‘‘This one-’’ His friend took out his phone and showed a song. It’s Breathe by Lee Hi. ‘‘It’s as if the songwriter wrote this for me. Well, it’s partially true. The songwriter himself suffered from depression. He passed away in 2017.’’

‘‘Oh, what happened to him?’’

‘‘He committed suicide,’’ His friend said with a sigh.

4.

2015.

He was walking in the train station, a few steps behind from his parents.

‘‘Hey,’’ A familiar voice called him. He turned his head and saw his friend. The boy looked exceptional that day, he was wearing a black coat he never wore at school.

They started walking side to side, holding hands.

‘‘Will you come back?’’ His friend asked, tried his best to hide his anxiety about the fact.

‘‘I’m not sure, to be honest there is more probability of not coming back. But don’t worry, I will visit you whenever I will get any vacation.’’

His friend’s face fell, the other boy could understand his feelings. They held each other’s hands tighter, not wanting to let go.

‘‘I guess I am not destined to have the friends I made,’’ His friend said with deep sadness in his voice.

‘‘The same thing goes for me,’’ He sighed. ‘‘But I won’t let you go. I will check out on you everyday.’’

‘‘They say that long distance relationship is hard. Who is going to hold me now when I will suffer a crisis?’’

He couldn’t answer the question.

‘‘Whatever, let’s not be sad now. Let’s say goodbye with a smile. As it’s our last day together for a long time, let’s live it properly, ’’ His friend said.

‘‘You are right. Let’s end the day properly.’’

So they walked together holding hands, and they changed the topic of their conversation. They talked about how happy and grateful they were when they got each other by their side, they recalled the happy memories, times when they laughed together.

They reached his parents. His mother said, ‘‘It must be hard for you guys to part ways. Don't worry, we will visit you whenever we get time. You see, we had no other choice.’’

‘‘It’s okay,’’ His friend said, ‘‘We’ll be fine.’’

The other boy let out a long sigh, knowing how his friend really felt.

‘‘Whenever you feel unwell, don’t hesitate for a moment and reach out, okay?’’ He said.

‘‘But you won’t be able to hold me anymore,’’ His friend reminded him.

‘‘You are right. But at least I can listen to you, right?’’

His parents called him, ‘‘The train is here.’’

They finally let go of each other’s hand. He said, ‘‘Take care.’’

‘‘I will. Goodbye.’’

And he got into the train with his parents. He could see through the window that his friend was still standing in the platform, with a vacant look in his eyes.

They didn't know that it would be the last time they would see each other.

His father had transferred in the beginning of this year, so they had to move. He had to leave his friend alone, even though he never wanted to.

He missed his friend so much after moving on.

He missed their simple acts of friendship.

* * *

As soon as his friend entered the class, he screamed, ‘‘You sat there again!’’

He giggled, ‘‘I told you the condition, if you can come earlier than me then you will can sit beside window.’’

‘‘You made that deal because you know that I can never come earlier than you. It’s unfair.’’

He was still giggling. His friend pretended to be angry.

‘‘Hey, have you done the math homework?’’ His friend asked.

‘‘Yes, I have.’’

‘‘Give it to me.’’

‘‘Why didn't you do it?’’

‘‘I was too tired yesterday. It was a horrible day...’’

He handed his homework to his friend.

It was physics class.

His friend said, ‘‘Hey, I am feeling so sleepy. I am going to get some sleep. You look out for the teacher and wake me up when he seems to notice me, okay?’’

He nodded, ‘‘Okay.’’

His friend leaned on him and closed his eyes. Meanwhile, he was keeping a eye on the teacher. Fortunately, they didn't get caught.

‘‘Can you please take my classnotes for me? I have no energy left in my body to write anymore.’’

He never disagreed to do things like that. He took his own classnotes, and his friend’s notes too, while his friend doodled on his exercise book.

It was so natural between them.

They didn't do grandiose things together. These trivial things were their signs of caring.

Now no one waits or looks for him in class.

No one to share his homeworks or tiffin with.

No one to lean on him.

5.

2016.

He was so worried about his friend.

The boy wasn’t responding to his texts or calls for almost a week. From yesterday, his phone was switched off.

Even though he didn't know much about mental health problems or their consequences and he wasn’t mature enough to understand the depth of his friend’s problem, he started to worry about his friend from the day the boy confessed his wish to die. Now, he was worrying even more as he couldn’t be there for him.

He wished to go and see his friend, but he was unable to do so because of various circumstances.

Finally, after ten days, he was finally able to reach his friend. He let out a relieved breath when he finally heard the boy’s voice.

‘‘Hey, what happened? I was worried sick for you.’’

‘‘I’m going through a really hard time.’’

Hearing his friend’s voice, his heart sank. He could understand that the boy was clearly not well.

‘‘What’s wrong?’’’

‘‘I can’t tell you everything over phone. It would be best if you were here.’’

Whenever his friend said that he was having a hard time over the phone, he felt at a loss as he could do nothing for his friend. He wanted to go and hold him, tell him feel that he was still there, but he couldn’t.

‘‘I feel so lonely. I want to see you. When will you come here?’’

‘‘On the upcoming days, there is no vacation. Academic stress is eating up all my time. Still, do you need me to come? Then I will take a three-day-leave and go see you.’’

‘‘No need.’’

That was their last phone call.

The next day, he got the news that his friend was gone. The boy committed suicide.

He didn't want to remember that day ever again. In fact, the details were blurry to him.

Why did you forbid me to come? Why?

I should’ve gone. I should have realized that he needed me. I should have not left him alone at his worst time. At least I would be able to see him alive for one more time if I visited him at that time.

He kept regretting that.

The only thing he remembered was the yellow sky. Both of them loved when on some days, the sky turned golden at the twilight. Whenever his friend saw that sky, he always texted him, ‘‘Have you seen the yellow sky?’’

On the day of his friend’s funeral, the sky was golden.

But that boy will never see that again.

From that day on, no one would text him that.

When he boarded the train again to return to the city where his family lived, he looked at the platform. But that day, no one was standing there for him.

He was instantly reminded of his friend, and the tears that he held back for so long, finally started flowing.

6.

2030.

He is driving to home after finishing work for today. In the car, the song Breathe by Lee Hi is playing. It was his best friend’s favourite song, who used to listen to it after suffering from a panic attack every time. After seeing the lyrics he understood why his friend loved that song. It is such a comfort song, especially for people like his best friend who suffered so much inside.

’’Take a deep breath

Until both sides of your heart get numb

Until it hurts a little

Let out your breath even more

Until you feel

Like there's nothing left inside

It's alright if you run out of breath

No one will blame you

It's okay to make mistakes sometimes

Because anyone can do so

Although saying "It's alright" is comforting

They're just words.’’

Today, he met a patient who was about 18 years old. He had the same look in his eyes as his friend. Everyday, he meets at least one person who has that look in eyes. But as for that particular boy, he was even the same age.

That is why he has taken up this profession. He wants to understand more what his friend went through, and he wants to help those people who are like him. He wants to heal their wounds, stay by their side and try to stop them from falling apart. He wants to make their life better.

After coming back home and getting washed up, he opens his drawer and there is an envelope. Inside it, there are two photos. Two copies of one picture. Now both of them belong to him.

In the photos, he and his friend were sitting beside each other, hand in hand, genuine happiness reflected on the latter’s face. That boy looked so young and bright.

In the other side of those photos, they wrote something.

In his friend’s copy, he wrote, ‘‘I wish that you will be happier.’’

In his copy, his friend wrote, ‘‘I love you so much, my friend.’’

Seeing that, tears started streaming down his face. It’s been ten years, he is a grown-up now. But he still can’t stop tearing up when he sees this writing.

He can clearly remember that day. It was the only photo they ever took together. It was this day, sixteen years ago.

He lies on his bed and closes his eyes. The image in his head becomes vivid and clear.

The boy in front of him hasn’t changed a bit. He looks just like the last time he saw the boy alive. His age frozen at 18. He still has those deep and dark eyes.

‘‘Hey,’’ the boy starts, ‘‘I’m so sorry.’’

‘‘Why are you sorry? I am the one who should be sorry.’’

‘‘For what?’’

‘‘For not being able to save you.’’

‘‘It’s not your fault. You did well. You are the only person who accepted me with my mental illness. It’s my fault that I couldn’t hold on, it’s my family’s fault who made me this way and who never treated me well, it’s my classmates’ fault who bullied me once. But it’s never your fault. You are my best friend. My life became too shitty to live on. You are not to blame for that.’’

They remain silent for a while. Then the boy asks,

‘‘How have you been?’’

‘‘Well... I don’t know. Sometimes I feel okay and life is going on. But I live in regret. I think about you every single day. I think how it would be if you were still alive.’’

The other one says nothing, he only put his hands on his best friend’s hand.

His friend calls him, ‘‘Hey.’’

‘‘What?’’

‘‘Come here, I will give you a hug.’’

His friend leans over him, who gives him a warm embrace. He can feel his breathing, his heartbeat, and the sense of comfort he felt.

‘‘I wish I could give you one hug like this before you left. I couldn’t be there in your last days, and I feel so sorry.’’

When he opens his eyes again, it is an empty room. It was all in his head, and he knew it.