We become the Shadows we Seek

I used to feel guilt

I used to feel shame

I used to be the victim

of my self-inflicted, sadistic rage

Change

Blackness

the dark place

Maybe I hid it well

still had enough prideful strength

to smile through the pain

reassure all those fucking faces

( the kindness, the compassion, their pleading faith in my halo; churned my stomach with sickening disgust)

But I finally.........

slipped away.....

out of the limelight,

safe in my isolated cage

Then alone

and so fucking afraid

of myself,

so empty, only the shadow remained.

And the shadow reigned

Almost succumbed to the bitter hollow emptiness

....almost

Change

Read Sylvia

and Zamora

studied Trent

Read all their pain

Suffocation was everywhere

trapped inside the Bell Jar

Can't feel my chest

Then couldn't feel, couldn't cry,

Couldn't move

unless pushed

Cared so much, lost all feeling in both

Became afraid

of unpredictable joy

This, I cannot name.