Every time I wake up,

I'm someone new again.

I'm losing myself,

forgetting myself,

letting my

autopilot

kick in.

Where is my core?

Where is my Soul?

Where is my pain?

My fault,

Didn't stay in touch with myself

Let time pass by,

goes so much faster

than I thought it could.

A stranger to yourself

is a unique kind of loss.

Doing things without meaning,

Still in Life,

but somewhere, stopped living.

I know there was a struggle,

unrelenting,

never ending.

Is this the result,

my unidentifiable self,

Out of all the unknown,

for which I was striving?

In that surreal paradise,

between

asleep and waking,

in suspended animation,

a Soul whose faith

had not yet been shaken,

I crouched above

the world

saw paths I had

never taken...

I scowl at the backyard,

tools cluttering up

my view of nature.

I move them out of the way.

I double-take at the mirror,

showing me this tired reflection.

I turn away.

The scenery on my way to work, on the way to the

grocery store, on the purposeful detours

heading the wrong way,

All look the same.

All around me,

the same, same, same.

I focus on stunting my brain,

attempt to trick my memory,

try not to know

that it's never going to change.

I allow the pictures of you

to seep into my mind,

hear your voice

that gave birth to my name.

Letters forming sounds

that ascertain

I can still feel pain.

The darkness looms

menacingly,

blotting out your image,

So happy and carefree.

I backpedal furiously,

can't close my eyes

to what's inside of me.

I must remove

what I don't want to see.

And when I open my eyes

again,

I am blind to everything

in front of me.

I ask this question in the stupefied amazement of one who believes that such a thought could not have possibly ever existed before...

"Why?!"

"Why!?". "Is it so fucking hard?" "Why?!". "Will you solidify my ache, capture my Soul as it breaks?".

Is this a method which takes the place of a blind, fervent grace?

Is this what it takes?!

Please tell me that

Ultimate Truth

the one that will finally

put my Soul at ease.

Guide me, please

to that sublime path

somewhere in the in-between

where my heart

won't be assaulted

with the thistles on the brambles,

or sliced into neat little diamond shards

from the jagged edges

of unspent dreams

taunting me from

the gold flecked streets.

I just want to

breathe

without my chest

caving in.

I just want to

stretch my happiness

without it breaking,

snapping me back

to my painful place again.

I don't want

to play

anymore games

of pretend.

Please give me

some reprieve

from the strife

while I still have

some Life to Live.

They said

to stop daydreaming.

They told me

to face real Life.

Did that

Now I'm almost dead

inside.

Gotta bring me back.

Fuck everyone else.

They are human,

after all,

a human not so much better

than me.

So now I've made myself

this vow,

Don't listen to

anyone else.

Trust yourself.

Don't explain.

Let them complain.

Even when you're spinning

in circles,

In your virtual mind,

Don't look around

for some we one else's hand

to guide you.

You are wise

Beyond your knowledge.

The power stems from

your unconscious thoughts.

The ones that keep at you.

PAY ATTENTION!

You will not disappear

from this world

without impact.

Just do your thing,

amidst the beggars

all around you,

in their guise of

quick schemes,

their glitzy promise

of what they tell you

should be

dreams.

Once, when I felt free,

I became aware of the bubble

I had been trapped in.

To think that there could be

an entirely different feeling

in this world I thought I knew...

To understand the existence

that was beyond my grasp.

This is what it feels like

to be cheated,

to be betrayed.

I long to glimpse

that moment again.

Where Life is about

Living,

Not just struggling

from one pain

to the next.

All of our smiles fall short

Miss their mark.

You think you're so genuine,

So encapsulated by your

Inner joy.

Trust this

That I am telling you,

Your time will come,

Your demons will outrun

Your diligent race

To the center of your Soul.

Don't have any demons?

Well, don't worry,

I can change that for you soon enough.

Oh, no, it's no trouble,

In fact, I absolutely insist.

You need this gift ,

If you don't have it.

It's our birthright,

Our defining trait,

This agony, fear, terror, hate.

Our loneliness, insecurities, .Our OCD, our polarity shifting brains.

Our ache.

That ache, that ache, that ache.

The ache we smile with,

To let everyone else know it's okay,

So we can be left alone in our loneliness

To go on trying being human

Just one more day.

This place

we inhabit

is just a theoretical

fuckpot

of questions

and maybe's.

All the alterations

we seek

for a hope of a peek

into the

Unimaginable,

takes us

probably nowhere

but around the cycle

of all we'll ever

know to be.