I am
the pitch-perfect persona
of avoidance
and disillusionment
I am not omitting
Denial
in error.
I am acutely aware
of how fucked up
you have been.
My petition on excuses
for bad behavior
has been echoing on
rebound throughout the whole of
this Life.
No blame
No blame
despite this frisson of pain,
for the reasons
justify the rage
No blame
for we are all circumstantial victims
No blame
I can nail to the source
of your shame
No blame
pleads the heart (mine,
yours?)
that resides so resolutely,
Impossibly
beating and bleeding
and continuing
so annoyingly...
R. Padilla
Standing in the shower thinking...
Still dripping wet from
tears on the inside,
I fight to find a
place in my throat,
where the guilt horror fear disbelief
selfishness lies
can harbor for
just the right amount of time
that it will take
for this flash of
Painsight
to shred itself down onto these pages,
and then disappear harmlessly
into the vapor which has been
behind the sturdy shield of
blissful malignance,
shallow self-deception,
and careless, wanton emptiness
cultured all in this hotbed of cruelness
that is me.
Ahhhh, it's gone,
left a little behind in the back of
my conscience,
tucked into the soft spot
of my throat,
where the vulnerability is the hardest
to ignore
whenever I try to swallow this,
which has been
shoved
down
deep.
The Art of Keeping Still
With your fists,
you can show me the
right path
With your fists,
I am no longer
angry
back
and I think i've
dropped
off
some of my craziness
with you
my silence
is not weak,
nor merely submissive.
No,
it's the hush
like sand
that is stepped on
and shaped
and molded
easily
to one's will....
but prevails still
exists still
is strong
is mighty
is gossamer
is rock
R.
(late 2014)
Self-Sacrifice
Don't you see that this pushes
me, pushes me
shoves me back in this corner
where I can't breathe
makes me feel like I'm not good enough, worth enough
decompresses me
unempowers me
desanctifies my needs
until yours have swallowed me,
devoured me,
slithered into every part of me
until
there is no me.
And so this is why, don't you see.
But the ultimate blame
falls and stalls on me
because I invited you to
let this bad blood seep into
us
I now see
how blinded I turned you and me
in the first place.
R.
Devils Playing Frisbee with Halos
She is angry
the Universe has not been kind
lately
But the galaxies
owe her nothing
They have their own troubles
Their own demons
In the shapes of meteors
And Gods
She is disgusted with
her helplessness
her pitiful attempts at
explanations
She is so sick
Of that
Merry-go-Round in her head
Pick me
Pick me
Such a silly answer for this ridiculousness
And she is out of questions
The Falling of Grace
December 28, 2011
Today
could be the day
that I lose it all
fall from grace
break every promise
and vow
on my way
down
Today
might be a day
where nothing
happens at all
Save face
lose my place a couple of times
without any witness
to my non- existent will
Today will come
by and by,
doesn't appear
as though I even try
But there are wits
battling within my mind
Forces I dont
have the strength
to cast aside
Tomorrow
I might run from you
and hide
Today
I will just endure
and wake up from
the dream,
try hard not to cry
Where the best man survives...
R. Padilla
We become the Shadows we Seek
I used to feel guilt
I used to feel shame
I used to be the victim
of my self-inflicted, sadistic rage
Change
Blackness
the dark place
Maybe I hid it well
still had enough prideful strength
to smile through the pain
reassure all those fucking faces
( the kindness, the compassion, their pleading faith in my halo; churned my stomach with sickening disgust)
But I finally.........
slipped away.....
out of the limelight,
safe in my isolated cage
Then alone
and so fucking afraid
of myself,
so empty, only the shadow remained.
And the shadow reigned
Almost succumbed to the bitter hollow emptiness
....almost
Change
Read Sylvia
and Zamora
studied Trent
Read all their pain
Suffocation was everywhere
trapped inside the Bell Jar
Can't feel my chest
Then couldn't feel, couldn't cry,
Couldn't move
unless pushed
Cared so much, lost all feeling in both
Became afraid
of unpredictable joy
This, I cannot name.
Matrix: Decoded
In and out
Of the blur
Stuck
and mostly never at ease
anymore
until the darkness is surrounding her
erasing her presence
Breathing comes easier now,
and she feels absolved somehow
When In the blur
she feels connected
never rejected
but the blur is conditional
...and never dependable
You know we're stuck
it's like a time warp in here
and even though we feel like what
might pass as real,
I think we've been distracted way too
long behind this veil
“How do you know if you’re really in Love, or just in a Porno?”
sore throat spray
Cuz I like the feeling of numbness
the shower so hot
It hurts
the curiousness in the
Scarlet of my blood
Staying high all the time to keep you off my mind
the violence of thunderstorms
and furious rain
Almost,almost enough to satiate
this rage
Bruises from your fingertips
on the insides of my thighs
the memory of your grip on my trachea
brings back my smile like sunshine
But still, I have to try to stay high
all the time, to keep you off my mind