"you were in love with me?"

it was cold sitting outside the cafe instead of inside but it seemed to keep me present. i had had my suspicions about his side of our friendship, but i wasn't expecting it to be the reason for our sudden reconnection.

"yeah."

he sipped his latte and let the cup linger against his lips.

"you never said anything."

he looked at me for the first time since he'd admitted he never just wanted to be friends.

"i was scared. you were my best friend, i couldn't risk us."

"were?"

he smiled. it didn't look forced, but it wasn't happy. he looked sad, almost sorry for me. i shifted uncomfortably and he moved his left hand, which reminded me of the ring.

he's not mine anymore. not my best friend who i loved for loving me.

"i should go."

he stood up and hung his jacket over his arm.

"come to the wedding."

he smiled again and i tried to return it.

i stayed sitting there until my drink had turned cold and pigeons started to feel comfortable to come closer.

was i in love with him?

i was crushed when i heard he was getting married. maybe that meant i was jealous of his partner.

i didn't love him though. not really. i loved that he loved me.

i sat in the guilt of realising my own selfishness. i felt like crying, but it wouldn't happen and i chided myself when the waiter came out and i quietly hoped they thought i was pretty.

i left and tried to decide if i would go to the wedding.

i missed him.