the devil wears loose skin and drinks green tea
plain, just like she hates it
the devil spends long nights researching
she asks me to cry so she can sleep
and she doesn't like my clothes
the devil spends her spare time in the bathroom
she scrubs her body down to size
and stands between me and the mirror
the devil is more afraid than you realise
she wants to be loved, to be desirable
she attempts to murder me in her fervour
i will never forgive her
and i will always want her
whatever it means to have a type, i wouldn't have thought she was mine. but she's softer than she lets on. she's stubborn and kind. she's caring in a way that tries to hide and she's more scared than i thought.
she works almost every day and her hair falls so it's framing her face. she wears her hair up except for when she's home and her favourite clip to use is marbled black and white. and she's so beautiful it pricks my skin.
vindicate me of myself
after i've explained to you
lengthily how i am unlovable
every bit of evidence i've created
nailed to the walls of my brain
tell me how wrong i am
indulge me with the reasons you like me
name all my best qualities
end your presentation with proof
slide a hand across my chest
don't expect me to believe it though
all love can be explained away by the liar in my head
you're too lovely
i'm from the mountains
how often have i said that
when i'm from the sky
i was born on a
mountain, fallen from above
not knowing too much
i'm from the mountains
that's not a metaphor, i'm
a proud mountains kid
i'm worried i'm trying too hard, that people don't take me at face value. writing has always been easy for me. it's simple to put little bits of myself into art. it's not always this painful passion, it's just this thing that's always there. after a long day i just write about it. when i can't talk i write, when i feel too much i write, and it's not very romantic.
i'm attempting honesty through art because god knows i can't speak it and it scares me that people might think i'm trying to be someone. i don't know who i am and it doesn't hurt all that much. i'm just writing about it all. not pushing anything, not faking anything, just writing. sending little love letters into the universe and waiting for someone to write back.
gender is joy
it's often taken and turned
told that it hurts
that it's killing people
condemning children
but the only real pain
is the insistence of it
you want to convince me
that it's terminal
that it's contagious
that it's ruining me
when it is me
the cross-dressing
the butterfly clips
and body hair
and makeup
and elegance
and roughness
it's all me
i am infinite
how could i only nurture
how could i only hunt
when there's such beauty in both
i contain dualities, contradictions,
multitudes and endless change
i am a boy and a girl
a fuckery of inbetweenness
and stunning confusion
i cross from parts of myself to the other
joyfully and understandingly
i am such a gentle boy
and such a ferocious young girl
gender has brought me compassion
for myself and the conflicts of life
i love my friends and the way we exist
there is nothing wrong with us
i love gender
listen to me
you're loved and there's nothing you can do
you can't convince them otherwise
you can't reveal a plan you don't have
surrender to this exhaustion you feel
the tire from controlling
controlling the direction
the distance
the amount
the size
you can't keep up with yourself forever
let others tell you the truth
because you seem to have lied to yourself
you're fallible and loved
fail and love them back
waves sit in your chest
a blueness has taken you
sick around your heart
it enjoys the feast
devouring your lungs and head
maybe you do too
another shade calls
"blue skies ahead,"they will say
how do they differ?
it's really stupid
i feel sick when i think of her
a nice sick
i don't know how to talk to her
or when to
it's all confusing and awful
and i love it so much
i feel awkward and hurt
and guilty and not good enough
and happy and giddy
and normal and so so strange
i don't know why she likes me
i don't know what to do
sometime's it's good
sometimes i can just feel it
and sometimes it crushes me
along with everything else
it's very hard to not feel sad
it's the medication
and the healthy patterns
that make me say
"but i'm doing well
but at least it's bearable"
the downward swing hurts
knowing there will be another one
the upward swing instills me with hope
there will be another one
nothing is permanent
this too will pass
and it will come back
grief at my door like an old friend
she pins me down
makes me stay with her
because if she's alone
what happens will be my fault
i don't know how to get rid of her
she's always been there
and maybe i love her
it's hard not to feel sad