How to be a professional denialist in ten easy steps

from the dawn of civilization, arguments arose between individuals and groups of people. people essentially contentious, with brief moments of agreement. in the golden age of Greece, polemicist, and sophists practiced honing their skills of arguing pointlessly to their amusement. they professed no allegiance to a greater underlying truth, to hinder their flexibly weilded logic. those days of carefree bickering were replaced with more rigorous demands, as arguments were now required to conform to an established philosophy (for those who chose to be mind-fuckers) and the code of law (for those who wanted to be lawyers and statsmen) . a dark time followed, where much that could be said in denial was pronounced as illegitimate or erroneous or batshit. fortunately modern history proved that with all the kings horses and all the kings men, we can put philosophy together again.

that's right, we kive in a wonderfully ambiguous time, where what is right is maybe right and what is wrong is always wrong.

which is where YOU can step in and make mucho Dinerro!!!!

you see, while there is still work for people who manipilate rational arguments in public, there is MORE money to be found in undermining rationality, established knowledge and conventions. you don't need to be a scientist, or a doctor, you just do your crazy, noisy bit and deny whatever it is that the client is paying you!

so how to get started:

1)practice denying stuff. it's fun an envigorating! try denying earthquakes, try denying traffic jams. its easy to do. JUST SAY 'NUH UHH'!! let's practice: was there a big, disastrous earthquake???

that's right! 'nuh uhh' . see? you fucking did it!!!

2) we have an alternative form of expression for denying things: it didn't OR it Wasn't.

practice denying stuff with the new denial phrase. it's easy, isn't it? don't worry about long form, stick to contractions!!!

3) find a contentious topic, say the question of taxing the rich. think quickly, which side is likely to pay you? Cui Bono? take the time and bring your enthusiasm for getting paid to those that will pay you. sure, they will look down at you from their silken, cushioned seat among the clouds, and they might throw more money at you just so you don't come close enough, or to make sure you wash your hands after going potty, but more is better.

once you made your willingness to support whatever they need you to support, get to work. be noisy and abnoxious, just keep denying stuff. make sure they pay upfront. tangible results of denial are hard to prove.

4) keep a record of all interactions you have with everybody, particularly your newly found employers. years later, you'll be able to turn this incriminating, conspirational or damming correspondence to avoid prosecution. remember:being state's witness is not fun, and future clients will doubt your professional discretion. alternatively, you could get a ghost writer to write a memoir. NDAs may be a problem, but they are not a wall.

5) if faced with a debate , be oreemptive- this does not mean you need to prepare knowledgeable arguments and be able to bring forth obscure detsils. but you should try find out about the guy you will be arguing with. turn things aggressively by attacking their standing, morality, humanity or existence. (i.e: 'i would gladly present a rebuttal, if only the person i am debating with ever existed. ). don't worry if your words have any consequence, or are hurtful. remember that sticks and stones break bones and words may only cause mild damage to the inner ear.

4) for legal purposes, allege things. you can say all kinds of things, and avoid prosecution, if you phrase it as a hypothetical question.

3) if you are found out at fault, criticized or defamed, invoke your right for free speech, religious freedom of freedom of conscience. this little tool turns any one criticizing you as a petty persecutor, or an indignant tyrant. remember, being a professional denier is about the 'suit' you are wearing: a morally superior, upright individual, whovjust wants the truth to come out. no one buys this, but no one expects waiters to advise you of the stock portfolio, yet they need to wear a suit too.

2) biggotry is a must- you must show those who will employ you that you too are morally murky. they might loath the sight of you, you racist scum (or sexist jerk) , but they surecas hell will not want some fuddy duddy liberal. (unless you already have liberal creds, which you hope to monetize on). funny enough, deep down you may find all this bigotry preposterous, but you get paid for the show.

1) do not question the numbering scheme in this article. also, do not question the typos, and any or all other mistakes. come to think of it, consider it a final test. is this article flawed in any way?