Flames Die, So Do I
Don't tell me to look on the bright side,
because I am the bright side,
at least I am to you,
and to my lover and my brother and my mother.
I try so hard to keep smiling,
because when I do
it's wide and white and infectious,
but when I don't it's small and it's twisted and it's bitter
it's ugly
because the world is ugly
and everyday I try to fight the world
but the world is an opponent you cannot win against
because it is too big to be a direct target.
There's no winning against something that's only in your head,
because your head is your weakness,
your Achilles heel
at least it's mine,
tell me is it this way for you to?
Because you don't act like it
and it's really confusing for me.
I'm not sure where to go from here,
or how to keep breathing stale air and unsure gestures.
All I know is you tell me to keep looking forward.
But there is no forward,
because for so long you put me at the front of the wolf pack.
Where do I go when I'm supposed to be the leader,
and the horizon is ended
and all I'm seeing is empty space.
There's nowhere to go and nowhere to turn and I just stay still
And it eats me up
It doesn't have teeth though,
it's just tight and uncomfortable and everyday is painful
but no I'm not suicidal
so no you don't need to put me in the psych ward
or put me on a 72-hour watch
or take away my razors
or my rope
or my chairs
because just like my fear of heights and the darkness
you cannot take away my deadly things
because they are in my head
and they will kill me
as surely as a serrated blade or a noose made out of sheets
I am not safe from myself because the horrors in my head are dangerous
and you aren't aware I need help,
because I am the bright side you look towards in darkness
and the light isn't supposed to go out.