My self-destructive cycle.

I used to feel lost, gone. I used to wake up every morning and feel the heaviness in my chest. I used to take walks to clear the fogginess in my brain. I would write daily in my journal about how scared I was.

Then I would stop writing. I would realize that complaining wouldn't get me anywhere. I would stuff everything down. The sadness, the fear, the loneliness, and the pain would all be stuffed and pushed down, down, down, until unrecognizable by my peers.

Then, somehow, the feelings rose. They took control and found a way to make me pay. They were sneaky, these feelings. They guided me to do very very impulsive, reckless things. Like reaching out to a person bad for me, or to do self-harm.

Then, the self-criticism came. I would ridicule myself for being so messed up. I mean wtf right? Everything that happened to me was years ago, and yet here I am drowning in the same shit. I know, that's PTSD for ya, but I just hate that I can't seem to move past this. I'm stuck in this cycle of self-destruction and I really, really want out.

Because if I don't get out, I just know I will turn out like my bio mom. I KNOW it. I seem to be becoming more and more like her every day. I have so many goals too, and I can't waste all the resources I have now just because of this godforsaken cycle.

I'm a pretty smart kid. Straight A's (except for the freaking B I have, aaah). I do sports and plan to go to college. But lately, I've lost the drive to keep focusing, I don't care as much. That scares me because I am going to high school next year where grades actually matter. Ug, sorry to go all nerdy on you.

Yeah well, I feel better now so I'm going to stop rambling. I had a plan for this journal thing, but it got away from me so this is fine, I guess.