

Soar away
If I could do anything
If I could go anywhere
I would soar away
To a place far from here
I would leave all of my worries behind
I would just close my eyes
And let go
I would let go of my past
I would let go of my pain
I would buy a jet
And soar away
Far from this place
If I could do anything
If I could go anywhere
I would soar away
Away from my own head
Away from the anxiety and expectations
I would just jump out of the jet
I would close my eyes
And I would feel free
I would be free
My therapist recently challenged me to try free writing, which apparently means to just write what comes out without overthinking. This is what came out in the five minutes I dedicated to his request lol. It's not much but it's what I've got for now.
F*cked up
My grandparents. They are conservative, Fox 'news' watching, trump supporting, LGBTQIA+ hating, people. I love them, I do, I can't blame them for the way they were raised, but still, ignorance does not excuse racism. People are raised with toxic ideas all the time, and once they are adults, it is up to them to educate themselves.
My school. I go to a predominately white school, with a Native American as my mascot, I am used to pretty ignorant people, I hear the N-word and F-word thrown around like it's nothing, and the teachers do nothing about it. My classmates have said blatantly racist things to me, and I always, and I mean always, feel that I am in the wrong for taking it seriously as if I am the problem.
My point? I have to watch my mouth in front of my grandparents, I can't even discuss race unless I am prepared for them to spin it into some kind of debate. I also have to watch my mouth at my own school. Even in front of my all-white friends. For some odd reason, I feel invalid for talking about race in front of my own friends! I feel guilty for censoring a big part of me. I am a victim of racism all the time, and yet, if I talked to my grandparents about it, they would explain it away. If I talked to my friends about it, they would quickly change the subject. Even now I feel someone is going to defend them, I don't know, it's f*cked up.
Inner Critic
Eyes, lips, curls, tongue, ears, all are significant parts of me. The parts of me I try my best to not judge. But sometimes...
Sometimes I fail, and I find myself falling into the darkness I used to call my home. In those moments, it is vital to cling to the positive. It is vital to cling to the ones you love. I force myself to think of the things I am grateful for, such as family, friends, free education, and books. But sometimes, even that fails, and I find myself defenseless against my biggest enemy...
My inner critic.
It tears me apart from the inside, dissecting and labeling all of my flaws. All I can do is wait it out. All I can do is sit there calmly, and breathe. After the war inside of me is over, I assess the damage, I observe the sore parts of my soul, the parts that were attacked. All I want to do is collapse into myself, but I know I can't. I know I have to get up again.
I have so much to live for.
Saying goodbye
Goodbye
I never knew
that uttering those
two
simple
syllables
would tear my heart to shreds
Shout-out to HIM
You loved me
when I could not love myself
you made me smile
you made me laugh
but most of all
you made me happy
and I will never forget that
Naive?
Was I asking for it
letting you in I mean
you lifted me up
until I couldn't breath
you made me feel perfect
amazing, alive
now I'm here alone
suffering the pain of your absence
I know it was for the best
but it still hurts like hell
knowing you're somewhere out there
breathing, alive and well
Was I naive
to fall for someone like you
you thought it was infatuation
I however knew...
I knew that we were good together
But soon found out we were perfect
Now I'm here crying over what you have broken
my heart, once one...
is now broken into two
Valid
Am I valid to feel this way?
I feel as if these feelings will forever stay.
Can I truly go on living like this?
Like a scared little kid clinging to a familiar abyss?
Hypocrite
I am sick and tired
of being messed up
when being messed up
includes pushing people away
I am sick and tired
of plastering on a smile
just so others can feel better about themselves
I am sick and tired
of feeling invalid
for being upset
I am sick and tired
of claiming I will change
and then doing jack shit about it
I am sick and tired
of the regret
that continues to swarm my brain
every. single. day.
But most of all
I am sick and tired
of being the biggest hypocrite of all.
Roller coaster
Up and down
Your heart weighs pounds
Your head is making sounds
It's always loud
Close your eyes
Block out the lies
Run into the night
As if made of light
Up and down
Your head is a cloud
The voices are loud
The worries mound
Then there's no sound
Close your eyes
Try your best to be kind
As you fall apart from the inside
You find out that your heart has lied
Up and down
Don't you dare shout
Your mind fills with doubt
Ug, I really suck at poems but I tried. :) I dunno if it made any sense though.
Lyrics I just came up with
cuz I'm stuck in this cloud of rain
stuck in this cloud of pain
and i don't know where else to run
yeah, yeah
and im
drowning in this pool of pain
drowning in this pool of rain
drowning in this pool of tears i cried
because you
left me here to die
left me here to cry
left me here to drown
yeah
cuz im stuck in this cloud of rain
stuck in this cloud of pain
and I don't know where else to run
yeah, yeah
spinning in circles
the tears stream down your face
the pain isn't washed away
it only grows
yeah yeah
cuz i'm stuck in this cloud of rain
stuck in this cloud of pain
and I don't know where else to run
yeah, yeah
the pain is more consistent
the pain is louder
it only grows grows grows
cuz i'm
stuck in this cloud of rain
stuck in this cloud of pain
and I don't know where else to run
yeah yeah
Needs a LOT of work, but this is the first song I've written in a loooong time, so I think it's decent. I need all the suggestions I can get so comment on!
P.S. Don't mind grammar. And if it sucks please let me know, I won't be hurt.