If I could do anything

If I could go anywhere

I would soar away

To a place far from here

I would leave all of my worries behind

I would just close my eyes

And let go

I would let go of my past

I would let go of my pain

I would buy a jet

And soar away

Far from this place

If I could do anything

If I could go anywhere

I would soar away

Away from my own head

Away from the anxiety and expectations

I would just jump out of the jet

I would close my eyes

And I would feel free

I would be free

My therapist recently challenged me to try free writing, which apparently means to just write what comes out without overthinking. This is what came out in the five minutes I dedicated to his request lol. It's not much but it's what I've got for now.

My grandparents. They are conservative, Fox 'news' watching, trump supporting, LGBTQIA+ hating, people. I love them, I do, I can't blame them for the way they were raised, but still, ignorance does not excuse racism. People are raised with toxic ideas all the time, and once they are adults, it is up to them to educate themselves.

My school. I go to a predominately white school, with a Native American as my mascot, I am used to pretty ignorant people, I hear the N-word and F-word thrown around like it's nothing, and the teachers do nothing about it. My classmates have said blatantly racist things to me, and I always, and I mean always, feel that I am in the wrong for taking it seriously as if I am the problem.

My point? I have to watch my mouth in front of my grandparents, I can't even discuss race unless I am prepared for them to spin it into some kind of debate. I also have to watch my mouth at my own school. Even in front of my all-white friends. For some odd reason, I feel invalid for talking about race in front of my own friends! I feel guilty for censoring a big part of me. I am a victim of racism all the time, and yet, if I talked to my grandparents about it, they would explain it away. If I talked to my friends about it, they would quickly change the subject. Even now I feel someone is going to defend them, I don't know, it's f*cked up.

Eyes, lips, curls, tongue, ears, all are significant parts of me. The parts of me I try my best to not judge. But sometimes...

Sometimes I fail, and I find myself falling into the darkness I used to call my home. In those moments, it is vital to cling to the positive. It is vital to cling to the ones you love. I force myself to think of the things I am grateful for, such as family, friends, free education, and books. But sometimes, even that fails, and I find myself defenseless against my biggest enemy...

My inner critic.

It tears me apart from the inside, dissecting and labeling all of my flaws. All I can do is wait it out. All I can do is sit there calmly, and breathe. After the war inside of me is over, I assess the damage, I observe the sore parts of my soul, the parts that were attacked. All I want to do is collapse into myself, but I know I can't. I know I have to get up again.

I have so much to live for.

Goodbye

I never knew

that uttering those

two

simple

syllables

would tear my heart to shreds

You loved me

when I could not love myself

you made me smile

you made me laugh

but most of all

you made me happy

and I will never forget that

Was I asking for it

letting you in I mean

you lifted me up

until I couldn't breath

you made me feel perfect

amazing, alive

now I'm here alone

suffering the pain of your absence

I know it was for the best

but it still hurts like hell

knowing you're somewhere out there

breathing, alive and well

Was I naive

to fall for someone like you

you thought it was infatuation

I however knew...

I knew that we were good together

But soon found out we were perfect

Now I'm here crying over what you have broken

my heart, once one...

is now broken into two

Am I valid to feel this way?

I feel as if these feelings will forever stay.

Can I truly go on living like this?

Like a scared little kid clinging to a familiar abyss?

I am sick and tired

of being messed up

when being messed up

includes pushing people away

I am sick and tired

of plastering on a smile

just so others can feel better about themselves

I am sick and tired

of feeling invalid

for being upset

I am sick and tired

of claiming I will change

and then doing jack shit about it

I am sick and tired

of the regret

that continues to swarm my brain

every. single. day.

But most of all

I am sick and tired

of being the biggest hypocrite of all.

Up and down

Your heart weighs pounds

Your head is making sounds

It's always loud

Close your eyes

Block out the lies

Run into the night

As if made of light

Up and down

Your head is a cloud

The voices are loud

The worries mound

Then there's no sound

Close your eyes

Try your best to be kind

As you fall apart from the inside

You find out that your heart has lied

Up and down

Don't you dare shout

Your mind fills with doubt

Ug, I really suck at poems but I tried. :) I dunno if it made any sense though.

cuz I'm stuck in this cloud of rain

stuck in this cloud of pain

and i don't know where else to run

yeah, yeah

and im

drowning in this pool of pain

drowning in this pool of rain

drowning in this pool of tears i cried

because you

left me here to die

left me here to cry

left me here to drown

yeah

cuz im stuck in this cloud of rain

stuck in this cloud of pain

and I don't know where else to run

yeah, yeah

spinning in circles

the tears stream down your face

the pain isn't washed away

it only grows

yeah yeah

cuz i'm stuck in this cloud of rain

stuck in this cloud of pain

and I don't know where else to run

yeah, yeah

the pain is more consistent

the pain is louder

it only grows grows grows

cuz i'm

stuck in this cloud of rain

stuck in this cloud of pain

and I don't know where else to run

yeah yeah

Needs a LOT of work, but this is the first song I've written in a loooong time, so I think it's decent. I need all the suggestions I can get so comment on!

P.S. Don't mind grammar. And if it sucks please let me know, I won't be hurt.