Body Dysmorphic

You stare into the mirror,

'I look cute today', you deduce with a bright smile

'Yea, like a chubby lil adorable piggy', you smile back sardonically

'Not today'

'No everyday'

You walk away feeling pained

You skip breakfast because you lost your appetite.

Or so you tell yourself.

Around one past midday, 

You feel the beginning of a headache,

A telltale sign, hunger.

'I should get something, even though I don't fell hungry'

You get up.

'You don't deserve food'

You sit down.

'Even if you don't, your body needs something'

You buy an apple and a water.

You eat and feel content.

Your friends look at you weirdly,

You shrug.

'It's filling', you smile.

Your brain has convinced your body but your friends aren't.

You spend the rest of the day in classes,

Listening, writing learning

Ignoring.

You get home,

You avoid the kitchen.

Shower and head to bed.

This is your routine, with the daily mix of a sugarless cup of brewed coffee or green tea for lunch.

Or intermittently eat dinner to not be too suspicious,

After which hating yourself for having so much.

Or a fruit salad and sugarless tea to stay up and study.

You eventually break this cycle and start eating at least twice per day.

You silence the voice of argue.

You break this habit after months of consolation.

One evening after a long day on the road, you feel for a treat.

You get a scoop of coconut ice-cream and mixed nuts.

You walk past a relative, cup in hand.

"I knew you couldn't stay away for too long", they smile as you burrow your eyebrows in confusion.

"What do you mean by that."

"You had to have something when you got in. I knew you would."

You, stare as you understand what is being implied.

Gluttony.

You try again.

"What are you implying?"

Their eyes slowly scan your body from head to toe, then shrug.

"Well. You know what I mean."

You stare into their condescending smile.

You glance down into your cup, appetite gone and a feeling of distaste envelopes you.

The voice whispers after a long spell of silence.

'She thinks you eat too much and you're fat.'

You stare at the cup, returned to the kitchen and place it in the freezer.

You past the same relative, again.

"Where's your snack? You finished already?"

"No its in the kitchen"

You hear the thoughts of old habits circulate around you like a chorus.

You hate it, yet welcome it.

You recall your days of consolation.

'You deserve to have what you want. You are not harming yourself or others'

'Not yet'

You struggle as you return to the kitchen, determined to have your treat.

'Just this once'

'No'

'Yes'

You take the first teaspoon full, hands shaking in resistance.

You place it in your mouth, tempted to spit it out.

Your jaw goes slack in rebellion.

You force yourself to swallow as your favourite ice-cream tastes like nothing.

You feel ashamed of your BD,

You have the rest to feel stronger, in control.

Deserving.

You grimace at the cup,

Washing it quickly as if to get the evidence away from your sight.

You feel ashamed to eat the known fatty food, though you know the brand was low in sugar if not sugarless.

But it was still ic-cream, a product known to fatten.

A product with which you share a dysfunctional relationship,

much like its dairy counterparts.

You force yourself to accept it.

You know you should.

But not tonight,

Not when that unexpected conversation kept playing in your head,

as well as the knowing look you got.

The same you get, feel or see others give you or anyone like you.

Thought you knew it was the opposite.

Your size defines you to others, as well as your prescribed behaviours.

They assume and past judgement.

They comment without a care,

You build a thick wall but a small crack still brings acute pain,

a crack that can enlarge. 

Body Dysmorphic Disorders affect a large spectrum of individuals,

the ones that seem OK, are usually the ones that aren't.

Be careful of what you say to others.

You may never know what they are fighting against.