A cloud.

I believe my below-double-digits years would have been the same. That person would still have been the one to take care of us, back then. Although, if she was a lesbian, maybe none of that would've happened to me. I can't go back in time and ask her about her sexuality though - and thank fook for that.

My mother would still have bought books for me to read. Enid Blyton, my first writer. Luckily, the books written by that woman were not usually easy to gender? I doubt I would have gotten the chance to read it if the literal *children's books* had leaned too far into the opposite gendered vibe.

Would probably have missed out on Malory Towers and St Claires, though.

My sister and I would still have competed, constantly compared to each other. Maybe my father would have spent a bit more time with me... But that's doubtful, really. Sis would have been the first daughter and I would have been the first son. Accorded a slight bit more importance as a guy. Told about my duty to take over things as the next in succession while my older sister would have been reminded that she has to do her chores as the "Ada".

I don't know. I choose not to listen when I hear stupid shit like "head of the house" because it truly matters so little to me. I'm sapphic. And honestly, I can't tell if I would have liked women as much or at all if I was born male? Life is shaped by experiences as a beaten path forms from the steps of so many. But at least, my interest in women wouldn't have been illegal in the country I've lived my entire life in as a guy.

Ahem. I wouldn't have gotten as many stuffies, though. What a shame... I loved all my little fuzzers. But I probably would've gotten more lego for birthdays. Or superhero action figures instead of barbie dolls! I would have liked that. We got legos once. I was ten years old, finally and we were allowed anything so... Mhmm. My little brother has been given many of those. Action figures, too. So much to enjoy; that child. But that's not on his gender. It's because he's always felt he's free to ask while I felt ashamed to open my mouth for so much of my life.

I would have gone to an all-boys school. I spent a year alone and friendless when I entered secondary school, up until I found people to sit with so I didn't feel as weird as I used to every time lunch rolled around. I probably would've gotten bullied if surrounded by boys... Feels like they would be meaner. But that's just the media I've seen talking, not experience cos I've seen boys be goofy and supportive on one hand and gleefully cruel to each other as well. And women... My feelings for them are terrifying. But people of that gender have also done terrible things to me in other ways so...

That said; I have a feeling my self-loathing and depression would have appeared regardless. The anxiety, too. It grew from comparing myself to everyone constantly. From not feeling like I was "enough" to be allowed to exist. And these are things that haunt all humans in different ways... I think.

Fear and shame were taught as doctrines by my parents. It seemed the only way to raise a child, I guess - theirs did the very same. I wouldn't say it turned out beneficial, though. Not in the slightest.

Perhaps barely-over-preteen boy me would have gotten sucked into messed up online "relationships" by gross men, too. I don't know if there would have been half as many, if at all, though. They all seemed pretty satisfied with the fact that I was simply a human female. I doubt there were any other requirements - me being a minor was probably even more of a "turn-on".

Logically... I know that being a male wouldn't change too much. I'd probably still develop in this way that I feel unsafe and lost often. Like many. I'm not alone in that, even if it understandably feels that way. However... The only guys in my real life are my father and brother. I've had a couple others as actual friends, too. And they all seem... I wouldn't say they've figured it out all. No. They have their sadness. And they often hide their pain because it seemed "the right thing to do". The man thing to do, maybe? Sadly? We all tend to conceal those parts of ourselves we're certain are unworthy of seeing the light of day.

I assume so. Again. All this is speculation... Because I was curious of what my answer would be.

I just wonder if I would have had a steadier footing. If I would have been looked at by ewwies as more than something to simply woo and please them and create babies. I know there are just as many men who have gone through mental issues as there are in any other gender. That have been broken and crushed by themselves and others and have struggled to be alive in the silence of their dark rooms. In public. With family and friends.

Gender is... A tricky thing to get into the complexities of.

We just aren't that different at the basis of things. The main feature so much of the world uses to differentiate "opposite sex" is just that. That thing below. Does it dangle or not? And such. And that's how it's been... And for most people, it's correct enough. For me? I just wish we could ignore what's there when raising children. So we could all have been raised without these notions - of who and what a person of so and so gender must act like and wear and become - drilled into our heads.

Maybe the world would be better then. Kinder. I'd like to think people would. But what do I know? I'm a person with so and so genital who might've preferred to be a cloud.