My parents didn’t know what sex I was prior to my birth. They decided on two names: Aaron if I was born male and Valerie if I was born female. Both names carry the definition of strong: valiant, brave, exalted. Either way, I was coming into this world with no other option but to be the strongest human being I could be.

Aaron still would have had to battle being forced into being a parent of two younger siblings and morphing into a little adult without his consent. He would constantly feel like he couldn’t be a kid and that so much more was expected from him as the oldest child. Despite always feeling that he was expected to act older than he was, he would be told that he was too young to do things, denied experiences because there was no precedent to show his parents whether or not said experience would be okay. He would have to babysit his siblings when his parents went out. He would have to be the leader when things needed to happen around the house and have his siblings be pissed off at him for trying to keep the peace.

As Aaron grew up, he would have been able to navigate his personal appearance with ease; boys' clothing was far more basic and it’s normal and acceptable for boys to just wear t-shirts and jeans, flannels, look sloppy with disheveled hair of all lengths.

Valerie was always told that girls had long hair, dressed a certain way, needed to be careful with her weight. She was often told she didn’t look feminine enough. She had to fight for her short hair, the clothes she felt like herself in, her overall comfort.

Aaron would have been encouraged to speak up, claim his space, not be afraid to be assertive with what he wanted and expected. He would have been taught to ask that girl out, talk about what you need, try out for that team, ask for that promotion, don’t be afraid to take risks! Boys are taught - rather, expected - to be strong.

When Valerie spoke up, she was reminded that women were supposed to be demure, be thankful for what they had, and not rock the boat. Loud women didn’t get ahead- it’s best to let the men lead, both in relationships and at work. Build others up and make them happy before your happiness. She was taught - rather, expected - to be passive.

Aaron would have been talked to about the awakening of his dick and what sex was, why his body was reacting in the ways it was presenting. He would have been taught about how normal and healthy sex is and he shouldn’t be ashamed or afraid of it. He would have been encouraged to explore until he found the right woman; even if he didn’t, bachelorhood can be sexy on certain men.

Valerie was told that women who had a lot of sex were considered sluts, that sex outside of marriage was dirty and sinful, and if she came home pregnant, she would be kicked out of the house. Valerie was told that she was the kind of girl that boys wanted to marry, not the kind that they wanted to date. I would have kids one day. Be patient… he’s out there…maybe if you weren’t so assertive and looked more feminine…

Aaron would have gone out with his friends, drank alcohol, smoked weed, fucked some of his girlfriends (or boyfriends), done all of the “boys will be boys” type activities that are celebrated in youth as boys are finding themselves.

Valerie was told that if she was caught drinking or doing drugs, the substances wouldn’t kill her, her parents would. She was never really allowed to do anything outside of church-related functions or choir-related activities. Sleepovers with friends were rare and curfews were early and strictly enforced.

Aaron would have entered his adulthood with a strong and more assured acceptance of his appearance and his body. He would have known better that he didn’t need to fit himself into a box - present himself a certain way - to feel confident about himself.

Aaron would have entered his adulthood strong and with a sense of ownership of his feelings and his place outside of his familial boundaries, that he would have commanded a room and felt comfortable demanding the attention he felt he needed in the moment.

Aaron would have entered his adulthood strong and with the understanding that sex isn’t something to be embarrassed to talk about, that it’s healthy to explore, and that there is no mistaking that love is love, regardless of the person’s gender.

Aaron might have entered his adulthood a much stronger Adult, but Valerie the Valiant would run circles around Aaron after the journey she has been on to create the world he would have just easily enjoyed.

The strength is found in the journey, and I've lived up to my names.

I believe my below-double-digits years would have been the same. That person would still have been the one to take care of us, back then. Although, if she was a lesbian, maybe none of that would've happened to me. I can't go back in time and ask her about her sexuality though - and thank fook for that.

My mother would still have bought books for me to read. Enid Blyton, my first writer. Luckily, the books written by that woman were not usually easy to gender? I doubt I would have gotten the chance to read it if the literal *children's books* had leaned too far into the opposite gendered vibe.

Would probably have missed out on Malory Towers and St Claires, though.

My sister and I would still have competed, constantly compared to each other. Maybe my father would have spent a bit more time with me... But that's doubtful, really. Sis would have been the first daughter and I would have been the first son. Accorded a slight bit more importance as a guy. Told about my duty to take over things as the next in succession while my older sister would have been reminded that she has to do her chores as the "Ada".

I don't know. I choose not to listen when I hear stupid shit like "head of the house" because it truly matters so little to me. I'm sapphic. And honestly, I can't tell if I would have liked women as much or at all if I was born male? Life is shaped by experiences as a beaten path forms from the steps of so many. But at least, my interest in women wouldn't have been illegal in the country I've lived my entire life in as a guy.

Ahem. I wouldn't have gotten as many stuffies, though. What a shame... I loved all my little fuzzers. But I probably would've gotten more lego for birthdays. Or superhero action figures instead of barbie dolls! I would have liked that. We got legos once. I was ten years old, finally and we were allowed anything so... Mhmm. My little brother has been given many of those. Action figures, too. So much to enjoy; that child. But that's not on his gender. It's because he's always felt he's free to ask while I felt ashamed to open my mouth for so much of my life.

I would have gone to an all-boys school. I spent a year alone and friendless when I entered secondary school, up until I found people to sit with so I didn't feel as weird as I used to every time lunch rolled around. I probably would've gotten bullied if surrounded by boys... Feels like they would be meaner. But that's just the media I've seen talking, not experience cos I've seen boys be goofy and supportive on one hand and gleefully cruel to each other as well. And women... My feelings for them are terrifying. But people of that gender have also done terrible things to me in other ways so...

That said; I have a feeling my self-loathing and depression would have appeared regardless. The anxiety, too. It grew from comparing myself to everyone constantly. From not feeling like I was "enough" to be allowed to exist. And these are things that haunt all humans in different ways... I think.

Fear and shame were taught as doctrines by my parents. It seemed the only way to raise a child, I guess - theirs did the very same. I wouldn't say it turned out beneficial, though. Not in the slightest.

Perhaps barely-over-preteen boy me would have gotten sucked into messed up online "relationships" by gross men, too. I don't know if there would have been half as many, if at all, though. They all seemed pretty satisfied with the fact that I was simply a human female. I doubt there were any other requirements - me being a minor was probably even more of a "turn-on".

Logically... I know that being a male wouldn't change too much. I'd probably still develop in this way that I feel unsafe and lost often. Like many. I'm not alone in that, even if it understandably feels that way. However... The only guys in my real life are my father and brother. I've had a couple others as actual friends, too. And they all seem... I wouldn't say they've figured it out all. No. They have their sadness. And they often hide their pain because it seemed "the right thing to do". The man thing to do, maybe? Sadly? We all tend to conceal those parts of ourselves we're certain are unworthy of seeing the light of day.

I assume so. Again. All this is speculation... Because I was curious of what my answer would be.

I just wonder if I would have had a steadier footing. If I would have been looked at by ewwies as more than something to simply woo and please them and create babies. I know there are just as many men who have gone through mental issues as there are in any other gender. That have been broken and crushed by themselves and others and have struggled to be alive in the silence of their dark rooms. In public. With family and friends.

Gender is... A tricky thing to get into the complexities of.

We just aren't that different at the basis of things. The main feature so much of the world uses to differentiate "opposite sex" is just that. That thing below. Does it dangle or not? And such. And that's how it's been... And for most people, it's correct enough. For me? I just wish we could ignore what's there when raising children. So we could all have been raised without these notions - of who and what a person of so and so gender must act like and wear and become - drilled into our heads.

Maybe the world would be better then. Kinder. I'd like to think people would. But what do I know? I'm a person with so and so genital who might've preferred to be a cloud.

I am the pen's own invention,

morphing to engender for thee

body of necessity to best clothe

whatever sexed emotion I am

charged to express . . .

the Page is always neuter until

someone chooses to commit,

and stick a label to my costume

make me servant to some bride

or groom in waiting but, as for

me, I have always only my-Self

seated at the table. . . Skinned.

Penned. Inverse, and Reversed.

Naked, and nothing's changed,

until you tell me to . . .

08.19.2023

Reversed Roles challenge@DanPhantom123

If only my gender changed and not the rest of my DNA, I don't honestly believe I would be very different. Some of my personality traits might have been more acceptable but others less so. Perhaps I would have been bullied for not fitting the mold, but I never fit the mold of my current gender either. Maybe that's why I don't feel it'd be a huge deal.

This however is only taking me into consideration. I can't be sure that the pressure to conform wouldn't have been higher as the opposite sex. However looking back at my younger self they really didn't give a ****. Maybe though my relationships with my family members would have been different, perhaps I'd be changed as a result, at least outwardly. Still no matter how different I seemed I think my core self is gender neutral and wouldn't be far off from the me I am now.