Valiance

My parents didn’t know what sex I was prior to my birth. They decided on two names: Aaron if I was born male and Valerie if I was born female. Both names carry the definition of strong: valiant, brave, exalted. Either way, I was coming into this world with no other option but to be the strongest human being I could be.

Aaron still would have had to battle being forced into being a parent of two younger siblings and morphing into a little adult without his consent. He would constantly feel like he couldn’t be a kid and that so much more was expected from him as the oldest child. Despite always feeling that he was expected to act older than he was, he would be told that he was too young to do things, denied experiences because there was no precedent to show his parents whether or not said experience would be okay. He would have to babysit his siblings when his parents went out. He would have to be the leader when things needed to happen around the house and have his siblings be pissed off at him for trying to keep the peace.

As Aaron grew up, he would have been able to navigate his personal appearance with ease; boys' clothing was far more basic and it’s normal and acceptable for boys to just wear t-shirts and jeans, flannels, look sloppy with disheveled hair of all lengths.

Valerie was always told that girls had long hair, dressed a certain way, needed to be careful with her weight. She was often told she didn’t look feminine enough. She had to fight for her short hair, the clothes she felt like herself in, her overall comfort.

Aaron would have been encouraged to speak up, claim his space, not be afraid to be assertive with what he wanted and expected. He would have been taught to ask that girl out, talk about what you need, try out for that team, ask for that promotion, don’t be afraid to take risks! Boys are taught - rather, expected - to be strong.

When Valerie spoke up, she was reminded that women were supposed to be demure, be thankful for what they had, and not rock the boat. Loud women didn’t get ahead- it’s best to let the men lead, both in relationships and at work. Build others up and make them happy before your happiness. She was taught - rather, expected - to be passive.

Aaron would have been talked to about the awakening of his dick and what sex was, why his body was reacting in the ways it was presenting. He would have been taught about how normal and healthy sex is and he shouldn’t be ashamed or afraid of it. He would have been encouraged to explore until he found the right woman; even if he didn’t, bachelorhood can be sexy on certain men.

Valerie was told that women who had a lot of sex were considered sluts, that sex outside of marriage was dirty and sinful, and if she came home pregnant, she would be kicked out of the house. Valerie was told that she was the kind of girl that boys wanted to marry, not the kind that they wanted to date. I would have kids one day. Be patient… he’s out there…maybe if you weren’t so assertive and looked more feminine…

Aaron would have gone out with his friends, drank alcohol, smoked weed, fucked some of his girlfriends (or boyfriends), done all of the “boys will be boys” type activities that are celebrated in youth as boys are finding themselves.

Valerie was told that if she was caught drinking or doing drugs, the substances wouldn’t kill her, her parents would. She was never really allowed to do anything outside of church-related functions or choir-related activities. Sleepovers with friends were rare and curfews were early and strictly enforced.

Aaron would have entered his adulthood with a strong and more assured acceptance of his appearance and his body. He would have known better that he didn’t need to fit himself into a box - present himself a certain way - to feel confident about himself.

Aaron would have entered his adulthood strong and with a sense of ownership of his feelings and his place outside of his familial boundaries, that he would have commanded a room and felt comfortable demanding the attention he felt he needed in the moment.

Aaron would have entered his adulthood strong and with the understanding that sex isn’t something to be embarrassed to talk about, that it’s healthy to explore, and that there is no mistaking that love is love, regardless of the person’s gender.

Aaron might have entered his adulthood a much stronger Adult, but Valerie the Valiant would run circles around Aaron after the journey she has been on to create the world he would have just easily enjoyed.

The strength is found in the journey, and I've lived up to my names.