Back home
April heard a knock at the door, she opened it to find her boyfriend Ben standing there wearing a tired smile:
“Hey Aps”.
“H-hi”. She stammered
“You gonna invite me in or”….?
“Yeah sorry it’s just a shock that’s all”. She replied, opening the door wider to let him in, she closed it behind them and followed him into the living room.
“So when did they release you”?
“Yesterday, mum came to pick me up”.
“I could’ve done that, you should’ve called”!
“You didn’t come once in 5 months April, why would you have come to pick me up”?
She looked down, swallowing a lump in her throat: “I’m sorry”. She whispered.
Ben gave her another soft smile: “It’s ok, I don’t blame you, I know it must’ve been a lot seeing me like that”.
She looked back up at him: “I did write to you every Friday, I never got a reply”.
“I wanted to… I-I tried, but they said it wouldn’t be good for my recovery, every time I picked up the pen I just started crying… and then I’d get worked up coz you weren’t there I just…. I really needed you to hold me”.
April rushed over to him and wrapped him in a tight hug as they both began to cry: “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry baby, I’m here now, I’m here now baby”. She placed a gentle kiss into his hair. After a few minutes they sat in silence on the sofa holding hands.
“Can I make you some tea”? April asked, finally allowing herself to relax.
Ben shook his head: “I’m ok thanks”. He sighed: “I’m sorry, I promised myself I’d get through this without crying, I just needed to see you that’s all”.
“That’s ok, you can cry, it’s nothing I haven’t seen before is it”?
Ben turned to face her fully: “But that’s the point, I’m tired of being weak around you, I-“.
April put a hand to his cheek: “Baby there’s nothing weak about you ok”? “You never have to hide how you feel from me”. April sighed too, pulling back: “I didn’t not come because I thought you were weak or because I was a shamed or scared of you, I just…. I thought you’d hate me, I kept replaying the day they took you away over and over in my head, the way you kept screaming my name, begging me to help you”…. A chill shot through her at the thought,
he took her hand again: “I’ve never hated you for that Ap, I understand that I needed help and I’m glad I got it, I guess I just needed time to process what was going on in my head, and when I finally woke up to reality I finally realised how bad things were getting, how much pressure it was putting on you, you were right to call them”.
“It’s not that I didn’t wanna look after you anymore I just felt so out of my depth”-
“I know, I know”. Ben replied nodding.
“I did want to come, I made all the arrangements multiple times…. I’d get to the front door and picture you in some tiny room curled up in a ball crying your eyes out, I couldn’t stand it”.
Ben gave her a playful smirk, shrugging: “oh I dunno, the room wasn’t that tiny”.
April rolled her eyes but gave him a small smile back:
“It wasn’t so bad toward the end, my mind actually managed to shut up”.
April nodded encouragingly: “That’s good”.
Ben nodded too: “Yeah I got a lot of stuff off my chest, took a lot of walks, even did some art, it was really therapeutic”.
“I’m glad”.
“Me too”.
“Have they put you on medication”?
“Yeah erm, they gave me some anti depressants and anti psychotics, theres this other one I can’t pronounce”. He gave a light chuckle: “Bet I’d rattle if you shook me”.
April smiled back at him again: “So where’s all your stuff”?
“At my mum’s, wanted to see how this conversation played out first before, you know”….
April nodded: “Does she hate me”?
“Nah she understands it was hard for you, she just wished she could’ve been more convincing that’s all”.
“I’m sorry”. April answered
ducking her head again, Ben squeezed her hand causing her to look back up at him: “It’s ok”. “My theorist wants to do a few home visits, they think it’ll help with the transition back into the world”.
April nodded: “Ok, and how do you feel about it”?
“Good, good yeah, you were right before, it definitely helps to talk… do you think…. Do you think you’d like to be there”?
“Am I allowed”
?
“Of course, they said whatever made me feel comfortable”.
April gave him a fond smile: “I’ll be there, so, where’s home for you now”? “Back at your mum’s or”…?
“Whatever you feel comfortable with, I mean.. do you want me to come back”?
“Of course I do”. She wrapped him in another tight hug,
he pulled away a little after a few moments and cupped her cheek: “Oh April I’ve missed you so much”. He admitted softly, stroking her cheek.
“I missed you too”. She whispered back.
“Thank you so much for your letters by the way, I red each and every one of them so many times I can’t even count, you have no idea how much they meant to me”.
“Surprised they didn’t just make you resent me for not being there for you in person”.
“Oh baby, I could never resent you, I love you so much”.
“I love you too”. Allowing her guard to drop completely, she kissed him slowly: “mmm, I forgot how good you taste”.
“I could never forget”. Ben pulled her back in for another long, slow kiss.
April sighed happily: “So tell me, what was your favourite letter”?
“The one you wrote me on Valentine’s Day, it let me know you hadn’t forgotten about me, that you still loved me, I took it with me to bed every night for weeks”.
April blushed, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear: “I’m glad I could still help in some way, I want you to know that I will always love you ok”?
“Ditto”. Ben kissed her again:
“Let’s never be apart again ok”
?
April nodded, giving a hopeful smile: “Deal”.