Finding Peace in a Mind at War

I remember thinking that peace was impossible for me to achieve. That my life would always be filled with the turbulence I was experiencing. I couldn't tell you when those thoughts started. Could it have been in 2016, when my beloved dog died? Maybe in 2019 when I lost a friend to a horrific freak accident? Or was it 2020, when Covid caused my life to turn upside down? Perhaps I have never experienced peace in the decade-and-a-half I've been alive.

Now, I know that I will experience full peace, whether that's before I turn 16, or before I turn 80. Nonetheless, it is going to happen. I am going to make it happen. I have struggled with mental illness for as long as I can remember. Mood disorders, anxiety, OCD, depression, name it. I hit an all-time low in July of 2022. I had become dependent on multiple unhealthy coping mechanisms, in my struggle to simply survive. I tried my best to pretend I was okay, but I am extremely emotionally sensitive and not the greatest actress so it didn't take long before my friends and family caught on.

The day I hit rock bottom was the day I realized I had to get better, and that I could not keep living in the immense amount of pain I was in. I was only 13, and I realized that this had become life or death. For the first time, I decided to give a shot at truly living. The first step was I download the "I Am Sober" app on my phone to track how long I had been self-harm-free. Soon, 1 day turned into 1 week, 1 month, and just two weeks ago was my 1 year.

Making it a whole year without intentionally harming my body was a huge accomplishment for me, but I cannot deny how far I have to go. Every day is still a struggle, with some days being harder than others. I don't want or need to live the happiest life in the world, but what I have been striving for is to be at peace with my life and with myself. I want to be able to accept everything that might be tossed at me. I want to feel like I can breathe for the first time. I want peace.