I was silent

But my eyes were screaming and my lips cracking

I was so sick

There was no other word to describe it

But I was just ready to give in

To go home

To lie there in the dark and fade into nothingness

But I didn’t even know what nothingness was

My body had been filled for as long as I could remember

My brain filled with thoughts, my eyes filled with tears, my back filled with pain

That it was time to let go

It was time to feel that feeling, to just feel empty for once in my life

My eyelids were heavy and I began to give in

Until I hear the calling of my name

It didn’t exist in the moment but it had in the past

And that was what I couldn’t give up

The hurt was no longer something to resist but something to love

Because that’s what life is

Not pain but love

I remember thinking that peace was impossible for me to achieve. That my life would always be filled with the turbulence I was experiencing. I couldn't tell you when those thoughts started. Could it have been in 2016, when my beloved dog died? Maybe in 2019 when I lost a friend to a horrific freak accident? Or was it 2020, when Covid caused my life to turn upside down? Perhaps I have never experienced peace in the decade-and-a-half I've been alive.

Now, I know that I will experience full peace, whether that's before I turn 16, or before I turn 80. Nonetheless, it is going to happen. I am going to make it happen. I have struggled with mental illness for as long as I can remember. Mood disorders, anxiety, OCD, depression, name it. I hit an all-time low in July of 2022. I had become dependent on multiple unhealthy coping mechanisms, in my struggle to simply survive. I tried my best to pretend I was okay, but I am extremely emotionally sensitive and not the greatest actress so it didn't take long before my friends and family caught on.

The day I hit rock bottom was the day I realized I had to get better, and that I could not keep living in the immense amount of pain I was in. I was only 13, and I realized that this had become life or death. For the first time, I decided to give a shot at truly living. The first step was I download the "I Am Sober" app on my phone to track how long I had been self-harm-free. Soon, 1 day turned into 1 week, 1 month, and just two weeks ago was my 1 year.

Making it a whole year without intentionally harming my body was a huge accomplishment for me, but I cannot deny how far I have to go. Every day is still a struggle, with some days being harder than others. I don't want or need to live the happiest life in the world, but what I have been striving for is to be at peace with my life and with myself. I want to be able to accept everything that might be tossed at me. I want to feel like I can breathe for the first time. I want peace.