Fires That Never Ceased

I know I told you that I wasn’t angry anymore.

That I’ve accepted it’s my turn now to undo the damage that was done.

And I lied to you that day -

I lied to keep the peace,

Because when it comes to you, keeping peace is much easier than any truth that I could speak.

The truth is that it grows like ivy around every rib in this cage.

The truth is that I can only tell the truth because right now you’re a hundred miles away.

In a completely different state,

Not just by distance, it’s also of the mind.

Because you’re probably back home brewing up your hops,

And I’m still swallowing down the memories while they scrape at my insides, and I’m choking on every drop.

Like how you could fight a war on foreign ground,

But you couldn’t fight the hands at home that tried to make me drown.

You didn’t stop the death of your own blood,

But you stopped that blood from standing up.

You left us with the demon that even you were running from.

I know it was your duty,

Not necessarily your choice -

But it was your choice to make me stay.

For 18 months at first, and then another 6 delayed.

I remember crying to you through the screen,

Begging for reprieve.

“Just send me back to my dysfunctional mother, at least she doesn’t strangle me.”

And you looked away, your thoughts looming heavy.

You took a deep breath, and peered through the camera at me,

Your eyes were hollow, but I could tell you felt free -

Because you didn’t have to watch her that night,

You didn’t feel the hot spit of her scream.

That was one of the days you talked about accountability.

And holding one’s self to such -

In that fatal moment I knew we’d lost touch.

I knew we’d probably never get it back -

I was just a bad kid, and you were just an army dad.

I know if you were here, you’d probably feel this in your chest.

But you’re miles away and that’s how I like you best.

Because you and I both know, you’d just say I’m being dramatic.

That I “just have to get over that shit.”

Concealing nail marks on my cheeks just isn’t comparable when it comes to dodging IEDs.

The irony is that now you and I are both diagnosed with the very same thing.

It’s that complex version of PTSD.

And so that’s why I lie,

and I keep the peace -

Because while you think that your war is over,

Our fires never really ceased.